TEA-NANG

The other day, one of my friends replied to my tweet about my love of tea. He summarised how drinking tea for me in one sweet word, 'tenang' or calm. It was cute and nice of him so credits to Yusoff! 

I'm not spilling tea here but I just wanted it to be clear about something that's been happening. You know there comes a time when you're just sick and tired of staying quiet cuz you don't want to be THAT girl but you just have to be THAT girl for the sake of your dignity. 

And so, here I am. Telling you something that you may or may not believe. 

For some reason, I am portrayed as someone who leaves somebody when they are at their worst. Not only me but my friends too. I can't speak for them but I know this much is true, we have never intentionally left someone prior to our knowledge that they are at their worst. 

I have never left someone alone when they are facing something terrible unless they push me away. I get that everyone will face ups and downs, I totally understand them but unless you talk to me about it, how am I supposed to know. I can't read minds people. I only wish. 

We're all humans here, we're unable to know what lies inside your heart so if you say one thing, we'll understand that. I mean, communication is key here. But instead, you say one thing to us and then tell the world something else as though we're the ones at fault. 

I have always tried to be the bigger person and let you paint your own story because I've had enough of people stabbing me behind my back. I didn't want to give any energy towards something so petty. 

But now, with all the pictures she's been drawing. I am here to set things straight. 

If you think that we're fighting about boys or friends, it is totally wrong. If you think that we're fighting because I wasn't there for her, you're wrong. To me, I wasn't even in the fight. She just decided that everyone else couldn't be her friend while they were being my friends. 

I personally didn't mind being "friend-less", I said that to her face. I didn't want people to choose sides. I never did. By the way, she was acting as though people were. When all this was happening, I cried for a week straight because of this but no one, and I mean no one except my trusted best friend knew about this "argument". 

No one even knew what she did to me but the following weeks, she made sure that everyone knew I was the bad guy. Luring in her friends to trust me and only me. So there it is. That's the truth. Ever since I've been trying to fix things with her, but when you know the person so well, you just know how she truly is and you can't really trust them so much after. 

Oh and for the record, I'm not one to "steal boyfriends". We are just friends that talk about problems in our lives. He's kinda a nice person to have and I assure you, everyone can vouch for that. He's just the sweetest guy (sometimes, sometimes he's stupid and stubborn but what guy isn't) 

Recently, I have the least amount of care regarding things she does but she gets to me when she's with Buddy. There is nothing that I can do about being bothered but you know, it just sucks. 

I guess I just needed people to know my side of the story eventually. More details can't be known cuz it is really none of your business. As long as the main thing where we aren't such useless friends as we are being portrayed. We're actually really trying to be the good guy here. 

A 10-YEAR GAP?!

The other day, I stumbled upon a realization. People with year gaps relationship actually work out better compared to people without those gaps. I mean, there are multiple examples, you just have to look. 

All my life, I always thought of dating or being in a relationship with guys my age. I never really looked at older guys, I always had the 'Abang' factor. Ok let me break it down for you, the Abang factor is when you're even a year older than me, I have this sense of respect that I wouldn't pass this boundary. I lived in a high school where seniority was a thing and I really didn't think of some seniors as friends, personally, I think of them as a big brother who would look after me. Maybe it was because I don't have a big brother but the thought of just having an older brother to ask for advice and what not, just felt secure.

This all changed when my classmates are actually filled with guys older than me by a year or so. I still try to build a wall by calling them pakcik or something but they act just like any other guy my age so I eventually just forgot and treated them the same. But trust me, the batch above me, I never stepped over THAT boundary. And so, that's where I was open to the idea of being in a relationship with someone older than me. 

However, I have never seen myself with anyone younger. They all seem like my little brother so i don't know how that would work out. 

All this relates to the extra time I've been having. I watched "Pretty Noone who buys me food" and "Doctor Crush" Korean dramas that open up about age gaps between couples. I know it's not real but it's not like we can actually see how real live couple act around each other. It was a real eye-opener. 

In Doctor Crush, the guy was older by around 9 years and he was great at understanding her. He simply just knew what she needed compared to what she wanted. He was a sense of reality and logic that she needed. A relationship like that was really fun to see since they really had an understanding with each and the communication amongst both of them was sublime. It's not that drama where you're at the edge of your seat going "JUST TELL HER ALREADY! FIX IT! THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE MEANS. SHE LOVES YOU LAH! ARE YOU DUMB?!" None of that. The practically just let it all out and they really do love the honesty compared to secrets and lies.

In Pretty Noone Who Buys Me Food, the girl is older but I guess he was what she needed. She was somewhat boring and he just gave her life color. But they both act very mature and have those fun times too. I mean the guy understands her and he is very capable of going her speed. 

All in all, it made me realize one thing which I'd like to share with you. Maybe you get an older guy or a younger guy or even the same age. But if it was different ages, it really is nothing to be ashamed of. Do you know how hard it is to find a guy who understands you and to respect you enough to want to save the relationship rather than to give up? Why would you want to risk that just for the sake of avoiding what other people are saying? There shouldn't be an age limit between partners really but living in this Malay community everything is easy to judge than to solve. 

Everyone just has their specific person that clicks. So why do we look at the age? It's just an illusion. It's

just a number. If he's more mature and understanding than your classmates, whats wrong with that? Think about it. 

UNGRATEFUL.

People tend to wonder why I haven't been blogging at all this holiday, and I guess it was just my fault. I have turned this blog to a place where I just put my feelings out there and just rant rather than try to inspire some people or share the lessons I've learned. 

That will all change now. 

I've been slacking on the updates so here goes. I have found myself to be the most ungrateful human ever. A few weeks ago, my parents decided to buy me a car because I've been bugging them about having one ever since Uber left Malaysia (RIP Uber!) We literally decided it on our way coming back from a short holiday we had. 

Then a few days passed my mum, asked to look at other cars just in case. I don't know if this happens to everyone, but whenever I have my holidays, I am drowning in boredom. So being a study-freak, I literally spent days looking at cars, their specs and price range. I did a whole research on cars. I did a pros and cons list. I was the typical nerd I am whenever I have an assignment. 

We eventually decided on a mediocre car. Now here's why I say I'm ungrateful. Every time I see another car that's better or the specs are waaay cooler than it, I hope I'll have it. I then assure myself, getting a car is better than having to walk all over campus. I can imagine all the impromptu McD drive-throughs that are gonna happen just because we can. 

I know more than enough that I should be grateful for the car I get and I am. Truly. Now I am at least. I secretly spend time scrolling through my phone for pictures of my future car. Yall see it sooner or later. 

LETTER TO THE BEACH.

So how does it feel? Satisfying? Does it satisfy you that you are now able to make me feel like this? Probably nearly every other human being knows common decency but not you. No, you disregard everything humanity asks us to do. 

From one human, i've now understood how mistresses or second wife come about in our lifetime. There are humans who think its okay to be close to someone ignoring the fact that either they have a relationship or not. You have taught me that not only some humans are capable of intentionally hurting the people that care for them but you've taught me that you can act as though you're the victim here. 

I understand why you would want to hurt me but how could you do that to someone who has never intentionally hurt you? She would cry each time if she did anything that was remotely hurting your feelings. So what did you think, you wanted to get even? You would rather flirt with the one guy she truly had feelings for than just try to be a good friend. You really stoop this low didn't you. 

If it was just a random occurring event, fine i would have considered you were just friends but why did you even want to go out with him? To show us, you're better than us? You have more friends than us? You have a genuine relationship with the boys than us? You have boys falling at your feet for your every whim? Is that it? Newsflash babe, we don't care. We wouldn't care if you had more friends than us, we weren't even aware that we were in a competition.

How could you use our feelings to get even with us? With the knowledge of who actually we had feelings for, you wouldn't have done what you did. But you did anyways. Even when you knew who we liked and how much we liked him, you still had the heart to flirt with them. Oh wait, thats just how you treat everyone. So i guess thats not flirting for you, thats just how you are. At least you could've not be who you were towards him.

You could've been a friend and stopped being petty. But you just proven to us how much we were right about you. The only thing that you gave us was reassurance at how we are lucky to have gotten rid of you from our lives.

HAPPINESS.

It will always be just another typical day. It was a day like any other. But the thing is, you get to enjoy the happiness. 

The last time I blogged, I kept talking about how i should move on. And literally, did nothing but kept talking about moving on. I finally did something about it. I eventually started to move on. 

So after watching this drama, I started to just accept the fact that, YES I do like someone who doesn't feel the same, but it wasn't gonna stop me. I just relished at the thought and the sight of him. Just liking him was enough for me. 

The more I felt that way, the more the feeling disappeared. I enjoyed just being with my friends. I spent my time studying. I smiled more. I laugh a lot more now. I just stopped caring what he thought and just cared about my life. On that day, people asked me if i was happy. I happily answered that i was genuinely happy. 

I figured I didn't have problems with any friends or family. I was satisfied with my studies and work load. The only that could bring me down was regarding him but that was something I, myself could change. And i eventually did.
Out of the blue, i realised I somewhat moved on. 

One of my friends told me that he didn't have the slightest feelings towards me and I didn't know why but i felt nothing. It didn't bothered me.

I was grateful that i get to wake up in the morning. I am grateful that I get to share my life with the best type of people imaginable. I had too much people caring for me. And I was simply blessed. 


I now and still answer people that I am genuinely happy. 

SOMETHING YOU NEVER HAD.

Yesterday night, i decided to watch this old movie. Its called 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 days'. I've watched the movie a couple times but this was the first time that i cried. 

There's a part in the movie where she said 'You can't lose something you never had'. 

Honestly, that made sense to me more than ever. 

Why am i this sad over a guy who wasn't even mine? Why does it bother me so much when he doesn't even like me?

So, when people ask me, i just say that i don't care anymore. Because there's this Islamic saying where we need to accept everything with an open heart. It's all apart of God's plan.

Who am I to question what His plan is just for the sake of my happiness. Who am I to be selfish for my own happiness. I accept the lesson i am receiving now because its something i need to learn on my own. 

When i tell my friends how i feel or anything, i don't want their sympathy. It's just me sharing my life with them. 

I know some worry. But I'll be fine. I hope. 

CONTINUE THE CHARADE.

After being cheated on, played and somewhat backstabbed, this time it hurts more.

Here i go telling you guys how i really feel right now...

Its like getting your heart broken every second. It doesn't stop. Just the slight thought, a simple memory, anything really just breaks it. I feel broken all the time. After feeling broken over and over again, I still have to put on a smile. I don't know how to tell people how tired I am to act and be strong in front of them because i don't want people to ask. But thats not clearly their fault, even i don't feel right just staying quiet. But when you feel broken and keep pretending, you'll lose your mind. I haven't felt this down in the dumps for a while now. I find peace in laying down and closing my eyes. Imagining that it will all be over. Then i fall asleep and sometimes i get a slight happiness in my dream or worst. I wake up and be reminded at how dreams will never come true in this world. You may think i'm just saying every cliche' thing you've heard in movies or books. But thats the only way i can describe it. Trying to move on when the person you like is right in front of you, being happy with someone else. Tears me apart and yet i still have to smile and laugh with everyone. But once i can hide, I just let go. Its physically painful to sit and hear him being happy with everyone else when he can't even bare to look at your face. So i try my best to not make it look like it gets to me. I tried nearly everything to make sure i don't need to see it everyday. I turn my back on them. I sit having my back face them. I let my friends "attack" me anytime when they see him or if he's talking to cover my eyes and ears. Maybe you think its over the top but I literally cry everyday in class now. If i don't go to the toilet, i just wait to go back to my room and let it out myself. And whats worst is, i don't know what he's doing but he's doing a great job at playing with my feelings. Sitting in front of me like its an ordinary thing. If you say he doesn't know how i feel, he does. If you guys say, he doesn't know he's hurting you. I told him i need time. What do you think? 2 weeks is enough for a girl to move on? Not this girl. It was pretty selfish of him to sit there. It was torture to not talk to him. To not look at him. To just avoid crying in the middle of the class. Yes i do just like him. I don't love him. I never loved him. I don't know him well enough. See thats what bothers me. I just liked talking to him. But why am i this broken. Trust me, i don't want a relationship with him. I just wanted a friend to have a continuous conversation with. He was fun to talk to. Interesting even. Things got weird and then i found out he somewhat feels like i'm not "meant" for him. I guess i'm not. But then to wait for him to say it but eventually doesn't, that wasn't fair. so i guess i pulled the trigger because he already aimed it at me.


Why continue the act when you know the ending?

RICH OR NOT.

Last night I was talking to one of my friends. I told her how i didn't want to nor was i allowed to marry a guy who was rich from his family. And now i'll explain in detail why i personally think this is true. 

I prefer being in a relationship where we can talk to each other endlessly. A lifetime long conversation. For me personally, I don't really like boys spending money buying stuffs. I really like it if we get to spend time together. Talking. Meeting. Something like that at the very least. 

Being with a rich guy, doesn't guarantee they will be rich in the future. If they achieve their richness from their own hard work, then that i would applaud but if its merely from your parents, well thats a different story. When kids think its okay to start spending money as if its their when its really their parents' hard work, that makes me kind of annoyed. 

I just really want to find someone with the same determination as me to succeed in life so that we can succeed together whilst going through all the hardship. I think its more satisfying. When we reach the top, we'll be able to appreciate it more. Going through the journey together and achieving what we both want to build a perfect life together. Now thats worth it! 

But for now, i know i myself need to succeed because the lifestyle that my parents has given me, does require a lot of sacrifice and so, the only decision i have to make is to succeed accordingly. 

But it will be my money, meaning i won't ask for the guy to buy me anything because i have my own. I don't think depending on the guy for money is right, thats why i think girls really should work so that they can do and have anything and everything they want without answering to their husbands. 

Being a girl, you have limitations but when you can get what you want on your own then, that makes you a queen! 

So don't get scared of the boundaries, just find the loop hole! 

THAT SMILE. ALWAYS THAT SMILE.

I wrote this a long time ago. But i decided to post this alongside We Don't Talk Anymore because I didn't know when else i'll be brave enough to share this. 

I'll always melt when I see that smile. That half smile he makes when he looks at me. That short gaze we give each other when we smile at each other. Always that smile. 

Pretty much annoyed at how a single smile can make me say 'yes' to anything. Its that smile that makes me want to smile along with him. Why is that stupid smile my kryptonite? 

Been waiting long enough to actually write about this guy crush i have towards someone. Lets be honest here, who here doesn't know who he is, well thats just plain weird. Its Song Joongki. Duhhhh. 

haha, just kidding. He's my first husband. My second would be BTS. But thats another story. 

No, the guy i'm talking about is my dear friend, (insert cartoon name). I don't have a code name for him. Didn't bother to make one since everyone could see how transparent I was when I started developing a crush on him. But for now, lets just call him, Buddy. 

Ok, so whats the point of this post? Usually I have either an advice or a thought or just me babbling about me. I don't know why i wanted to blog about him. 

Sure, lets say this is a dedication post towards Buddy.

Ssup Buddy! (haha, i can never imagine myself being dead serious while talking to him so excuse me for now being a romantic in this one) 

I can tell you when I actually noticed you. It was the first day of class. I don't know really who you were on the phone with, but you were looking towards the doorway while talking on the phone and I literally stopped. From the side, you looked familiar and it gave me a heart attack, changed into Joyah-mode. I promise you, you can ask my friends. That day, I already started checking you out. wink wink. haha. 
Ok you can chill now. Its not like I stalked you or anything. I just wanted to find out who the heck were you and why do you look so much like Patrick. (from the sides.)

Then, I dunno dude. You happened to be on the same bus as me and well, our 'leader' was texting me literally everything about you. From where you live to how many brothers and sisters you had. I have no idea why. Ask him. But its a good thing (I think). 

I know it was kinda obvious that I didn't talk to you as much as i did the other boys. I guess I knew you weren't the type to mess around with? Probably. Well you weren't in the first semester. You were quite uptight to be honest. But you were nice to Nana and your group mates, so I guess you were cool because of that. 

Now is the juicy part. When did I start developing "feelings". 
I can describe it but I have no idea if you remember this. 

It was in one of our classes. There weren't ANY guys except for you. You sat in front of the class with your laptop preparing for you presentation. I already did mine days before so I just went for moral support for our other classmates. But then, one of our classmates started crying, so I went to the front and tried to comfort her. So I sat a few chairs away from you. I just ended up sitting there for a while. I don't really remember how we started talking, but we did. Then, Dinie came and sat right next to you. To be honest, I was kinda frustrated. But then again, who dared to steal away her "MAN". (well, that was what everyone else was thinking). We just ended up talking and including her into the conversation. Then, we started talking about your sister aka your mystery girlfriend. But i already knew she was your sister so we were both laughing at the fact that people thought she was your girlfriend. I don't know if this is true or not but from my point of view, you looked right at me and smiled. We didn't say anything. We just smiled at each other. It lasted quite long but I wasn't sure because we were laughing too. But thats when I started to like you. That smile.

NO! I do not only like him because of JUST that smile. 

It was nice to talk to someone who gets my jokes, who is kinda funny lah and actually has the time to explain to me, their thoughts and opinions. Even when I have no idea, but you explain for A to Z. You share a lot of info about your decisions and life choices with me. To me, that was special. You literally went step by step on how you ended up with a decision. It was fascinating. Genuinely, you had more optimistic thoughts than I have, even on your roughest days. Still manage to make one of your "kinda" funny jokes. 

I know this will never reach you. And God hope it doesn't. 

But I hope you know that I get that you have bad days and you use sports and music to cheer yourself up somehow, I do hope that you can share your troubles with me. We never really shared our struggles or problems with each other and I hope we do. Soon. For the time being, when I know you are having a tough time, please just layan my weird memes that I send. I hope you smile at them and its lightens you up a little bit. I'm not really good at this. 

So yeah, see you in the funny papers! 

WE DON'T TALK ANYMORE.

Count the days that are good and bad so that you'll appreciate each one. 

Its nearly 3am when i'm writing this because i can't seem to fall asleep just yet. Today was another of those days where i know i just feel shitty. I don't know if its just me, but I usually just give into feeling shitty and just spend the day wallowing in sorrow. 

Not today. Today, i tried my very best to not let it eat me alive. I rested and spent the night helping out friends. I'd rather spend my time doing anything else than wallow in self pity. I didn't want to start thinking about him and so i didn't.

I'm clearly not the type of girl who keeps it all inside as you know i write most of my feelings in this blog or i consult my best friends. But for this story, i kept it a secret from most until i reached a point where i just didn't bother. No one even believed me if i denied it so i just played along. 

Maybe i could clearly say it amongst the girls but whenever it came to talking to him, i couldn't be blunt. I couldn't just ask whatever i wanted to ask. I couldn't talk about what I wanted to talk to him about. Why you ask? 

I was terrified of losing a friend like him...

It was clearly only one sided. The feelings i mean. 

I don't know. We don't talk anymore anyways. We ignore each other because there wasn't and isn't any need to talk to each other. We just learnt to live with not talking to each other anymore.

I guess he's not that affected but knowing the thing that scared me the most, is happening. Well that left me feel shitty.

In life there are choices that we make. Yes, i chose to be friends with him. I chose to start to be close with him. However, i didn't choose to have feelings for him. It happened unexpectedly. I did choose to not tell him at first because i didn't want to lose a friend. 

That choice was changed because somehow, we both knew if i said it or if i didn't, we were bound to part ways. Why deny fate right? Haha. 

Yesterday was the 200th day. I promised myself that i wouldn't talk about him until its been a year. But then again, I'm the one broken. 

This is my way to get fixed. 

ACCEPTANCE.

" As she looks up to the skies after praying, she feels a sense of calm washing over her"

It's not just me but everyone, everywhere has dealt with stress. And sometimes the stress are coming from a specific person in their lives. For me, its been happening so much that i can't even dwell on how stressful it can be, trying to contemplate how his mind thinks sometimes. 

When having two different ways of thinking, you tend to disagree a lot. But by now, i think people already know this new thing called COMPROMISE. Its not even compromising when only one party is sacrificing something while the other just gains everything. 

Tolerating this behaviour has gotten me shouting and screaming a lot lately but my friends all understand how frustrating it is to me. Most people know i can be understanding and i do try to be more open on how people act and react towards certain issues. I admit i have a temper but its only when people really burden me with unnecessary issues.

I had no idea what to do. So as always i turn back to the basics. In Islam, we are taught the things to avoid being angry. And so far, I'm holding on to those teachings. 

I try to calm myself with reminding myself that Allah SWT is challenging me with this person in myself. And its been helping a bit. InshaAllah, it'll eventually help me towards acceptance.