Monday 19 March 2018

CONTINUE THE CHARADE.

After being cheated on, played and somewhat backstabbed, this time it hurts more.

Here i go telling you guys how i really feel right now...

Its like getting your heart broken every second. It doesn't stop. Just the slight thought, a simple memory, anything really just breaks it. I feel broken all the time. After feeling broken over and over again, I still have to put on a smile. I don't know how to tell people how tired I am to act and be strong in front of them because i don't want people to ask. But thats not clearly their fault, even i don't feel right just staying quiet. But when you feel broken and keep pretending, you'll lose your mind. I haven't felt this down in the dumps for a while now. I find peace in laying down and closing my eyes. Imagining that it will all be over. Then i fall asleep and sometimes i get a slight happiness in my dream or worst. I wake up and be reminded at how dreams will never come true in this world. You may think i'm just saying every cliche' thing you've heard in movies or books. But thats the only way i can describe it. Trying to move on when the person you like is right in front of you, being happy with someone else. Tears me apart and yet i still have to smile and laugh with everyone. But once i can hide, I just let go. Its physically painful to sit and hear him being happy with everyone else when he can't even bare to look at your face. So i try my best to not make it look like it gets to me. I tried nearly everything to make sure i don't need to see it everyday. I turn my back on them. I sit having my back face them. I let my friends "attack" me anytime when they see him or if he's talking to cover my eyes and ears. Maybe you think its over the top but I literally cry everyday in class now. If i don't go to the toilet, i just wait to go back to my room and let it out myself. And whats worst is, i don't know what he's doing but he's doing a great job at playing with my feelings. Sitting in front of me like its an ordinary thing. If you say he doesn't know how i feel, he does. If you guys say, he doesn't know he's hurting you. I told him i need time. What do you think? 2 weeks is enough for a girl to move on? Not this girl. It was pretty selfish of him to sit there. It was torture to not talk to him. To not look at him. To just avoid crying in the middle of the class. Yes i do just like him. I don't love him. I never loved him. I don't know him well enough. See thats what bothers me. I just liked talking to him. But why am i this broken. Trust me, i don't want a relationship with him. I just wanted a friend to have a continuous conversation with. He was fun to talk to. Interesting even. Things got weird and then i found out he somewhat feels like i'm not "meant" for him. I guess i'm not. But then to wait for him to say it but eventually doesn't, that wasn't fair. so i guess i pulled the trigger because he already aimed it at me.


Why continue the act when you know the ending?

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