A REAL DIFFERENT IMPACT.

Something big happened to me this whole day, i've been getting notifications from Twitter! Haha.

Ok, i know i sound like such a loner. But to be real though, i don't usually get notifications from twitter. It's usually Kak Yuyun or just a few of my friends liking my tweets. People rarely approach me on twitter. I mean there are a million other ways to interact with me but it was a big deal i guess. 

But today, i got them because i tweeted about Kak Aida Azlin. I've been sitting here thinking for like an hour to blog about something significant. Like my last post, i said i didn't want to just write something irrelevant but something meaningful right? 

It completely missed me by a long shot that something significant did happen to me. I somehow encountered something that many others don't.

Spreading support to others. To someone who actually helps and changes our lives. 

Like the other day, i saw this tweet where people were bashing this influencer that she can't sing and she should stop. That tweet had like 1000 retweets and more. I fiercely reject putting other girls down. I mean, as long as she doesn't bother my life, i'm fine with it. 

Yesterday, after Kak Aida's video release, i tweeted how much i adored her. How serene she looks. Just because i thought like she should know she's helping me with some struggles i've been having. Just simple pure support from my part. Today the tweet is nearly reaching 200 retweets. 

I was astonished at how she has touched not only my heart but thousands of other women out there. Be a motivation. A role model. It can be terrifying but she's doing it for all the right reasons. 

The fact that there are tons of us that need a little guidance, and she's providing it free of charge. 

Instead of the hatred being spread from an influencer who to be honest, doesn't have a goal or purpose of the things she's putting out to the world. We see the love that is being spread from a small ripple by someone who's genuine purpose is to share Allah's guidance.

Thats the different impact i wish to be exposed to. 

Don't get me wrong the stupid tweets or memes do humour my days. But it would be nice if people shared more of videos like Kak AIda's. 

WRITE RIGHT?

The other day, i entered a writing contest. I'm not sure if i got in or not but heres what i wrote... Gimme your point of view... 

AURAH AND IKHTILAT 

Being a girl, you’ve been told to walk a certain way, to talk a certain way and to act properly. You feel obliged to create a perfect image in front of your parents. But in your heart, you feel caged, trapped – like you’re in a skin that you don’t even know belongs to whom anymore. The question now is, when do YOU decide to cover your aurah? When is it that you’re ready? 

I learnt the hard way that covering had to be my choice. I learnt that being a girl, you’re definitely responsible for yourself but your dad gets the blame. When I was little, I made this grave mistake of making my hair super straight. It always looked nice after going to the saloon, all blown out, soft and bouncy as compared to my normal curls. Straight after, I didn’t really follow proper protocol of the hair care treatment and so you can imagine, my hair was frizzy and well, ugly. 

Every Friday, my school encouraged us to wear the hijab since we would read the Yaasin together. But it depends on us to wear for the rest of the day or not. Since then I kept wearing that hijab everyday for a while. The day my hair got better, I took my hijab off right after my parents would send me to school. It was like living a double life. Don’t get me wrong, my parents supported me to wear the hijab but they never forced it on me. Only grandmas do that. To be fair, I was really young. I didn’t really like people telling me what to do and during that time, I was being bullied so the only defence I knew was to turn into one of the boys. That’s the short version of how I started to dress like boys, sweaters, dark t-shirts underneath and the constant same black bawal hijab daily. 

One day, I left something at home and thankfully my dad hadn’t left for work just yet, and so he came to school and sent it to me. I forgot that I wasn’t wearing the hijab but as I was walking up the stairs, I remembered that he saw that I opened my hijab. That evening, when I went out to help him with his stuff, he said that if I wanted to cover up, I should do it. Not do it halfway because he would take half the blame too. From that day on, I made sure I wore my hijab as properly as I knew. 

I know some people don’t agree with some way of wearing hijab and I know there’s not support or relevant reason why we should allow it. But if they wore it for all the wrong reasons, what’s the use? We are taught that we do everything with the niah for Allah Taala, and yet people still judge because some are still on their training wheels. Its great that others are beyond in the covering aurah department but everyone has their own pace. All someone can ask for is a little understanding and patience for us to keep up. 

At first I wore my hijab to hide my flaws. Then I wore it for my dad. Now, I wear it for me. I know it seems a little selfish, but think about it, without following the trends etc. – you’re actually inclined to do something when it’s just for yourself. But usually that’s the last decision. There’s always people influencing you, but make sure if you do something good no matter what the first niah was, you’d eventually stick with it. 

Covering aurah for girls are always debated day by day but at the end of it, its something we need to do. Something we owe to our dad at the very least. I know you’d be expecting a full on Islamic Review but that’s the truth. People don’t usually easily get revelations just by staying selfish; you start seeing things differently when you see from someone else’s eyes. You open up. Eventually, you see that you’re also the one that’s benefiting the most. At the end of the day, it was your decision and everyone benefits from it too. 

GENDER DYSPHORIA ; LGBT CAN BE CURED.

First and foremost, a little disclaimer that I don't remember most of the talk but I tried my best to write them all down. So if I'm wrong, please refer to someone with a more strong academic background regarding the matter okay? 

During the forum, there were three speakers that were present. All with their own experience and knowledge regarding the issue at hand. It was a simple forum between the speakers while students sat down and listened. We eventually got a chance to ask a few questions but it was educational nonetheless. 

The Questions That Was Asked

1. Does LGBT occur naturally or due to encouragement? 

Speaker A said that it was due to encouragement. It was based on how that person was raised. In 2018, it was stated that LGBT is not a mental illness and acknowledged how the gaming disorder was a more serious matter compared to LGBT. 

(the speaker kinda went off topic but here's the useful information)

The speaker continued, there's 49% more likeliness that Gay people can get HIV from sex. He questioned why do people acknowledge this and be accepting then he said that in Iran that people were given subsidy to undergo transexual transformations. In Malaysia, among 30,000 people at least one is gay while among 100,000 girls only 1 is a lesbian.

2. How does Islam refer LGBT as in the Hukm? 

Haram. Speaker B said that we are not here to discuss on what we want but we were supposed to be talking about what Allah SWT wanted. As humans, we forgot that simple thing. He also stated regarding the Quranic Verse that's talked about the Lut community. 

Allah SWT stated that " there was never a community that did what they did "

Clearly, he said it was humans who started this movement of LGBT. That definitely means that LGBT was never a natural phenomenon.

He also added in that Rasulullah SAW when mentioning lesbians and gays, he always stated Zina, sins and so on. Even if we were just playing around with the idea or just trying out different gender clothes, it is not advised. 

Always follow what Allah SWT wants. Never fall into your own desires. 

3. Chronology on being Gay?  

Speaker C is a former gay but he is a transformed person and now only focuses on his duty towards Allah SWT. He said the feelings started when he was 6, he had this feminine characteristic. He liked playing with girls and all the girly girl games such as cooking. He was more comfortable with girls as compared to boys because boys were always rough. He preferred the accompany of girls because they were always so gentle and nice to him. 

Whenever he was bullied by boys, the girls would back him up and he felt a sense of security. Which made him have this tendency to keep being what he felt he was. He felt confined when the teachers wouldn't let him play the games that he wanted because with the mentality that " boy is supposed to play football not go to cooking class " 

4. Can LGBT be cured? How? 

Speaker A said the first few steps of changing to LGBT is by using hormone or getting the transgender surgery. But one of the most important medical issues that LGBT is related to, is most probably HIV. 

There's a study, where they focused on heterosexual and homosexual couples that one of them is HIV positive and one is not. They observed whether or the HIV was transmitted after approximately 3 years of the study and 58,000 times of sexual activity. It was found that they were zero transmission of the HIV.
This indirectly encouraged the gay movement with the thought that HIV can be reduced. 

In 2017, 50% of HIV has been reduced. Now we can manage and control HIV but there is still no cure! Then, Speaker A stated that when the American's acknowledge that homosexuality is not a mental disorder, so it doesn't need a cure but was opposed by the Indonesians. They believe there is a cure. 

The American's rebuttal to the Indonesian statement was based on experiments, homosexuality is a genetic disorder and hormonal disorder but that example was more on kunsa. In Islam, it is allowed when the situation is like that however, LGBT is more on sexual desire. 

The only cure for LGBT is an intervention. Integrative medicine with Islamic input that is significant to the change of a person's desire. This is very important because it may enlighten people to the right path. For example, he said that the inclusion of the mak nyah community when dealing with the death of one of their own might change their perception. We are encouraged to use the correct communication skills, soft intonations as these group of people are very sensitive about their well-being. We have to always be patient with them, thats why Speaker A said that it was important that we fix ourselves beforehand helping the LGBT community. 

LGBT is a problem of the heart and soul. That's all. 

5. What is the relevance of boycotting LGBT is the view of Islam?

First and foremost, Speaker B started with the fact that we discussed hukm Islam regarding the issue. It was fundamental that we know the basis of this issue in Allah SWT's opinion. 

He said that we need to discriminate them. Now, hold on to your pants. He didn't mean discriminate them with us. He meant that even in Islam there are multiple levels of iman, why is that any different from them? From the most severe to the least. Not meaning, they're only half gay. Far from that, it means that they realize they're faults and have that sense of guilt or those who are influencing others. 

Being a good Muslim is not an option, its an obligation. 

There's no choice in the matter. And yet there are still levels for the Islamic community. That's similar to the LGBT. 

1. Nifa' 

2. Fasik 

3. Munafik

Based on these three categories, Munafik is the one that Speaker B insisted on stopping. The other two, he said we need to learn and advise them nicely because they're nearer to the path than the third one. Munafik group are promoting LGBT sins, so these are the people that we need to stop because they make others confused.

Speaker B finished off with a reminder that we should always be nice to these people and help them. Approach them nicely and InshaAllah, they'll eventually get back to the right path. 

Discriminate according to their needs. 

6. How did you change your view on LGBT and turned towards Allah SWT?

Previously, during the first question Speaker C already stated that he was most affected by the fact that his late father would be blamed in the afterlife about his lifestyle. 

He said that most LGBT people think. "its okay for now, when I'm approaching my death or later in life, I'll have time to repent" But then, when you reach a certain point of your life when you are unhappy with the mediocre lifestyle that society provides, you would revert to a radical approach and sell yourself. 

This was mainly because the discrimination that is happening around these type of people has made them turn back to the streets. Even when he was near to the path of Allah SWT, he was slowly changing. But with the problems that occur even when you stop, many would go right back. 

Eventually, he said, his heart was finally opening up to Allah SWT because he thought death was inevitable. 

He also reminded us that these people know when we're approaching them either we're fake or being sincere. If we're sincerely helping them, they won't reject fully our help but if we're fake, they'll know. 

7. The impact of LGBT who has gotten to the right path? 

Depression. Speaker A said that the statistics of depression cases regarding LGBT was very high. When you've lived a lavish lifestyle and you stop, who's going to help you? You can't get that amount of money anywhere. You'd be jobless and starving of hunger. So you'd eventually turn back to your ways. But this time, it's killing you inside. Because you know how wrong it is and yet you do it because you don't know where else you are going to get money for food. 

Depression due to starvation or just financial problems are common even for other people. But having these problems when you're just starting off, I can only imagine the devastations. Especially when some families have already disowned them. For those who actually due to the transsexual surgery where they remove your penis has a higher rate of suicidal compared to others.

This is because Speaker C stated that your heart and soul feels empty. You're not your full self. So if you're thinking of doing it, you should not do it to that extent. Just imagine if you change your mind. Be rational when changing. Take it slowly. 

8. How to deal with LGBT following the Islamic views? 

A common point of view is that you're practicing Islam but LGBT is not your responsibility. Our community has this saying " Kamu Agama Kamu, Saya Agama Saya" which means that you do you, I'll do me. This is even though a long-lasting saying in Malaysia because we believe that we shouldn't bother others, it's completely wrong. 

This belief is completely different from what Islam is about. Islam is a religion of community. 

The first thing that we are needed to do? Spread what Allah SWT has bestowed upon us. 

The 3 steps to help them : 

a) Education: educate them, attend usrah with them. even if you can't help them, tell someone who can.

b) Sincerely: with sincerity, your help may be blessed by Allah SWT and may help many more. Your initial intention should be sincere and eventually, the hidayah may be eased by Allah SWT.

c) Attitude: go personally and help them. Help them study the Quran, get them to pray together. Show the REAL and TRUE meaning of being Islam. 

9. The problems that LGBT have ever face? 

Speaker C started off saying that there was a movement where some would round them up and hit them randomly. They would do that to just any of the LGBT members. They would do it in groups. Sometimes just a broken arm but others may lead to a coma. 

He said that LGBT has had it rough so in order we wanted to help them, we need to be strong-willed and sincere with our actions. Maybe by that, they'll eventually end up finding their path on they're own. 

PARTNER OR LOVER ?

When I was younger, it seemed like we were supposed to marry the person we love. A typical love story, boy meets girl, they fall in love and get married. But when you get older and wiser, you realize that people tend to settle for a partner rather than a lover. 

I've come to notice that people settle to spend the rest of their lives with someone they can live with. Not necessarily someone who can give them the best love story of their life, its more to someone who, no matter what will be there and support you. The love that comes with this, is more to a friendly-caring sort. 

It's just someone you can see a nice life with. 

I'm not saying there aren't any couple that survives until marriage life. I guess people tend to settle. And it's not wrong. If you see a comfortable life, whats wrong with grabbing that chance? Don't worry, people tend to fall in love eventually. 

I asked my mum this question if it comes to it. Which one should I pick, and she told me about her experience. She chose someone who no matter what people said, would stick by her. Believed in her when the odds were against her. He was the one constant in her life. Hard to believe that she was talking about my dad but I get where she's coming from.

It may be just an old friend, a genuinely nice guy you never gave a chance but he's just there. Secretly not caring what others say about and care for you just the way you are. Beyond belief, he'll be your life partner. 

Now, maybe people don't see that marrying someone other than the person you have feelings is possible. The fear of a broken marriage scares everyone. They believe that "with love, they can conquer anything". 

It totally and utterly wrong. 

Compromise. Understanding. Honesty. Trust. Just to name a few traits that matter after marriage way more than your "feelings". I guarantee you'll still love that person but in a different way. 

I guess, if I was to imagine to be in those shoes, I'll love that person because he out of all the others, he's the one person that decided to spend the rest of his life sharing it with me. Neither the fear of falling out of love nor the fear of the love to burn out is present. 

The thought of actually falling in love with your best friend is a dream. Who wouldn't want that? To start a relationship after marriage, but to marry due to a friendship. Its the most sincere thing that can happen. 

I would choose a friend to spend the rest of my life with, what would you choose? 

TEA-NANG

The other day, one of my friends replied to my tweet about my love of tea. He summarised how drinking tea for me in one sweet word, 'tenang' or calm. It was cute and nice of him so credits to Yusoff! 

I'm not spilling tea here but I just wanted it to be clear about something that's been happening. You know there comes a time when you're just sick and tired of staying quiet cuz you don't want to be THAT girl but you just have to be THAT girl for the sake of your dignity. 

And so, here I am. Telling you something that you may or may not believe. 

For some reason, I am portrayed as someone who leaves somebody when they are at their worst. Not only me but my friends too. I can't speak for them but I know this much is true, we have never intentionally left someone prior to our knowledge that they are at their worst. 

I have never left someone alone when they are facing something terrible unless they push me away. I get that everyone will face ups and downs, I totally understand them but unless you talk to me about it, how am I supposed to know. I can't read minds people. I only wish. 

We're all humans here, we're unable to know what lies inside your heart so if you say one thing, we'll understand that. I mean, communication is key here. But instead, you say one thing to us and then tell the world something else as though we're the ones at fault. 

I have always tried to be the bigger person and let you paint your own story because I've had enough of people stabbing me behind my back. I didn't want to give any energy towards something so petty. 

But now, with all the pictures she's been drawing. I am here to set things straight. 

If you think that we're fighting about boys or friends, it is totally wrong. If you think that we're fighting because I wasn't there for her, you're wrong. To me, I wasn't even in the fight. She just decided that everyone else couldn't be her friend while they were being my friends. 

I personally didn't mind being "friend-less", I said that to her face. I didn't want people to choose sides. I never did. By the way, she was acting as though people were. When all this was happening, I cried for a week straight because of this but no one, and I mean no one except my trusted best friend knew about this "argument". 

No one even knew what she did to me but the following weeks, she made sure that everyone knew I was the bad guy. Luring in her friends to trust me and only me. So there it is. That's the truth. Ever since I've been trying to fix things with her, but when you know the person so well, you just know how she truly is and you can't really trust them so much after. 

Oh and for the record, I'm not one to "steal boyfriends". We are just friends that talk about problems in our lives. He's kinda a nice person to have and I assure you, everyone can vouch for that. He's just the sweetest guy (sometimes, sometimes he's stupid and stubborn but what guy isn't) 

Recently, I have the least amount of care regarding things she does but she gets to me when she's with Buddy. There is nothing that I can do about being bothered but you know, it just sucks. 

I guess I just needed people to know my side of the story eventually. More details can't be known cuz it is really none of your business. As long as the main thing where we aren't such useless friends as we are being portrayed. We're actually really trying to be the good guy here. 

A 10-YEAR GAP?!

The other day, I stumbled upon a realization. People with year gaps relationship actually work out better compared to people without those gaps. I mean, there are multiple examples, you just have to look. 

All my life, I always thought of dating or being in a relationship with guys my age. I never really looked at older guys, I always had the 'Abang' factor. Ok let me break it down for you, the Abang factor is when you're even a year older than me, I have this sense of respect that I wouldn't pass this boundary. I lived in a high school where seniority was a thing and I really didn't think of some seniors as friends, personally, I think of them as a big brother who would look after me. Maybe it was because I don't have a big brother but the thought of just having an older brother to ask for advice and what not, just felt secure.

This all changed when my classmates are actually filled with guys older than me by a year or so. I still try to build a wall by calling them pakcik or something but they act just like any other guy my age so I eventually just forgot and treated them the same. But trust me, the batch above me, I never stepped over THAT boundary. And so, that's where I was open to the idea of being in a relationship with someone older than me. 

However, I have never seen myself with anyone younger. They all seem like my little brother so i don't know how that would work out. 

All this relates to the extra time I've been having. I watched "Pretty Noone who buys me food" and "Doctor Crush" Korean dramas that open up about age gaps between couples. I know it's not real but it's not like we can actually see how real live couple act around each other. It was a real eye-opener. 

In Doctor Crush, the guy was older by around 9 years and he was great at understanding her. He simply just knew what she needed compared to what she wanted. He was a sense of reality and logic that she needed. A relationship like that was really fun to see since they really had an understanding with each and the communication amongst both of them was sublime. It's not that drama where you're at the edge of your seat going "JUST TELL HER ALREADY! FIX IT! THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE MEANS. SHE LOVES YOU LAH! ARE YOU DUMB?!" None of that. The practically just let it all out and they really do love the honesty compared to secrets and lies.

In Pretty Noone Who Buys Me Food, the girl is older but I guess he was what she needed. She was somewhat boring and he just gave her life color. But they both act very mature and have those fun times too. I mean the guy understands her and he is very capable of going her speed. 

All in all, it made me realize one thing which I'd like to share with you. Maybe you get an older guy or a younger guy or even the same age. But if it was different ages, it really is nothing to be ashamed of. Do you know how hard it is to find a guy who understands you and to respect you enough to want to save the relationship rather than to give up? Why would you want to risk that just for the sake of avoiding what other people are saying? There shouldn't be an age limit between partners really but living in this Malay community everything is easy to judge than to solve. 

Everyone just has their specific person that clicks. So why do we look at the age? It's just an illusion. It's

just a number. If he's more mature and understanding than your classmates, whats wrong with that? Think about it. 

LETTER TO THE BEACH.

So how does it feel? Satisfying? Does it satisfy you that you are now able to make me feel like this? Probably nearly every other human being knows common decency but not you. No, you disregard everything humanity asks us to do. 

From one human, i've now understood how mistresses or second wife come about in our lifetime. There are humans who think its okay to be close to someone ignoring the fact that either they have a relationship or not. You have taught me that not only some humans are capable of intentionally hurting the people that care for them but you've taught me that you can act as though you're the victim here. 

I understand why you would want to hurt me but how could you do that to someone who has never intentionally hurt you? She would cry each time if she did anything that was remotely hurting your feelings. So what did you think, you wanted to get even? You would rather flirt with the one guy she truly had feelings for than just try to be a good friend. You really stoop this low didn't you. 

If it was just a random occurring event, fine i would have considered you were just friends but why did you even want to go out with him? To show us, you're better than us? You have more friends than us? You have a genuine relationship with the boys than us? You have boys falling at your feet for your every whim? Is that it? Newsflash babe, we don't care. We wouldn't care if you had more friends than us, we weren't even aware that we were in a competition.

How could you use our feelings to get even with us? With the knowledge of who actually we had feelings for, you wouldn't have done what you did. But you did anyways. Even when you knew who we liked and how much we liked him, you still had the heart to flirt with them. Oh wait, thats just how you treat everyone. So i guess thats not flirting for you, thats just how you are. At least you could've not be who you were towards him.

You could've been a friend and stopped being petty. But you just proven to us how much we were right about you. The only thing that you gave us was reassurance at how we are lucky to have gotten rid of you from our lives.

HAPPINESS.

It will always be just another typical day. It was a day like any other. But the thing is, you get to enjoy the happiness. 

The last time I blogged, I kept talking about how i should move on. And literally, did nothing but kept talking about moving on. I finally did something about it. I eventually started to move on. 

So after watching this drama, I started to just accept the fact that, YES I do like someone who doesn't feel the same, but it wasn't gonna stop me. I just relished at the thought and the sight of him. Just liking him was enough for me. 

The more I felt that way, the more the feeling disappeared. I enjoyed just being with my friends. I spent my time studying. I smiled more. I laugh a lot more now. I just stopped caring what he thought and just cared about my life. On that day, people asked me if i was happy. I happily answered that i was genuinely happy. 

I figured I didn't have problems with any friends or family. I was satisfied with my studies and work load. The only that could bring me down was regarding him but that was something I, myself could change. And i eventually did.
Out of the blue, i realised I somewhat moved on. 

One of my friends told me that he didn't have the slightest feelings towards me and I didn't know why but i felt nothing. It didn't bothered me.

I was grateful that i get to wake up in the morning. I am grateful that I get to share my life with the best type of people imaginable. I had too much people caring for me. And I was simply blessed. 


I now and still answer people that I am genuinely happy. 

SOMETHING YOU NEVER HAD.

Yesterday night, i decided to watch this old movie. Its called 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 days'. I've watched the movie a couple times but this was the first time that i cried. 

There's a part in the movie where she said 'You can't lose something you never had'. 

Honestly, that made sense to me more than ever. 

Why am i this sad over a guy who wasn't even mine? Why does it bother me so much when he doesn't even like me?

So, when people ask me, i just say that i don't care anymore. Because there's this Islamic saying where we need to accept everything with an open heart. It's all apart of God's plan.

Who am I to question what His plan is just for the sake of my happiness. Who am I to be selfish for my own happiness. I accept the lesson i am receiving now because its something i need to learn on my own. 

When i tell my friends how i feel or anything, i don't want their sympathy. It's just me sharing my life with them. 

I know some worry. But I'll be fine. I hope. 

CONTINUE THE CHARADE.

After being cheated on, played and somewhat backstabbed, this time it hurts more.

Here i go telling you guys how i really feel right now...

Its like getting your heart broken every second. It doesn't stop. Just the slight thought, a simple memory, anything really just breaks it. I feel broken all the time. After feeling broken over and over again, I still have to put on a smile. I don't know how to tell people how tired I am to act and be strong in front of them because i don't want people to ask. But thats not clearly their fault, even i don't feel right just staying quiet. But when you feel broken and keep pretending, you'll lose your mind. I haven't felt this down in the dumps for a while now. I find peace in laying down and closing my eyes. Imagining that it will all be over. Then i fall asleep and sometimes i get a slight happiness in my dream or worst. I wake up and be reminded at how dreams will never come true in this world. You may think i'm just saying every cliche' thing you've heard in movies or books. But thats the only way i can describe it. Trying to move on when the person you like is right in front of you, being happy with someone else. Tears me apart and yet i still have to smile and laugh with everyone. But once i can hide, I just let go. Its physically painful to sit and hear him being happy with everyone else when he can't even bare to look at your face. So i try my best to not make it look like it gets to me. I tried nearly everything to make sure i don't need to see it everyday. I turn my back on them. I sit having my back face them. I let my friends "attack" me anytime when they see him or if he's talking to cover my eyes and ears. Maybe you think its over the top but I literally cry everyday in class now. If i don't go to the toilet, i just wait to go back to my room and let it out myself. And whats worst is, i don't know what he's doing but he's doing a great job at playing with my feelings. Sitting in front of me like its an ordinary thing. If you say he doesn't know how i feel, he does. If you guys say, he doesn't know he's hurting you. I told him i need time. What do you think? 2 weeks is enough for a girl to move on? Not this girl. It was pretty selfish of him to sit there. It was torture to not talk to him. To not look at him. To just avoid crying in the middle of the class. Yes i do just like him. I don't love him. I never loved him. I don't know him well enough. See thats what bothers me. I just liked talking to him. But why am i this broken. Trust me, i don't want a relationship with him. I just wanted a friend to have a continuous conversation with. He was fun to talk to. Interesting even. Things got weird and then i found out he somewhat feels like i'm not "meant" for him. I guess i'm not. But then to wait for him to say it but eventually doesn't, that wasn't fair. so i guess i pulled the trigger because he already aimed it at me.


Why continue the act when you know the ending?

ACCEPTANCE.

" As she looks up to the skies after praying, she feels a sense of calm washing over her"

It's not just me but everyone, everywhere has dealt with stress. And sometimes the stress are coming from a specific person in their lives. For me, its been happening so much that i can't even dwell on how stressful it can be, trying to contemplate how his mind thinks sometimes. 

When having two different ways of thinking, you tend to disagree a lot. But by now, i think people already know this new thing called COMPROMISE. Its not even compromising when only one party is sacrificing something while the other just gains everything. 

Tolerating this behaviour has gotten me shouting and screaming a lot lately but my friends all understand how frustrating it is to me. Most people know i can be understanding and i do try to be more open on how people act and react towards certain issues. I admit i have a temper but its only when people really burden me with unnecessary issues.

I had no idea what to do. So as always i turn back to the basics. In Islam, we are taught the things to avoid being angry. And so far, I'm holding on to those teachings. 

I try to calm myself with reminding myself that Allah SWT is challenging me with this person in myself. And its been helping a bit. InshaAllah, it'll eventually help me towards acceptance. 

WEAR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT YOU.

Kids are busy growing up while they're missing out on being a kid. 

I have no idea why, but here in Malaysia, its like a MUST to start up a self-branding business in cosmetics and beauty. Now, i don't mind the starting up a business. Puh-lease. I'm not petty. 

Its the "if you wanna look like me" or the "you have to look like this, that is why your husband will love you and not cheat you" ploy that gets me steaming through my ears. 

Who da heck told you that everyone should look like you or looking a certain way will guarantee anything. My eyes have been rolling towards all the marketing planning in all these companies. 

Social media is somehow telling little girls that they have to look a certain way nowadays. You gotta wear tight jeans, you gotta have flawless skin, you gotta have perfect teeth and etc.

People blame it when they see twelve year olds dress like twenty year olds. They wanna act grown up too fast, you say. I will now ask you, who has told them otherwise? Who has shown them how they should look? 

When i was a little girl, they wasn't a lot of these advertisements. Its just the product, wind blowing through your hair, funny guy singing in the shower and so on. The commercials were more towards attracting the consumers to know the products benefits in an interesting way not who the ambassadors are. 

Literally could wear my pyjamas outside and don't care. Kids nowadays are busy growing up and forgetting to be a kid. 

I do agree the "public figures" or "influencers" are pretty. But they can afford that lifestyle and they have been practising that lifestyle for a while. In our economy status, its not like we can always afford that lifestyle. 

And in others words, wear the clothes that fit you okay?

SPEAK UP!

The other day, there was this small issue with my classmates. It was something that was easy to handle but well, lemme tell you. 

There is 48 people in that class. And yet many kept quiet and stood by watching some of them act very childish. Ok sure, you may ask why i didn't do anything. When this happened, i was busy at home, enjoying my free time with my family. Who opens the class whatsapp group when you're at home that much. I personally don't. 

When i did had the time to read everything, i was pretty disappointed with everyone in the class. I thought that someone would actually say something about it. I know who is capable of saying something and those who aren't. And since no one said anything, i simply just took the easy way out. I just changed the topic and be as discretely angry as i could. 

I was particularly disappointed with this one guy. I pretty much look highly of him and with his extra-curiccular activities, i thought he would say something. It was something completely wrong and yet he just tweeted about it. I was so mad that i ignored him for a week ( & counting! ) If someone like him couldn't do something as simple as this, then whats left for us, the small people. 

It just sucked because I expected more from him. I hoped. And thats when you get disappointed, I guess. 

The other thing that I don't get is why my classmates still think theres a 'barrier' where people can't say anything freely. I mean, am i such a bad leader that people can't say what they want anymore. Am i such a bad person to deprive people of their capability of speaking their minds with confident? 

I never wanted a situation like this for my batch. 

I just wish they know they can speak up in class without feeling judged. I just wish they know what every they say, i'll support it or i'll try to understand it. 

ROCK YOU!

So in class the other day, its was about the time to choose the class representative. And as usual, everyone just laid back and waited for someone to step up. It usually takes 5 minutes before the lecturer just gives up and chooses a random person. But tell me if i'm wrong though.

Haven't it crossed your mind that you would like to try and take on that responsibility but you're to scared about what people would say. What people would do. Support you or just make your life a living hell. 

I have. I hope i'm not the only one.

Its what you do about that thought, matters. I guess i grew out of the awkward shy phase after a while. I started to put myself out there but i made sure that when i do, i'd make it worth my time. Whats the point  of putting yourself out there but then all you do is still depend on other people and just sit back and relax. 

Rock the independent mode for sure! No one will judge when they're busy asking how you have that much time to rock all the things you do. 

If you get asked to be something, just accept it and rock it! Make it something people will remember you by and acknowledge your good qualities. Because you yourself knows how much more better you can be, but you just didn't have the chance. 

Take this chance and be better. Grow yourself as a person. Join in more experiences. Don't be secluded to you yourself and friends. Expand the horizon because the world isn't getting any smaller. 

It'll be hard at first but then trust me, it'll just bring out the YOU that only few see, for others to admire. Believe in yourself while others don't because what you think is the only one that matters.

STUPID WORLDY MATTERS.

Its only the second day and like i expected, I had to face all the backlash from last semesters storm of problems. I was ready for it but I'm pretty exhausted. From only day TWO! I have the most fun with my friends. But sometimes my head is somewhere else. Knowing and thinking about what I need to be doing and thinking about what I have to do next. And next. And next. Never stop writing down mental lists to settle a lot of things without delay. Such as. 

Obligations. Adding more obligations because I want to be prepared and experienced later in life. Its something I'm sure with some chill pills and support from my friends, I'll be good eventually. I guess I'm trying to put myself out there in society clubs wise. I want to expand my contact lists in a way. I love my group of friends but sometimes I think we're too consumed with each other that we forget we're actually living in a BIG community. We have to try to get to know some of them. Thus, everyone is sooo active this semester which brings me joy since everyone has their part to do.

Education. Something that i genuinely love doing when I'm in college. Don't call me a nerd or anything but sometimes just reading and just giving my full focus on my studies, give me a sense of calmness. I don't know why. Its just a little joy I get. But the great satisfaction of finishing and understanding the lessons we learnt, well that is indescribable.

Then it just hit me. Why the heck am I so distracted with all these small matters? It had such a huge impact on me but why? Its not like something that will last forever. Why are we so obligated to all these stupid distractions?

I guess we need to know when to stop and take a breather by remembering God. The real reason why we do things. We have to have a firm stand towards the extent of our sacrifices for all these worldly stuffs. 

We naturally give more than we're intended too. So back up a little, lets take a second to be thankful for what you have now. Just take a breather once in a while. 

Don't make it the main thing in your life. Because all of this is temporary. Even your biggest problems. 

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY, MALAYSIA .

As you all may know, Malaysia's Independence Day is today! MERDEKA! 

Through out my childhood, we were reminded and taught about how we have become a united country and achieved independence. It was interesting and all but I studied it because it was in the syllabus and I had to score an A. 

To listen to the stories and find out things about our country. The soldiers. The people who sacrificed for the sake of our country. It was inspirational.

But I wasted it on the thought that I only needed to learn this for the exams.

My favourite thing about the Independence Day is ultimately the unity we share as fellow citizens of Malaysia. 

So every year when there would always held celebrations for Independence Day, which was prior for every school. They would make the student stand up and sing to all the songs related to the Independence Day. Everyone would sing along and wave the Jalur Gemilang. 

Usually, in between the songs, I would stop singing and enjoy the sound of everyone singing. And just look around. 

Everyone would be smiling and enjoying themselves. 

You can seriously hear nothing but the excitement in everyones voice. And everyone was in one voice. United. 

For that five seconds, you forget about all the problems that was happening around the world ( that is me exaggerating ) but you know what I mean. The whole world becomes silent and you just enjoyed the moment. 

Those little moments when you stop and see the happiness around you. Those are the ones worth fighting for. The people you share it with, they are the ones worth fighting for. 

I'm not literally saying you should go join the army ( but it wouldn't be wrong though.) I'm saying that you should fight for making sure harmony and peace maintains in the world where you live in. 

I will always be proud to be a Malaysian. Wherever I am. I'm always an Anak Jati Malaysia! 

DON'T FALL FOR IT.

A few days ago, I was watching a movie - To The Bone. It was about anorexia nervosa patients or bulimia patients that struggle to eat or stay healthy. While watching I had this urge of wanting to follow how they live.

They all look super fit & thin. Heck, Lily Collins was acting. How was I suppose to not want to be like her?

But somewhere along the way, I realised that I should be comfortable in my own skin. I should but I wasn't. 

Why? I kept asking why. Why don't I look or feel as happy as the girl in the movie? Why don't I feel good about myself? Why do i constantly compare how i look with other people? 

Its not easy to completely shove all the insecurities away. Its not easy to always feel genuinely happy. Why is that? What was I doing wrong?

Then I turned to the internet. 

Turns out, I was still at the beginning of my journey for a healthy lifestyle. I've still got a long way to go. I shouldn't get so worked up on things when I'm still near the starting point. 

Me after a 3 hour workout ! 

Yes. To me, I look totally fat and bloated and not attracting at all. But now, to me, I know eventually I'll look THE BOMB DOT COM. With a lot of patience and effort, I'll get to achieve the body goals I've always wanted. 
Maybe-possibily-fortunately looking like Lily Collins. (I DREAM BIG OK!) 

So here, I'm going to remind you to not fall for it. To not fall for the insecurities. Don't get sucked in on how other people look and how you're not as pretty.

Trust me, if you're not happy with how you look. You can change it. If you're satisfied, I'm more than happy for you. 

I'll let you know you're beautiful everyday. 

Just don't get fall for the stereotypical way of HOW people have a short cut to lose weight by starving yourself or even throwing up. Its not good for you body. 

You'll look worst. 

I believe that it will take time. You'll be swayed but stand your ground. God said to always be patient. 

But heck, we can always just edit all the fat out. Kidding! 

Love yourself enough to take care of YOU! 

BE FIT OR BE SICK?

You know when you were little, whatever you ate in what ever proportion didn't really matter because you literally wouldn't gain any weight AT ALL. And then suddenly your metabolism starts to drop & you end up waking up feeling super fat. 

Personally, thats what happened to me. Being able to eat a whole pizza & 3 bars of chocolate without gaining was SUPER FUN & i barely exercised when i was little but i was still small sized considerably. Now, I just feel fat & its a big insecurity of mine. 

Well who wouldn't be insecure. I used to eat a lot & didn't look fat at all. No flabby stomach or anything but then when you get older, everything starts to suck. You tend to start noticing all the difference in your body and it bothers you so much. But you're feeling too down on yourself & just wallow in your despair. 

You start eating a lot of junk food and not caring about your health at all. 

To top it all off, while studying in college, trying to save up on money, you eat those cheap unhealthy things. Saying that as a reason why you're living a very unhealthy lifestyle. With the normal lifestyle where girls don't usually workout at all but they look as thin as twigs. 

So what was the reason why i started to take better care of myself? 

Was it because of a boy? 

(Nope. Lol, boys influence nothing on how i look. Cmon, i go to class as comfortable i want. No intentions to look good for any guy) 

It was me just finally giving up on being mad at myself & not doing anything about it. Just hated how i looked in the mirror every morning. And having a mum who actually forces you to go workout without her, helped a little. I kind of depended on my mum & sister to take me to workout on some days. But nowadays, i actually want to go & sweat all those bad stuff out of my body. 

Knowing it'll be a long process was mainly the problem. But when you start to feel good about how you feel every morning after a work out, its totally worth it.

You just know that your body feels so much better with the workout & healthy eating. Drinking a lot of water helps a lot for both your skin & weight losing.

Just know there is no short cut. (i would know, i'd tried) Have enough of a reason to keep going & keep working out. There will be something good to come out of it. I promise! 

One of the workout sessions with mama & my sister. 

BE BRAVE & CHANGE YOUR DECISIONS.

Have you ever thought that maybe you've chosen the wrong career choice? Have you ever thought of doing something else but don't have the guts to start over? 

Why is that? Why are we afraid of taking different choices or changing our minds? 

Who is it that decided that we aren't allowed to ever change our decisions. Being at this age of day, we are able to try different things. And also, there are career paths that weren't available a long time ago. 

Who would have thought being famous on internet can actually generate an income for some people. But its totally not a joke. Its serious stuff. A job is still a job. It only matters if you love it or not. 

I cannot tell you how many times people have been speculative of why i chose biotechnology for my degree. And why i actually keep studying biology whilst its hard for everybody else. 

Haven't you ever thought that maybe you're speculating someone's dream & interests?

Don't do anything that may influence someone to give up their dream because "it's not cool" or "its super hard, do you think you can do it?" type of thinking. 

Support your friends in what they want to do & if they want your advice whether they should change courses or not, tell them to do what they think thats best for them. Follow their interest & talent and with God's will everything will be alright. 

Oh and plus, if they don't get what they want. Tell them to not give up, God has a plan. Maybe later in life you will come across it without even knowing it. Nothing happens without a reason.

So don't give up. Just excel in what you have to achieve what you want. 

A PERFECT CONVERSATION.

I just met up with a close friend today for my iftar & like always, i talked so much. With my hand gestures and everything. I knew i was worked up on telling her a simple story. But I was excited that i genuinely have a real conversation with someone, i enjoy talking to.

It really didn't matter what we were talking about. It was mostly everything really. And to basically have a long conversation like that, it was nice. 

Ok not in a "duh it was nice. nothing special". NO. It was nice, in the calm & the feeling of belonging. Which made me realise that there are many types of "perfect" conversations. 

Like the one i just had. A friend, who generally have no relation & suddenly comes into your life but just clicks, you know? So you tell her everything, up to your deepest hardships. But she'll understand it & doesn't judge you but relates to you in ways you thought no one would. 

But there are those when, you talk to a friend you've known for a long time. This friend, well, she already knows everything about you. But everyone changes in due time, so she just keeps learning the new things in your life & the small changes. She already knows how you'll react so she just needs to pay attention to the BIG things. She's your safety net. 

And those conversation with a friend you have feelings for. You're all giddy & nervous but when you talk to each other, it doesn't feel like its going to end. You talk & talk about things in the past. What made you, YOU. The things you learnt. The things you believe in. Your opinions. And those conversations, well, is meaningful when trying to learn about each other. Talking & just wanting to know how that persons doing. Just wanting to know what they're thinking. A conversation of a lifetime. 

There are many more types of conversations and these are my favourites because, it just actually depends on the person you're talking to. The person within the conversation can really change the setting of the company itself. 

So let's try to actually talk to each other. Not dwell on our mobile phones & messages. even when it's easier & faster. the genuine human interaction is depleting & i hope we do something about it. Because, if we stopped talking to each other, we will feel secluded & outcasted. And we all already watched 13 reasons why. So don't make that mistake.