I'M NOT A LIAR.

Hey guys, i know its been forever since i last blogged and these past few posts were more related to UIA stuffs and it was way far from what i usually write. So here i am with my life update. So sit back, its a long one. 

A while back when i was finally happy with life, (like all problems would appear) I was brought to the information where a certain someone has been spreading false rumours about me. Everything but one thing was already expected. I knew she would do such things but there was one thing that i didn't know she was capable of. 

A little back track here, when i was starting of college, foundation to be exact, at that age my parents weren't really stressing me out about my academic, maybe they already believed that they've taught me well enough. And to be honest, it was true. I was pressuring myself on my own to succeed because it was something i wanted to do. ME. My choice. So i would have these episodes of blacking out when i was stressed out. It would happen once a year. Usually when i'm super stressed and when i decided to not think about and move on.

I guessed when you're strained so much and you decide to let go instantly, it doesn't work well with your body. so everything shuts down. So on my second episode, during one of my philosophy classes, apparently she's been telling people i was just doing it to get attention. If only that was true. Having such episodes isn't something i want. I would have to spend days taking rests and i have to take blood tests and so on. Being sick isn't something someone wants. And for everyone to know that i'm weak. Thats far from what i want. Truly. 

So let me get the record straight for all my readers that NO, i didn't and have never faked blacking out. You can check the hospital records if you want. But you won't be seeing me have those episodes anymore, hopefully. because i promised my friend Iffah that i wouldn't do that to her again. Twice is enough. Haha. Hopefully i get through this year without blacking out. But just imagine. ( i'll keep you updated ) 

Okay back to the story, so yeah she spread false rumours. Not just about that but about other things to. And you could imagine how i felt, furious, betrayed, sad even. But it wasn't at her really, it was at the people who could've possibly trusted all her lies. All the people who were close to me that believed her nonsense. 

Like i've said multiple times, i have trust issues. And once you lie to me, i would doubt everything you do. I'm sorry but its just how i think and operate. I'm not the type of girl that forgets really. Its not that i don't give second chances but once you break my trust, i'll forgive you its just i can't forget. You can say that i'll hold it against you really. But i'll always want you in my life. 

Now as you can see, i'm talking as if i'm objecting this to someone and its true. I am. I'm saying this to one of my close friend, whom i miss so much. I want to tell him everything that i've been going through but i can't. I just doubt everything he does because supposedly he's been doing things out of the sincerity of his heart for the greater good.

My friends just don't understand that he hurt me. All they see is that i should forgive him and let him back into my life. But letting someone who lies to you into your life isn't something i want really. who does? i'm a firm believer of honesty. Even if its the ugly truth. I don't care. Better give me that than me hearing from someone else or later on. Now look, i can't even trust the one person i trust most with my secrets and feelings. 

Being lied to throughout my life, makes me the one person who would like to surround myself with honest people. I can catch a lie so easily now. Thats how common people lie to me. But thats just the first few weeks i left you.

I took a day away to myself to find a bit of me again. I've been walking on eggshells because people are making me feel things that i don't want to feel. I have to put on a image of how people should see me. Not the broken me. And it was tiring so i ran away for a day. 

It was nice, i drank coffee alone. I ate sushi alone. I cried alone infront of my school. 

To feel that broken, you guys really can't ask me to be okay really. It wasn't right. But it was better than having to tell people how i really felt. Because when you say it out loud, you just know how broken you are. How hurt it was for you. It wasn't something i wanted to admit. 

I'm pretty messed up. 

But i guess considering everything, I guess I always will be. The circumstances have made me messed up. 

People may say i'm not "lady-like" or like any other girls. But why should i hide that, people are lying to themselves if they really think they're being their true selves infront of everyone they know. I don't care really if i'm not what others think i should be. As long i'm not lying to myself, i know that atleast a person out there isn't lying. 

Haha sounds cliche' like the type you hear at the end of a movie but think about it, being surrounded by liars, you take it up to yourself to be true to yourself and be the honest person you want others to be, right? 

Well i personally agree so. But hey, thats just me :) 

SG. PANDAN WATERFALL.

The other day, my classmates and I went to Sg. Pandan Waterfall. Just a little recreational outing at the begging of the semester. It was a lot of fun since everyone participated in a way that I am ever so grateful. No one sat out, everyone had their part in all of it and I guess it was a day to remember.

We drove out around 8 in the morning via convoi. It was most probably the best time every since we all just talked and sang our way there. (in my car, atleast). When we arrived, it was pretty much empty since we aimed to go there when it just opened. So not many public residents were there. 

There were stalls and shops that were still setting up their food. Family gathering up their stuff from the car to bring to the waterfall. It was just like a typical outing with the family, only a bunch of university students were gonna crash it and turn it into a family day outing. Whoops. 

So me and Nana waited for Dayah while she had to listen to the games briefing since we needed to send a represenatative. I called my parents to tell them i have safely arrived but the line there isn't that very good. Even for a Celcom users. But I successfully reached my parents and they just told me to be safe. 

Me and Nana ended up just sitting by the bridge and talked. We were wondering what took Dayah soo long but when the bridge was empty we didn't want to miss a chance for a photo op. When we started snapping, someone called my phone. 

It was Dayah.

She was just mad that we were taking pictures without her. Leaving her behind and what not. So me and Nana, giggling our way to Dayah to comfort her. It didn't take long for her to forgive us but it did need a lot of food. haha

Since we were in a somewhat war with Dayah, she literally drenched me with water and hooray, i was one of the first girlst that was covered with water. I wanted to keep it cool and take my time getting into the water. Since the water was very cold and alhamdulilah the weather that day wasn't that hot. The sun was just bright that day. Great for that sunkissed picture! 

Everything was all dandy. Everyone got to play games, have fun and no one died. THANK GOD! 

Here's a few more pictures from that day. There are a few people missing since it was technically a holiday and people wanted to go home. 

But most of us got to make it there and i guess we got a little bit closer by splashing in the water of fish pee. 

This was underneath the waterfall. There are some small fishes that played there but nothing major. Not leeches and what not. 

All in all, it was a lovely day. We had fun, spent time together. Got into a small adventure. Nothing too extreme but still every adventure teaches us  somethings such as, I should really start learning how to climb rocks properly hahaha. 




The facilities there are below average but its sufficient enough to go to the toilet and have a shower before leaving. A place to change and everything. The coconut water there. IS. DELICIOUS. Keropok lekor also available since we bought it for our trip back. You wouldn't be needing floats but they provide some for rental. Its actually not that deep but for kids, i guess so. I'm about 150, and I could still touch the floor. 

Everything is safe there but you gotta take care of each other and watch out for the sharp rocks! 

MY FIRST CAR. AXIA SE.

It's finally here! Ok look, I'm totally posting these days after but I don't care, I wanted to share and make it a memory for when I'd come back and read later. 

On the 31st of July, my red bug finally arrived home. Like I said a few posts before, my parents have been looking for a car to buy for me. And they finally made a decision, that's why I get to say that I FINALLY HAVE A CAR! 

OMG! I was excited and scared all at the same time. Do you know that feeling you get when you just feel your stomach rumbling but not from hunger but from anxiety? I guess I am slightly scared to drive because I rarely do, never got the chance much. But having a friend like Nana who is really supportive and just accepts mistakes as a path to improvement, has made me become more confident in driving. A bit. 

The night I got it, my little brother somehow wanted me to drive him to his late night tuition class. I was scared but I guess I had to since it already here and my mum already bought it. It would be a waste if I don't use it. And so I did. 

Woah! It was surreal. It was okay I guess. For a first drive after who knows how long I haven't been driving. Now I would find any excuse to drive it! Of course, while blasting the stereos with BTS.

I was excited, still am. But my friend said its okay because I appreciate the little things. I know some of you think its not little things, but nearly everyone around me has their own cars and never made a big deal out of it. Me however, I felt sooo giddy getting it. 

As far as cars go, I love how easy it is to handle plus its small and compact. Its enough for a student and someone who's starting off. 

Its a huge responsibility to have and I hope I do it justice. 

Here it is, my Axia 1.0 Special Edition! My little red bug! My first ever car. 

AXES AND HOSE.

You can hear it if you say the tittle properly. Nope. I'm not gonna be a firefighter any time soon. I am here to talk to you about my infamous ex of a guy. No, I don't plan on being mean. Well, not most of the time. 

Don't get me wrong. He was someone really important in my life. At a point. I still remember my old blog had a few posts about him but it all disappeared with the deletion of said blog. 

Oh come on, we were young. Just starting to figure out this whole love thing. He was such a charmer. We never intentionally wanted to be in a relationship because I was more interested in being his friend. I guess he had different plans. 

If I could track my old posts about how "it all began" I would but heres a more bitter version of it...

So, he was in a relationship with one of my schoolmate and it was the early stages of twitter. Only a handlful of people knew how to use twitter. Me and that schoolmate were close because of twitter but somehow he intervened one of our conversations and then we became friends in Facebook. 

Yeah don't say it. 

For me, genuinely I was only his friend but I wasn't sure what he was saying to other people. To be frank, he told me he liked me but I hated that fact that he was still in a relationship when he said that. I didn't even have feelings for him then, I was just focusing on my studies. So, I stopped talking to him completely. 

Somehow, his girlfriend found out and everyone had something to say about it. After I stopped talking to him, everything died down. 

But then, a year later, I was looking for people to help me out with the upcoming exams. Most of the boarding schools were taking part and thus, I reached out to him for some. 

Then, when I came back to school. He somehow told one of my schoolmates to have me call him to know more topics that might come out. I was surprised. I had totally forgot about him and then, he casually asked me to call him. But with the sincere intent for just education purposes, I called him.

I called him everyday because the exams were daily. And he would receive the topic the day before. Every night I would call him, get the answers and we would compare answers. It was nice and innocent ofcourse. But yeah, at that moment, it was starting to be complicated. 


When I finally got back home, I saw his tweets. He was tweeting everyday about me. To be honest, it was sweet. Then, the whole player attitude made me question everything. He said he already broken up with the girl and wanted to be in a relationship with me. 


I took 3 months to fully accept him. We didn't meet up or anything since we were both focusing on exams that year. We met after finishing those exams. 

I admit it was a nice relationship to have at such an early age of my life. He was a nice and patient young man who got me for who I was. He literally knew everything about my life. He was the only person I shared everything with. 


There were always the down parts where I would get suspicious with the girls he'd hang out with. You can't take the player out of the game. So, I didn't really truly trusted him. And I was right! In the end atleast. 

The two year relationship ended a few days before another big exam where he suposedly was in a relationship with my "at that moment" best friend. Guess how I did for that exam? I aced it! Hah! 


But it did break me. 

I knew I've said this to someone but I can't remember who at the moment but I did believe that he was the one guy that I knew my mum would love. He was smart, charismatic and influential. I mean, my mum would've just allowed me to be in a relationship if she knew him now. 

Oh don't worry, I don't have feelings for him now since its been like 4 years after not seeing him anymore. 

He still texts me in the middle of the night. 4 in the morning to be exact. Everytime I ask, what is it. He wouldn't answer. I just don't get it. 

I'm only writing this blog because I need your opinion. A relationship like that happens to only a few. A lifelong lesson that can only be experienced by the few. But hear me out, if it turned out that the person who broke you was the one you'd end up with? Doesn't that scare you?

I know by now you think I still have feelings for him. No i don't. I don't. Promise. But to love someone that much and to remove all feelings is close to impossible. Trust me, I asked my friends. Now I just care for him, well the old him i suppose. He's changed a bit too much.

Anyhow, I guess whats bothering me is that i'll never find something like I had with him. A pure understanding and his level of patience in a guy. I would just randomly get mad at him and he'll still just think I'm on my PMS. 

Guys nowadays don't take late replies as easy as I thought they would. I mean, you guys go on and on about how annoying girls are when they're being clingy. And then, when I'm a person who isn't clingy, you guys go and find some other hose. 

The second I start focusing on my studies and not give my fully attention to the guy, I get dumped even before starting a proper relationship. I just don't get it. 

Oh well, life goes on aye? 

UNGRATEFUL.

People tend to wonder why I haven't been blogging at all this holiday, and I guess it was just my fault. I have turned this blog to a place where I just put my feelings out there and just rant rather than try to inspire some people or share the lessons I've learned. 

That will all change now. 

I've been slacking on the updates so here goes. I have found myself to be the most ungrateful human ever. A few weeks ago, my parents decided to buy me a car because I've been bugging them about having one ever since Uber left Malaysia (RIP Uber!) We literally decided it on our way coming back from a short holiday we had. 

Then a few days passed my mum, asked to look at other cars just in case. I don't know if this happens to everyone, but whenever I have my holidays, I am drowning in boredom. So being a study-freak, I literally spent days looking at cars, their specs and price range. I did a whole research on cars. I did a pros and cons list. I was the typical nerd I am whenever I have an assignment. 

We eventually decided on a mediocre car. Now here's why I say I'm ungrateful. Every time I see another car that's better or the specs are waaay cooler than it, I hope I'll have it. I then assure myself, getting a car is better than having to walk all over campus. I can imagine all the impromptu McD drive-throughs that are gonna happen just because we can. 

I know more than enough that I should be grateful for the car I get and I am. Truly. Now I am at least. I secretly spend time scrolling through my phone for pictures of my future car. Yall see it sooner or later. 

HAPPINESS.

It will always be just another typical day. It was a day like any other. But the thing is, you get to enjoy the happiness. 

The last time I blogged, I kept talking about how i should move on. And literally, did nothing but kept talking about moving on. I finally did something about it. I eventually started to move on. 

So after watching this drama, I started to just accept the fact that, YES I do like someone who doesn't feel the same, but it wasn't gonna stop me. I just relished at the thought and the sight of him. Just liking him was enough for me. 

The more I felt that way, the more the feeling disappeared. I enjoyed just being with my friends. I spent my time studying. I smiled more. I laugh a lot more now. I just stopped caring what he thought and just cared about my life. On that day, people asked me if i was happy. I happily answered that i was genuinely happy. 

I figured I didn't have problems with any friends or family. I was satisfied with my studies and work load. The only that could bring me down was regarding him but that was something I, myself could change. And i eventually did.
Out of the blue, i realised I somewhat moved on. 

One of my friends told me that he didn't have the slightest feelings towards me and I didn't know why but i felt nothing. It didn't bothered me.

I was grateful that i get to wake up in the morning. I am grateful that I get to share my life with the best type of people imaginable. I had too much people caring for me. And I was simply blessed. 


I now and still answer people that I am genuinely happy. 

SOMETHING YOU NEVER HAD.

Yesterday night, i decided to watch this old movie. Its called 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 days'. I've watched the movie a couple times but this was the first time that i cried. 

There's a part in the movie where she said 'You can't lose something you never had'. 

Honestly, that made sense to me more than ever. 

Why am i this sad over a guy who wasn't even mine? Why does it bother me so much when he doesn't even like me?

So, when people ask me, i just say that i don't care anymore. Because there's this Islamic saying where we need to accept everything with an open heart. It's all apart of God's plan.

Who am I to question what His plan is just for the sake of my happiness. Who am I to be selfish for my own happiness. I accept the lesson i am receiving now because its something i need to learn on my own. 

When i tell my friends how i feel or anything, i don't want their sympathy. It's just me sharing my life with them. 

I know some worry. But I'll be fine. I hope. 

ACCEPTANCE.

" As she looks up to the skies after praying, she feels a sense of calm washing over her"

It's not just me but everyone, everywhere has dealt with stress. And sometimes the stress are coming from a specific person in their lives. For me, its been happening so much that i can't even dwell on how stressful it can be, trying to contemplate how his mind thinks sometimes. 

When having two different ways of thinking, you tend to disagree a lot. But by now, i think people already know this new thing called COMPROMISE. Its not even compromising when only one party is sacrificing something while the other just gains everything. 

Tolerating this behaviour has gotten me shouting and screaming a lot lately but my friends all understand how frustrating it is to me. Most people know i can be understanding and i do try to be more open on how people act and react towards certain issues. I admit i have a temper but its only when people really burden me with unnecessary issues.

I had no idea what to do. So as always i turn back to the basics. In Islam, we are taught the things to avoid being angry. And so far, I'm holding on to those teachings. 

I try to calm myself with reminding myself that Allah SWT is challenging me with this person in myself. And its been helping a bit. InshaAllah, it'll eventually help me towards acceptance. 

UPDATES. UPDATES.

Excuses, excuses. Thats all i can say. I know I said i'll post more. So heres me trying to live up to my own expectations. To be honest, I actually tried to during my exams but then it was just me avoiding the fact that i had to study and failed because i knew i had to focus this time around. 

You wanna know the updates? 

Its the second week of my so called semester break! And its the best. I spend more time with my parents (which i love doing...sometimes). 

I spend countless more time with my beautiful 3 cats because i know they can't talk or message me when i'm over there so to avoid from being forgotten, i annoy them more frequently. (now thats another post on its own, haha). 

And thankfully, i actually spend less and less time online. However, I do spend more time watching TV series. 

Thats about my current situation. Since i'm in my semester break, that means i already went through my final exams. Oh honey, lemme tell you something about those friggin' exams. I genuinely think I did my best and gave my all during those 4 weeks. I slept less, played less, ate 'sorta' less. And being me with a million and one problems (which aren't that important, but still messes with my head), i managed to ignore all of them and just focus on studying. I kept close contact with my parents throughout the examination period and I don't know, I think its a good one. Hopefully. 

Sekali....plot twist of the century...

urgh hopefully not. 

Speaking of which, please pray for my results, wherever you are. I really hope i make it this semester. I tried my hardest. I really did. 

Please... 

SPEAK UP!

The other day, there was this small issue with my classmates. It was something that was easy to handle but well, lemme tell you. 

There is 48 people in that class. And yet many kept quiet and stood by watching some of them act very childish. Ok sure, you may ask why i didn't do anything. When this happened, i was busy at home, enjoying my free time with my family. Who opens the class whatsapp group when you're at home that much. I personally don't. 

When i did had the time to read everything, i was pretty disappointed with everyone in the class. I thought that someone would actually say something about it. I know who is capable of saying something and those who aren't. And since no one said anything, i simply just took the easy way out. I just changed the topic and be as discretely angry as i could. 

I was particularly disappointed with this one guy. I pretty much look highly of him and with his extra-curiccular activities, i thought he would say something. It was something completely wrong and yet he just tweeted about it. I was so mad that i ignored him for a week ( & counting! ) If someone like him couldn't do something as simple as this, then whats left for us, the small people. 

It just sucked because I expected more from him. I hoped. And thats when you get disappointed, I guess. 

The other thing that I don't get is why my classmates still think theres a 'barrier' where people can't say anything freely. I mean, am i such a bad leader that people can't say what they want anymore. Am i such a bad person to deprive people of their capability of speaking their minds with confident? 

I never wanted a situation like this for my batch. 

I just wish they know they can speak up in class without feeling judged. I just wish they know what every they say, i'll support it or i'll try to understand it. 

AM I THE BAD GUY?

For the past few weeks, I've been having my midterm exams. All the exams are spread out quite evenly which sounds good and all but when you add in the assignments and presentations that come alongside all those stuffs in class, you'll understand when i say, i'm sleep deprived. 

To top it all off, I've been dealing with some 'friend' issues. 

Okay the issue thats been bothering me is that how people can easily make a judgement call based on one side of a story. 

In every story theres always two sides of the story. Both believing that they're right and believing that they're the victim in the situation. You will always perceive yourself as the one who is done wrong, never really the "bad guy". 

Its easier to blame others than except your faults, right?

Maybe you guys won't believe me but somehow my side of the story hasn't been a wide spread amongst my fellow friends because i chose not to let people know. But since then, people have been misjudging me and its getting annoying. 

So I admit I did tell a few people but it somehow spread and now most people know my side of the story. I can't speak for most of them but the ones that I told did have a change in perspective on how they see things about me and the issue in hand. 

Most were understanding and supportive of me. But of course, it seemed like they took sides. Everyday there would be whispers in class. Every small thing i did was interpreted in a new way and resulted in me tiptoeing to do anything in class. 

I couldn't make a weird face expression without people trying to assume things. I couldn't go to the toilet without people assuming things. OK. To be frank, yes I went out of the class because I couldn't take seeing them too close. 

What would you have me do? Simply explode then and there? For me, if i'm angry with a situation, i'd remove myself from that current situation and focus on calming myself down. Thats the patience I have. 

Its better to not let yourself having to endure the pain and fake like you're alright. Thus, I thought I did make a good call on that one. 

Other than that, I guess I just couldn't take the fake-ness of her anymore so there was a few faces that i made. Ok just admit it, if you found out someone was talking bad about you, would you really not get annoyed with that person?

And so, I've discovered a perfect revenge. 

I do absolutely nothing. If with me breathing bothers her, then I'll just breathe the heck out of it. I don't need to do much to annoy her because she's already annoyed with me. 

Trust me guys, I say this with complete faith. 

I. HAVE. NO. IDEA. WHY. SHE'S. MAD. AT. ME. 

and now, i simply don't care. 

So am I still the bad guy here?

For more details regarding this issue, you're welcome to ask me directly. 

LAUN-DRAG.

I hate, hate washing clothes using my hands. I am a firm believer of using the washing machine. 

I know what you're gonna be thinking, 'gosh ermi, you can save money' and such. But I just don't like doing it. I can do other things to while waiting for it to wash in the washing machine. I can save time. 

(bak kata pepatah, masa itu emas - bahasa jiwa bangsa) 

Since this semester, my current block is the furthest from my usual laundry spot so I have to find a day where I'm completely devoted to go there. Usually, I wait for someone to accompany me because its soo far and because I'm already used to having someone come and do the laundry with me. 

But recently, due to the piles of work and self responsibilities to my midterm exams and what not, i can't seem to find the time to go there. Also, it always rains when I go there, I might catch a cold. (translation: I'm just lazy)
I had to do my piles of laundry by hand. 

I was determined. Placed my phone in my pants with my earphones in my ears with the volume on blasts. I borrowed two buckets and the brush and what not. Then i spent like one hours doing it. 

Basically, my friends teased me throughout the process because they've never seen me doing my laundry by hand but you know, i just wanted the torture to be over.

Finally, i finished it all. And my sweet friends were so proud of me. (GRIN!)
I was happy with the outcome. My clothes smelt real good and its oddly satisfying. 

Conclusion / Moral of the story. 

Dear future husband, we better have a washing machine. I ain't gonna wash clothes by hand anymore. I don't need a dryer, just the washing machine. But if theres extra money, theres no wrong in helping out. 

MY SMALL PIECE OF JOY.

A few days ago, my batch did a little small gathering. Its like a "annual" thing. Nearly every semester, there will always be a gathering, depending on the budget and what not. Just a time where we could spend time outside of class and just enjoy everyones childish-ness. 

But then again, these are the times when theres tension because everyones stressed out with all the work. The planning. The preparing. The "everything-else-in between". All in all, everything worked out at the end. For some. 

I don't know why, but last week was really rough on me and till this day i'm still not my usual self. And so, I didn't join in a lot of the activities, I just stood on the sidelines. Even if I did join, it was because I was obligated to and set an example because I'm one of the "big people" of some sort. But I really wasn't in the mood to put on a smile all week.

In the end, I spent most of the time taking pictures and it was eye opening. I now understand why Baba likes to take pictures of us while we're not looking which in the end makes us have the most ugly-laughing faces. (You'll never get to see because its burnt into tiny small pixels of dusts! Muahaha)

When I was taking pictures, I got to see the genuine happiness in people's smiles, the genuine excitement in people's laughs, and most importantly, I felt like I was looking into someones personal moments and capturing it for their memories. I don't know but i did feel a slight joy. Maybe I should just sit on the sidelines more.

So heres a few of the pictures I took, also with pictures of me and my friends sharing a laugh. Most of them are girls, because I have the most beautiful classmates. (NO JOKE!) 

I hope everyone liked the pictures I took because I sure had fun taking them. 

THIS IS ALL AN ACT.

I have no idea if this ever happened to anyone. I hope not. But it surprisingly happened to me at the most weirdest moment of my life. 

It was a typical day like any other. Nothing special. I woke up, went to class and I thought that was it. I don't remember why exactly but we had a long break and everyone sprinted to the Kiosk to buy some food. Me, Nana and Dayah didn't buy anything much. We just checked the Kiosk and decided to go back into class. 

On our way, right in the middle of the building, there was a kitten sleeping under the benches. I went up to it and simply just wanted to pet it for a bit but the kitten eventually decided to lay near my foot. (It was adorable. I. CAN'T. BREATHE)

This made me basically knelt down and play with the kitten. The kitten rolled over and was being extra cute. It reminded me of my beautiful cats at home. How they would do the exact same thing making me miss them so much. 

I was so engrossed with the kitten, that i didn't notice Nana and Dayah already reaching class. I told them to go ahead because I was happy with the kitten.

" I won't be long. I promise ", I said. 

" Its okay, we'll wait ", Dayah ensured.

While I was fixated by the cuteness of the kitten, some passerby noticed me on the floor with the kitten. 

" Are you acting? Is this all fake? ", he said. 

I was stunned. Being nice to a kitten is considered acting fake. 

" Haha, no. I have 3 cats at home. I just miss them ", I said hiding my reaction. 

Honestly, I thought he didn't mean it at first. But why would that be the first thing he would say when he saw someone play with a cat? 

Do i literally have to write on my forehead, I'm a genuine cat lover. 

Is it so weird that I actually do show passion or empathy. 

Having a strong personality, doesn't mean I'm don't get hurt with words once in a while.

Whats funny is, if it was any other girl in our class, he wouldn't have said that. He would have praised her. And I have no idea why I'm perceived as the bad guy.

To be frank, it made me rethink about the other guys in my class. How they really think of me. 

Is it all just an act too? 

EVERYTHING BREAKS.

"You're stronger than you think but you sometimes need to break too", she told me while giving me assurance. 

I had a very emotional month. I know I rarely blogged while I was in college. Well I'm sorry. My class schedule this semester is jam packed and I need my sleep. The rest of the time I spend studying or trying to achieve sanity with my friends. 

So heres a sort of simple update of whats been going on. 

I had a severe homesick breakdown. I literally cried to my parents that i wanted to go home but i couldn't because i had obligations. The only natural thing they asked was if there was something wrong. Everything was wrong and I wanted to run away from it all. I wanted to spend time not thinking about college & everything that comes with it. Just a short escape was fine. 

Then, I was pissed because of some people's particular attitude where they talk a big game but when they needed to perform, they freaking depended on other people. OK. I don't mind depending on me sometimes but come one bruh, its just a simple task yet you still ask me to do it. And at the end of the day, you get the credit whilst I'm here like... wtv dude. 

Not even done being pissed with the dude, comes a girl who isn't letting go of old grudges. Okay look, if people act civil, everything would be okay. But to cry in the middle of class just because of something so small, well I don't even know how to react. It made me think if i was really a bad person. What did I do to make someone that traumatised. 

Lastly, I deleted (nearly) all my memories with Patrick. Now whenever I see him, it doesn't bother me. I even dared myself if i see him and a good opportunity, i'll just say Hi since it didn't matter much. 

Ok before you guys think it was damn quick for me to move on. Bare in mind that I liked this guy a year ago. He has been a jerk for quite sometime now and I haven't talked to him in ages. But every time I do, we're either fighting or I don't know how to explain it. I'm not also saying I've completely forgotten my feelings for him, its just replaced by something else. 

Done with the update. 

Now whats the relation with the first two sentences? Throughout all this, all i had were my friends. My friends who always made sure I was okay. Who made sure I was smiling through it all. Who made sure, if i was crying, they'd make sure I had enough tissues. They held an important role in my sanity these past few weeks. I am forever grateful.

SHE'LL BE OKAY.

"You still care, don't you?"

So here's a little backstory. Remember when I said I wasn't looking forward to meet a little special someone? Well I met that person on the first day of class here. To be frank, I didn't think I wanted to blog about this person but 'push comes to shove'. 

For some absurd reason, this particular person thinks that i have too much time thinking about him when it was actually just me trying to know how he was - through my friends of course. All in all, I don't want him to be full of himself. 

But here i am, finally writing about Patrick (not his actual name). I will spare you all the juicy details, like how we met and how we got close etc. I am here to tell you whats currently happening.

As you may know or assume, we're not technically close friends anymore. We don't even talk to each other. I take props for that one. Some way some how, he somewhat lied to me and I told him not to talk to me anymore. To be fair, I gave him a million warning on how I don't like to be lied to. So, he saw that coming from a mile away ok!

And such, we stopped talking to each other but he recently registered into the same college as i do right now but he's in a completely different course. THANK GOD! Technically speaking, the chances of meeting his were quite slim so I thought I could survive. 

Life has a different plan. Life wanted me to see him on the very first day of class. It was only me that saw him. He didn't see me. I was facing the other way, but my friends were the one who told me if the coasts was clear or not. For some reason, he took his time looking on the freaking layout of the building which made me uncomfortable so, I simply stood up and just walked out of the building. Supposedly I'd rather be under the hot sun than be in the same 'area' as him.

Then, you know us girls which our indecisiveness. I wanted to see him again. The first time I saw him, it was because I asked God to show me him just to let me know that he's real. Proof that it was not a dream. Because I kept hearing people saying they see him and I didn't so I felt as if he wasn't real. So I asked God, He granted me this wish. Alhamdulilah.

Later, I asked God if I could see him again because I was having a shitty week and I wanted to see him. Again, God delivered. I saw him. A sudden feeling as if my heart dropped. I couldn't breathe properly. My knees were wobbly. I tried to stand straight and finally got a grip of myself. 

It was definitely something i've never felt before. And I don't plan on making someone have that much of a control over me again. 

I spent the entire year to prepare myself for this encounter but it was definitely different than what I expected. After all this time, he still makes me feel so weak. 

I would be lying if I said I don't like him. I think I do. I'm not even sure what I feel towards him. But I do care about him. More than other people. But the struggle of moving on is real. Its nearly a year after meeting him and maybe 6 months after cutting ties. 

For such a short period of time, its still so complicated. 

You know what sucks more? He doesn't even care. So why should I? (Thats the only thing that keeps me going)

Although I know it will destroy me, I hope i get to see him walking with her or eating with her or anything related to her. In order that I know its time for me to actually snap some sense into myself and move on. 

Maybe I'll finally delete our conversations. Other than spending hours just scrolling through our conversations. The good and the bad. Lol.

Now I sound pathetic. 

I just wanted to document this because I guess today was kinda a shitty day and I've still haven't move on. I want to look back and laugh at myself for being so naive and inshaAllah be able to be happy without him in my life. Or even better, making him one of a life lesson for future endeavours.

STUPID WORLDY MATTERS.

Its only the second day and like i expected, I had to face all the backlash from last semesters storm of problems. I was ready for it but I'm pretty exhausted. From only day TWO! I have the most fun with my friends. But sometimes my head is somewhere else. Knowing and thinking about what I need to be doing and thinking about what I have to do next. And next. And next. Never stop writing down mental lists to settle a lot of things without delay. Such as. 

Obligations. Adding more obligations because I want to be prepared and experienced later in life. Its something I'm sure with some chill pills and support from my friends, I'll be good eventually. I guess I'm trying to put myself out there in society clubs wise. I want to expand my contact lists in a way. I love my group of friends but sometimes I think we're too consumed with each other that we forget we're actually living in a BIG community. We have to try to get to know some of them. Thus, everyone is sooo active this semester which brings me joy since everyone has their part to do.

Education. Something that i genuinely love doing when I'm in college. Don't call me a nerd or anything but sometimes just reading and just giving my full focus on my studies, give me a sense of calmness. I don't know why. Its just a little joy I get. But the great satisfaction of finishing and understanding the lessons we learnt, well that is indescribable.

Then it just hit me. Why the heck am I so distracted with all these small matters? It had such a huge impact on me but why? Its not like something that will last forever. Why are we so obligated to all these stupid distractions?

I guess we need to know when to stop and take a breather by remembering God. The real reason why we do things. We have to have a firm stand towards the extent of our sacrifices for all these worldly stuffs. 

We naturally give more than we're intended too. So back up a little, lets take a second to be thankful for what you have now. Just take a breather once in a while. 

Don't make it the main thing in your life. Because all of this is temporary. Even your biggest problems. 

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY, MALAYSIA .

As you all may know, Malaysia's Independence Day is today! MERDEKA! 

Through out my childhood, we were reminded and taught about how we have become a united country and achieved independence. It was interesting and all but I studied it because it was in the syllabus and I had to score an A. 

To listen to the stories and find out things about our country. The soldiers. The people who sacrificed for the sake of our country. It was inspirational.

But I wasted it on the thought that I only needed to learn this for the exams.

My favourite thing about the Independence Day is ultimately the unity we share as fellow citizens of Malaysia. 

So every year when there would always held celebrations for Independence Day, which was prior for every school. They would make the student stand up and sing to all the songs related to the Independence Day. Everyone would sing along and wave the Jalur Gemilang. 

Usually, in between the songs, I would stop singing and enjoy the sound of everyone singing. And just look around. 

Everyone would be smiling and enjoying themselves. 

You can seriously hear nothing but the excitement in everyones voice. And everyone was in one voice. United. 

For that five seconds, you forget about all the problems that was happening around the world ( that is me exaggerating ) but you know what I mean. The whole world becomes silent and you just enjoyed the moment. 

Those little moments when you stop and see the happiness around you. Those are the ones worth fighting for. The people you share it with, they are the ones worth fighting for. 

I'm not literally saying you should go join the army ( but it wouldn't be wrong though.) I'm saying that you should fight for making sure harmony and peace maintains in the world where you live in. 

I will always be proud to be a Malaysian. Wherever I am. I'm always an Anak Jati Malaysia! 

THE 'SLIGHT' APPROVAL.

Basically, today I went out with one of my friend. The outing had two purposes. One was, to let me spend so much on sushi, (I'm a sushi junky for the record!) and also, I wanted to meet her current boyfriend.

She was my classmate but then she decided to study in Egypt to fulfil her dream to be a doctor. We kind of lost contact after she left but thank god for Instagram, we still get to see each others lives miles away. 

About meeting the boyfriend. I have this weird need since I was little, which was to always meet & get to know " The Boyfriend " of all my close friends because i'm super protective. And I'd like to actually want to know whether I should support or just rat him out. 

I met him. He was alright. For those who know me (outside of my house), they know how I am most of the time. I'm a total hyperactive, shameless girl. I literally can be comfortable with people I haven't even met and just chill. 

(I don't know if thats a good thing though. Whoops!) 

But for him to actually be cool with me questioning him and to deal with my constant nagging on why "Girls are better than Boys", he gets a slight approval. 

(Lol, i can't totally let him off the hook. I just met the guy.) 

So I hope he does take care of my dear friend over there and to always put whats right before anything else. 

BYE BYE SWEET VACATION.

I will be registering to my second semester soon and I'm having mixed feelings about this. I'm freaking out! (silently. nobody knows except you guys ofc!) 

I'm already planning on what to bring among my roommates. Like boiler or ironing board & Ridsect ! I honestly had a minor anxiety attack about going back.

Ok, so i'm excited for the next semester. New subjects & new things to learn. (because i'm bored at home not doing anything...) 

AND, I get to see my friends. Having friends who live all over the country is somewhat hard to "meet up", but I guess we see each other too much at university anyways, 3 months maybe enough to make me miss them. (yall know i miss you, i tell you on most days ok) 

But some of my fears are, last semesters aftermath. How to handle some problems everyone seemed to forget or ignored the past holiday? I mean, I can ignore it and move on but it just doesn't seem right. I also can't acknowledge it so much because everyone already moved on and ignored it. So honestly I don't know. (blergh!) 

I am thankful that some friends are very supportive! 

I can't wait to meet some of my friends who just registered! Although I know its not like I get to spend a lot of time with them because other than your classmates, its hard to have people with the same timetable as you. So eventually, I'm stuck with my classmates. (They're not so bad.) 

Although, I'm not looking forward to having the possibility to meet this specific person. But I won't go walking around alone anytime soon, so maybe I'll be safe then to face the problem right? 

Lastly, I can't wait to what stupid problems that will occur THIS semester. I just have this gut feeling that i'll have fun but all this fun always comes with a price.

Sometimes you just gotta face the music, I guess.
(The ones you actually HAVE to face. Others, you can just run the other way screaming!)