THAT SMILE. ALWAYS THAT SMILE.

I wrote this a long time ago. But i decided to post this alongside We Don't Talk Anymore because I didn't know when else i'll be brave enough to share this. 

I'll always melt when I see that smile. That half smile he makes when he looks at me. That short gaze we give each other when we smile at each other. Always that smile. 

Pretty much annoyed at how a single smile can make me say 'yes' to anything. Its that smile that makes me want to smile along with him. Why is that stupid smile my kryptonite? 

Been waiting long enough to actually write about this guy crush i have towards someone. Lets be honest here, who here doesn't know who he is, well thats just plain weird. Its Song Joongki. Duhhhh. 

haha, just kidding. He's my first husband. My second would be BTS. But thats another story. 

No, the guy i'm talking about is my dear friend, (insert cartoon name). I don't have a code name for him. Didn't bother to make one since everyone could see how transparent I was when I started developing a crush on him. But for now, lets just call him, Buddy. 

Ok, so whats the point of this post? Usually I have either an advice or a thought or just me babbling about me. I don't know why i wanted to blog about him. 

Sure, lets say this is a dedication post towards Buddy.

Ssup Buddy! (haha, i can never imagine myself being dead serious while talking to him so excuse me for now being a romantic in this one) 

I can tell you when I actually noticed you. It was the first day of class. I don't know really who you were on the phone with, but you were looking towards the doorway while talking on the phone and I literally stopped. From the side, you looked familiar and it gave me a heart attack, changed into Joyah-mode. I promise you, you can ask my friends. That day, I already started checking you out. wink wink. haha. 
Ok you can chill now. Its not like I stalked you or anything. I just wanted to find out who the heck were you and why do you look so much like Patrick. (from the sides.)

Then, I dunno dude. You happened to be on the same bus as me and well, our 'leader' was texting me literally everything about you. From where you live to how many brothers and sisters you had. I have no idea why. Ask him. But its a good thing (I think). 

I know it was kinda obvious that I didn't talk to you as much as i did the other boys. I guess I knew you weren't the type to mess around with? Probably. Well you weren't in the first semester. You were quite uptight to be honest. But you were nice to Nana and your group mates, so I guess you were cool because of that. 

Now is the juicy part. When did I start developing "feelings". 
I can describe it but I have no idea if you remember this. 

It was in one of our classes. There weren't ANY guys except for you. You sat in front of the class with your laptop preparing for you presentation. I already did mine days before so I just went for moral support for our other classmates. But then, one of our classmates started crying, so I went to the front and tried to comfort her. So I sat a few chairs away from you. I just ended up sitting there for a while. I don't really remember how we started talking, but we did. Then, Dinie came and sat right next to you. To be honest, I was kinda frustrated. But then again, who dared to steal away her "MAN". (well, that was what everyone else was thinking). We just ended up talking and including her into the conversation. Then, we started talking about your sister aka your mystery girlfriend. But i already knew she was your sister so we were both laughing at the fact that people thought she was your girlfriend. I don't know if this is true or not but from my point of view, you looked right at me and smiled. We didn't say anything. We just smiled at each other. It lasted quite long but I wasn't sure because we were laughing too. But thats when I started to like you. That smile.

NO! I do not only like him because of JUST that smile. 

It was nice to talk to someone who gets my jokes, who is kinda funny lah and actually has the time to explain to me, their thoughts and opinions. Even when I have no idea, but you explain for A to Z. You share a lot of info about your decisions and life choices with me. To me, that was special. You literally went step by step on how you ended up with a decision. It was fascinating. Genuinely, you had more optimistic thoughts than I have, even on your roughest days. Still manage to make one of your "kinda" funny jokes. 

I know this will never reach you. And God hope it doesn't. 

But I hope you know that I get that you have bad days and you use sports and music to cheer yourself up somehow, I do hope that you can share your troubles with me. We never really shared our struggles or problems with each other and I hope we do. Soon. For the time being, when I know you are having a tough time, please just layan my weird memes that I send. I hope you smile at them and its lightens you up a little bit. I'm not really good at this. 

So yeah, see you in the funny papers! 

WE DON'T TALK ANYMORE.

Count the days that are good and bad so that you'll appreciate each one. 

Its nearly 3am when i'm writing this because i can't seem to fall asleep just yet. Today was another of those days where i know i just feel shitty. I don't know if its just me, but I usually just give into feeling shitty and just spend the day wallowing in sorrow. 

Not today. Today, i tried my very best to not let it eat me alive. I rested and spent the night helping out friends. I'd rather spend my time doing anything else than wallow in self pity. I didn't want to start thinking about him and so i didn't.

I'm clearly not the type of girl who keeps it all inside as you know i write most of my feelings in this blog or i consult my best friends. But for this story, i kept it a secret from most until i reached a point where i just didn't bother. No one even believed me if i denied it so i just played along. 

Maybe i could clearly say it amongst the girls but whenever it came to talking to him, i couldn't be blunt. I couldn't just ask whatever i wanted to ask. I couldn't talk about what I wanted to talk to him about. Why you ask? 

I was terrified of losing a friend like him...

It was clearly only one sided. The feelings i mean. 

I don't know. We don't talk anymore anyways. We ignore each other because there wasn't and isn't any need to talk to each other. We just learnt to live with not talking to each other anymore.

I guess he's not that affected but knowing the thing that scared me the most, is happening. Well that left me feel shitty.

In life there are choices that we make. Yes, i chose to be friends with him. I chose to start to be close with him. However, i didn't choose to have feelings for him. It happened unexpectedly. I did choose to not tell him at first because i didn't want to lose a friend. 

That choice was changed because somehow, we both knew if i said it or if i didn't, we were bound to part ways. Why deny fate right? Haha. 

Yesterday was the 200th day. I promised myself that i wouldn't talk about him until its been a year. But then again, I'm the one broken. 

This is my way to get fixed. 

ACCEPTANCE.

" As she looks up to the skies after praying, she feels a sense of calm washing over her"

It's not just me but everyone, everywhere has dealt with stress. And sometimes the stress are coming from a specific person in their lives. For me, its been happening so much that i can't even dwell on how stressful it can be, trying to contemplate how his mind thinks sometimes. 

When having two different ways of thinking, you tend to disagree a lot. But by now, i think people already know this new thing called COMPROMISE. Its not even compromising when only one party is sacrificing something while the other just gains everything. 

Tolerating this behaviour has gotten me shouting and screaming a lot lately but my friends all understand how frustrating it is to me. Most people know i can be understanding and i do try to be more open on how people act and react towards certain issues. I admit i have a temper but its only when people really burden me with unnecessary issues.

I had no idea what to do. So as always i turn back to the basics. In Islam, we are taught the things to avoid being angry. And so far, I'm holding on to those teachings. 

I try to calm myself with reminding myself that Allah SWT is challenging me with this person in myself. And its been helping a bit. InshaAllah, it'll eventually help me towards acceptance.