SHE'LL BE OKAY.

"You still care, don't you?"

So here's a little backstory. Remember when I said I wasn't looking forward to meet a little special someone? Well I met that person on the first day of class here. To be frank, I didn't think I wanted to blog about this person but 'push comes to shove'. 

For some absurd reason, this particular person thinks that i have too much time thinking about him when it was actually just me trying to know how he was - through my friends of course. All in all, I don't want him to be full of himself. 

But here i am, finally writing about Patrick (not his actual name). I will spare you all the juicy details, like how we met and how we got close etc. I am here to tell you whats currently happening.

As you may know or assume, we're not technically close friends anymore. We don't even talk to each other. I take props for that one. Some way some how, he somewhat lied to me and I told him not to talk to me anymore. To be fair, I gave him a million warning on how I don't like to be lied to. So, he saw that coming from a mile away ok!

And such, we stopped talking to each other but he recently registered into the same college as i do right now but he's in a completely different course. THANK GOD! Technically speaking, the chances of meeting his were quite slim so I thought I could survive. 

Life has a different plan. Life wanted me to see him on the very first day of class. It was only me that saw him. He didn't see me. I was facing the other way, but my friends were the one who told me if the coasts was clear or not. For some reason, he took his time looking on the freaking layout of the building which made me uncomfortable so, I simply stood up and just walked out of the building. Supposedly I'd rather be under the hot sun than be in the same 'area' as him.

Then, you know us girls which our indecisiveness. I wanted to see him again. The first time I saw him, it was because I asked God to show me him just to let me know that he's real. Proof that it was not a dream. Because I kept hearing people saying they see him and I didn't so I felt as if he wasn't real. So I asked God, He granted me this wish. Alhamdulilah.

Later, I asked God if I could see him again because I was having a shitty week and I wanted to see him. Again, God delivered. I saw him. A sudden feeling as if my heart dropped. I couldn't breathe properly. My knees were wobbly. I tried to stand straight and finally got a grip of myself. 

It was definitely something i've never felt before. And I don't plan on making someone have that much of a control over me again. 

I spent the entire year to prepare myself for this encounter but it was definitely different than what I expected. After all this time, he still makes me feel so weak. 

I would be lying if I said I don't like him. I think I do. I'm not even sure what I feel towards him. But I do care about him. More than other people. But the struggle of moving on is real. Its nearly a year after meeting him and maybe 6 months after cutting ties. 

For such a short period of time, its still so complicated. 

You know what sucks more? He doesn't even care. So why should I? (Thats the only thing that keeps me going)

Although I know it will destroy me, I hope i get to see him walking with her or eating with her or anything related to her. In order that I know its time for me to actually snap some sense into myself and move on. 

Maybe I'll finally delete our conversations. Other than spending hours just scrolling through our conversations. The good and the bad. Lol.

Now I sound pathetic. 

I just wanted to document this because I guess today was kinda a shitty day and I've still haven't move on. I want to look back and laugh at myself for being so naive and inshaAllah be able to be happy without him in my life. Or even better, making him one of a life lesson for future endeavours.

ROCK YOU!

So in class the other day, its was about the time to choose the class representative. And as usual, everyone just laid back and waited for someone to step up. It usually takes 5 minutes before the lecturer just gives up and chooses a random person. But tell me if i'm wrong though.

Haven't it crossed your mind that you would like to try and take on that responsibility but you're to scared about what people would say. What people would do. Support you or just make your life a living hell. 

I have. I hope i'm not the only one.

Its what you do about that thought, matters. I guess i grew out of the awkward shy phase after a while. I started to put myself out there but i made sure that when i do, i'd make it worth my time. Whats the point  of putting yourself out there but then all you do is still depend on other people and just sit back and relax. 

Rock the independent mode for sure! No one will judge when they're busy asking how you have that much time to rock all the things you do. 

If you get asked to be something, just accept it and rock it! Make it something people will remember you by and acknowledge your good qualities. Because you yourself knows how much more better you can be, but you just didn't have the chance. 

Take this chance and be better. Grow yourself as a person. Join in more experiences. Don't be secluded to you yourself and friends. Expand the horizon because the world isn't getting any smaller. 

It'll be hard at first but then trust me, it'll just bring out the YOU that only few see, for others to admire. Believe in yourself while others don't because what you think is the only one that matters.

STUPID WORLDY MATTERS.

Its only the second day and like i expected, I had to face all the backlash from last semesters storm of problems. I was ready for it but I'm pretty exhausted. From only day TWO! I have the most fun with my friends. But sometimes my head is somewhere else. Knowing and thinking about what I need to be doing and thinking about what I have to do next. And next. And next. Never stop writing down mental lists to settle a lot of things without delay. Such as. 

Obligations. Adding more obligations because I want to be prepared and experienced later in life. Its something I'm sure with some chill pills and support from my friends, I'll be good eventually. I guess I'm trying to put myself out there in society clubs wise. I want to expand my contact lists in a way. I love my group of friends but sometimes I think we're too consumed with each other that we forget we're actually living in a BIG community. We have to try to get to know some of them. Thus, everyone is sooo active this semester which brings me joy since everyone has their part to do.

Education. Something that i genuinely love doing when I'm in college. Don't call me a nerd or anything but sometimes just reading and just giving my full focus on my studies, give me a sense of calmness. I don't know why. Its just a little joy I get. But the great satisfaction of finishing and understanding the lessons we learnt, well that is indescribable.

Then it just hit me. Why the heck am I so distracted with all these small matters? It had such a huge impact on me but why? Its not like something that will last forever. Why are we so obligated to all these stupid distractions?

I guess we need to know when to stop and take a breather by remembering God. The real reason why we do things. We have to have a firm stand towards the extent of our sacrifices for all these worldly stuffs. 

We naturally give more than we're intended too. So back up a little, lets take a second to be thankful for what you have now. Just take a breather once in a while. 

Don't make it the main thing in your life. Because all of this is temporary. Even your biggest problems. 

NOT BUILT FOR THIS.

( Listen to ' Chasing The Sky - Empire Cast ' while reading ... )



Recently, I freaked out about going back to college. I literally texted some people about how i felt. And then I went on an Instagram story rant about how i wasn't ready. 

Mama of course questioned it during dinner. Then, I started crying. I wasn't scared about the lessons or lecturers or anything. I was scared about what problems that'll come this semester over there. What do I have to overcome this time? 

Being home, although there are problems but I'm still home. The safest place I'll ever be. Where my parents look after me, from afar. They like to be "cool" parents. At the very least, I know they'll be there for me. 

But being far from home. I don't want to bother them with stupid problems from college. Every time I call home, I would just love listening how things are at home. Remembering that i'll be home soon is calming. 

I guess last semester took a big toll on me. Just remembering all the things that I had to face. With a straight face. Because I could NEVER seem weak. Thats just not me. But you'll see how i truly feel on my Twitter. Sometimes. 

Sometimes, I'm just to lazy to even deal with the problem because I'm just too hurt. You know the quote when you hear, she puts on a brave face but cries herself to sleep. 

That was me, half way through semester one. 

I'm not saying that I had it tough last year. But it took a big chunk of my happiness. And I don't see how I could deal with something like that again. 
- I mean, yeah i'll deal with it. I won't give up. But sometimes, I just wish someone would just fight my battles for me. 

I don't need a shoulder to cry on. I have enough friends to form an army. All I want is to not even face it. I just, for once, want a boring semester. I just want a year where people don't betray me. Don't stab me in the back. Don't lie to me. People just being honest to me. 

All I want is to not be disappointed by people, whom I've trusted.

(DING! DING! DING! Yes, I do have trust issues)

No. Not the normal type where its hard to trust people. I just nearly trust the wrong type of people. Nearly all the time.

I'm just not built for this. 

CATS CARE.

Since I could remember I have always wanted a pet cat. I loved loved cats. I have no idea why. I used to blame my dad because his family was always the one with the cats.

But my mum didn't want a cat at all when I was small. She said they were a hassle. And I was somehow allergic. Plus I had to convince my sister to agree about keeping a cat. 

My sister is one strong minded person. Its literally no use to debate with her unless ... what am i kidding, you'll lose. So this was a problem because my sister was terrified by cats. (Uh-oh!)

She used to cry whenever we went to our uncle's house which had loads of cats. Naturally, as a supportive sister that I am, all i did was bully her about it. 
(And I still don't get why we used to fight, hehe) 

She eventually agreed to have a cat with a condition that it must be a kitten. She doesn't want a cat thats already big and scary. So, YES! I got the green light. 

But then, I eventually got into boarding school and all hopes of getting a cat was down the drain because my mum said the cat must be my responsibility. 

Until recently, my mum fell in love with one of her friends cat. It was big and lazy. Smells nice. As so she says. So last year for her birthday, we decided to get her a cat. (With her approval of course!) 

We spent the whole day checking out all pet shops near our neighbourhood. It was the BEST DAY! I spent the whole day with cats. But it all came to an end because it was too expensive and I guess we weren't even ready yet to have a cat. We literally didn't have a cage or anything.

I was bummed.

That night my parents said I should just search for cats online. People selling cats online with cheaper price. And I did! I chatted with the person for a while but i had to go back to college. 

On the next weekend, my parents decided to visit the place the sold the cat. They fell in love with TWO kittens. Supposedly, one was too hyper and the other one was chill. My sister liked the chill one. Thus, they bought both! 

They could take the cats the next day and I was super excited. My mum being the sweetest, picked me up from college and brought me along to meet the cats. While at home, my dad was fixing up they're cage. Everyone was excited to invite the cats home.

This is Jack. He used to be named Angel. We thought  he was female. 

You might be wondering where the other kitten is because I said two right? Well, she didn't live long. Just one week with us and she died. It was heartbreaking. Its still sad to see old videos of her. Her name was Rose. 

Jack & Rose - got it from Titanic (1997). 

When I started my degree, my mum thought that Jack needed a friend for him to play with and so, instead of buying just one, she bought another two kittens. 

Amber & Peanut

They're both male by the way. People just keep telling us  the wrong sex so we eventually never changed their names. Yes, Amber is still Amber.

They've now grown so big and I love spending time with them. Its always hard for me to not be able to see them everyday in college. But my parents help out by sending me videos and pictures of them. 

Jack in the car on our way home. 

My whole family treats like all three cats are my children. And I do too. I care for them so much. I can never see them hurt or else I would be balling my eyes out. I know dramatic. But I wasn't joking about my love for cats. 

I don't expect everyone to love cats as much as I do but if you see a stray cat, don't kick them if they're disturbing you. Just have one of your friends that aren't afraid to pick them up and move them somewhere. (Don't forget to wash your hands after). Be respectful of God's creatures.

They can't communicate the same way we do but if you know that they wanted your food, maybe you can share whats left from your meal. You're going to throw it away nonetheless. 

They're not asking for much. They can't find food on they're own. They're starving and they're asking for your leftovers. Nothing much. 

Don't be stingy. They're God's creations too.