I'M NOT A LIAR.

Hey guys, i know its been forever since i last blogged and these past few posts were more related to UIA stuffs and it was way far from what i usually write. So here i am with my life update. So sit back, its a long one. 

A while back when i was finally happy with life, (like all problems would appear) I was brought to the information where a certain someone has been spreading false rumours about me. Everything but one thing was already expected. I knew she would do such things but there was one thing that i didn't know she was capable of. 

A little back track here, when i was starting of college, foundation to be exact, at that age my parents weren't really stressing me out about my academic, maybe they already believed that they've taught me well enough. And to be honest, it was true. I was pressuring myself on my own to succeed because it was something i wanted to do. ME. My choice. So i would have these episodes of blacking out when i was stressed out. It would happen once a year. Usually when i'm super stressed and when i decided to not think about and move on.

I guessed when you're strained so much and you decide to let go instantly, it doesn't work well with your body. so everything shuts down. So on my second episode, during one of my philosophy classes, apparently she's been telling people i was just doing it to get attention. If only that was true. Having such episodes isn't something i want. I would have to spend days taking rests and i have to take blood tests and so on. Being sick isn't something someone wants. And for everyone to know that i'm weak. Thats far from what i want. Truly. 

So let me get the record straight for all my readers that NO, i didn't and have never faked blacking out. You can check the hospital records if you want. But you won't be seeing me have those episodes anymore, hopefully. because i promised my friend Iffah that i wouldn't do that to her again. Twice is enough. Haha. Hopefully i get through this year without blacking out. But just imagine. ( i'll keep you updated ) 

Okay back to the story, so yeah she spread false rumours. Not just about that but about other things to. And you could imagine how i felt, furious, betrayed, sad even. But it wasn't at her really, it was at the people who could've possibly trusted all her lies. All the people who were close to me that believed her nonsense. 

Like i've said multiple times, i have trust issues. And once you lie to me, i would doubt everything you do. I'm sorry but its just how i think and operate. I'm not the type of girl that forgets really. Its not that i don't give second chances but once you break my trust, i'll forgive you its just i can't forget. You can say that i'll hold it against you really. But i'll always want you in my life. 

Now as you can see, i'm talking as if i'm objecting this to someone and its true. I am. I'm saying this to one of my close friend, whom i miss so much. I want to tell him everything that i've been going through but i can't. I just doubt everything he does because supposedly he's been doing things out of the sincerity of his heart for the greater good.

My friends just don't understand that he hurt me. All they see is that i should forgive him and let him back into my life. But letting someone who lies to you into your life isn't something i want really. who does? i'm a firm believer of honesty. Even if its the ugly truth. I don't care. Better give me that than me hearing from someone else or later on. Now look, i can't even trust the one person i trust most with my secrets and feelings. 

Being lied to throughout my life, makes me the one person who would like to surround myself with honest people. I can catch a lie so easily now. Thats how common people lie to me. But thats just the first few weeks i left you.

I took a day away to myself to find a bit of me again. I've been walking on eggshells because people are making me feel things that i don't want to feel. I have to put on a image of how people should see me. Not the broken me. And it was tiring so i ran away for a day. 

It was nice, i drank coffee alone. I ate sushi alone. I cried alone infront of my school. 

To feel that broken, you guys really can't ask me to be okay really. It wasn't right. But it was better than having to tell people how i really felt. Because when you say it out loud, you just know how broken you are. How hurt it was for you. It wasn't something i wanted to admit. 

I'm pretty messed up. 

But i guess considering everything, I guess I always will be. The circumstances have made me messed up. 

People may say i'm not "lady-like" or like any other girls. But why should i hide that, people are lying to themselves if they really think they're being their true selves infront of everyone they know. I don't care really if i'm not what others think i should be. As long i'm not lying to myself, i know that atleast a person out there isn't lying. 

Haha sounds cliche' like the type you hear at the end of a movie but think about it, being surrounded by liars, you take it up to yourself to be true to yourself and be the honest person you want others to be, right? 

Well i personally agree so. But hey, thats just me :)