I'M NOT A LIAR.

Hey guys, i know its been forever since i last blogged and these past few posts were more related to UIA stuffs and it was way far from what i usually write. So here i am with my life update. So sit back, its a long one. 

A while back when i was finally happy with life, (like all problems would appear) I was brought to the information where a certain someone has been spreading false rumours about me. Everything but one thing was already expected. I knew she would do such things but there was one thing that i didn't know she was capable of. 

A little back track here, when i was starting of college, foundation to be exact, at that age my parents weren't really stressing me out about my academic, maybe they already believed that they've taught me well enough. And to be honest, it was true. I was pressuring myself on my own to succeed because it was something i wanted to do. ME. My choice. So i would have these episodes of blacking out when i was stressed out. It would happen once a year. Usually when i'm super stressed and when i decided to not think about and move on.

I guessed when you're strained so much and you decide to let go instantly, it doesn't work well with your body. so everything shuts down. So on my second episode, during one of my philosophy classes, apparently she's been telling people i was just doing it to get attention. If only that was true. Having such episodes isn't something i want. I would have to spend days taking rests and i have to take blood tests and so on. Being sick isn't something someone wants. And for everyone to know that i'm weak. Thats far from what i want. Truly. 

So let me get the record straight for all my readers that NO, i didn't and have never faked blacking out. You can check the hospital records if you want. But you won't be seeing me have those episodes anymore, hopefully. because i promised my friend Iffah that i wouldn't do that to her again. Twice is enough. Haha. Hopefully i get through this year without blacking out. But just imagine. ( i'll keep you updated ) 

Okay back to the story, so yeah she spread false rumours. Not just about that but about other things to. And you could imagine how i felt, furious, betrayed, sad even. But it wasn't at her really, it was at the people who could've possibly trusted all her lies. All the people who were close to me that believed her nonsense. 

Like i've said multiple times, i have trust issues. And once you lie to me, i would doubt everything you do. I'm sorry but its just how i think and operate. I'm not the type of girl that forgets really. Its not that i don't give second chances but once you break my trust, i'll forgive you its just i can't forget. You can say that i'll hold it against you really. But i'll always want you in my life. 

Now as you can see, i'm talking as if i'm objecting this to someone and its true. I am. I'm saying this to one of my close friend, whom i miss so much. I want to tell him everything that i've been going through but i can't. I just doubt everything he does because supposedly he's been doing things out of the sincerity of his heart for the greater good.

My friends just don't understand that he hurt me. All they see is that i should forgive him and let him back into my life. But letting someone who lies to you into your life isn't something i want really. who does? i'm a firm believer of honesty. Even if its the ugly truth. I don't care. Better give me that than me hearing from someone else or later on. Now look, i can't even trust the one person i trust most with my secrets and feelings. 

Being lied to throughout my life, makes me the one person who would like to surround myself with honest people. I can catch a lie so easily now. Thats how common people lie to me. But thats just the first few weeks i left you.

I took a day away to myself to find a bit of me again. I've been walking on eggshells because people are making me feel things that i don't want to feel. I have to put on a image of how people should see me. Not the broken me. And it was tiring so i ran away for a day. 

It was nice, i drank coffee alone. I ate sushi alone. I cried alone infront of my school. 

To feel that broken, you guys really can't ask me to be okay really. It wasn't right. But it was better than having to tell people how i really felt. Because when you say it out loud, you just know how broken you are. How hurt it was for you. It wasn't something i wanted to admit. 

I'm pretty messed up. 

But i guess considering everything, I guess I always will be. The circumstances have made me messed up. 

People may say i'm not "lady-like" or like any other girls. But why should i hide that, people are lying to themselves if they really think they're being their true selves infront of everyone they know. I don't care really if i'm not what others think i should be. As long i'm not lying to myself, i know that atleast a person out there isn't lying. 

Haha sounds cliche' like the type you hear at the end of a movie but think about it, being surrounded by liars, you take it up to yourself to be true to yourself and be the honest person you want others to be, right? 

Well i personally agree so. But hey, thats just me :) 

MY FIRST CAR. AXIA SE.

It's finally here! Ok look, I'm totally posting these days after but I don't care, I wanted to share and make it a memory for when I'd come back and read later. 

On the 31st of July, my red bug finally arrived home. Like I said a few posts before, my parents have been looking for a car to buy for me. And they finally made a decision, that's why I get to say that I FINALLY HAVE A CAR! 

OMG! I was excited and scared all at the same time. Do you know that feeling you get when you just feel your stomach rumbling but not from hunger but from anxiety? I guess I am slightly scared to drive because I rarely do, never got the chance much. But having a friend like Nana who is really supportive and just accepts mistakes as a path to improvement, has made me become more confident in driving. A bit. 

The night I got it, my little brother somehow wanted me to drive him to his late night tuition class. I was scared but I guess I had to since it already here and my mum already bought it. It would be a waste if I don't use it. And so I did. 

Woah! It was surreal. It was okay I guess. For a first drive after who knows how long I haven't been driving. Now I would find any excuse to drive it! Of course, while blasting the stereos with BTS.

I was excited, still am. But my friend said its okay because I appreciate the little things. I know some of you think its not little things, but nearly everyone around me has their own cars and never made a big deal out of it. Me however, I felt sooo giddy getting it. 

As far as cars go, I love how easy it is to handle plus its small and compact. Its enough for a student and someone who's starting off. 

Its a huge responsibility to have and I hope I do it justice. 

Here it is, my Axia 1.0 Special Edition! My little red bug! My first ever car. 

A DECADE CHILDHOOD.

I've always been sharing with you all about the downs in my life. The friends that were mean to me. I rarely share the happier parts of my life. And so, here I share to you two people who stayed being my friends for more than a decade now. 

Like any other friendships we did fall out of our friendship but we eventually just laughed it all off. We share updates regarding everything as much as we possibly can. 

this was after finishing high school. 

All three of us were in different high schools. Me being in boarding school, while they were both in different district schools. We still stayed in touch after going through somewhat different lives. I guess with them, I know that people pretty are much going through the same thing. Just in different parts of the country with different casts. 

We've been through breakups, relationships, and just simple scandals together. They've known most of the people who came and left in my life, heck we've known each other since just starting off teen years. 

Each of us different and changing each year. No matter what, I guess I love these girls and I don't see why relationships with boys are so hard to stick like friendships like these. 

I guess you can say we've grown up together. And I don't believe we'll stop being together. EVER. InshaAllah. 

this was after finishing foundation studies 

these are recents, all of us going through degree 

UNGRATEFUL.

People tend to wonder why I haven't been blogging at all this holiday, and I guess it was just my fault. I have turned this blog to a place where I just put my feelings out there and just rant rather than try to inspire some people or share the lessons I've learned. 

That will all change now. 

I've been slacking on the updates so here goes. I have found myself to be the most ungrateful human ever. A few weeks ago, my parents decided to buy me a car because I've been bugging them about having one ever since Uber left Malaysia (RIP Uber!) We literally decided it on our way coming back from a short holiday we had. 

Then a few days passed my mum, asked to look at other cars just in case. I don't know if this happens to everyone, but whenever I have my holidays, I am drowning in boredom. So being a study-freak, I literally spent days looking at cars, their specs and price range. I did a whole research on cars. I did a pros and cons list. I was the typical nerd I am whenever I have an assignment. 

We eventually decided on a mediocre car. Now here's why I say I'm ungrateful. Every time I see another car that's better or the specs are waaay cooler than it, I hope I'll have it. I then assure myself, getting a car is better than having to walk all over campus. I can imagine all the impromptu McD drive-throughs that are gonna happen just because we can. 

I know more than enough that I should be grateful for the car I get and I am. Truly. Now I am at least. I secretly spend time scrolling through my phone for pictures of my future car. Yall see it sooner or later. 

HAPPINESS.

It will always be just another typical day. It was a day like any other. But the thing is, you get to enjoy the happiness. 

The last time I blogged, I kept talking about how i should move on. And literally, did nothing but kept talking about moving on. I finally did something about it. I eventually started to move on. 

So after watching this drama, I started to just accept the fact that, YES I do like someone who doesn't feel the same, but it wasn't gonna stop me. I just relished at the thought and the sight of him. Just liking him was enough for me. 

The more I felt that way, the more the feeling disappeared. I enjoyed just being with my friends. I spent my time studying. I smiled more. I laugh a lot more now. I just stopped caring what he thought and just cared about my life. On that day, people asked me if i was happy. I happily answered that i was genuinely happy. 

I figured I didn't have problems with any friends or family. I was satisfied with my studies and work load. The only that could bring me down was regarding him but that was something I, myself could change. And i eventually did.
Out of the blue, i realised I somewhat moved on. 

One of my friends told me that he didn't have the slightest feelings towards me and I didn't know why but i felt nothing. It didn't bothered me.

I was grateful that i get to wake up in the morning. I am grateful that I get to share my life with the best type of people imaginable. I had too much people caring for me. And I was simply blessed. 


I now and still answer people that I am genuinely happy. 

RICH OR NOT.

Last night I was talking to one of my friends. I told her how i didn't want to nor was i allowed to marry a guy who was rich from his family. And now i'll explain in detail why i personally think this is true. 

I prefer being in a relationship where we can talk to each other endlessly. A lifetime long conversation. For me personally, I don't really like boys spending money buying stuffs. I really like it if we get to spend time together. Talking. Meeting. Something like that at the very least. 

Being with a rich guy, doesn't guarantee they will be rich in the future. If they achieve their richness from their own hard work, then that i would applaud but if its merely from your parents, well thats a different story. When kids think its okay to start spending money as if its their when its really their parents' hard work, that makes me kind of annoyed. 

I just really want to find someone with the same determination as me to succeed in life so that we can succeed together whilst going through all the hardship. I think its more satisfying. When we reach the top, we'll be able to appreciate it more. Going through the journey together and achieving what we both want to build a perfect life together. Now thats worth it! 

But for now, i know i myself need to succeed because the lifestyle that my parents has given me, does require a lot of sacrifice and so, the only decision i have to make is to succeed accordingly. 

But it will be my money, meaning i won't ask for the guy to buy me anything because i have my own. I don't think depending on the guy for money is right, thats why i think girls really should work so that they can do and have anything and everything they want without answering to their husbands. 

Being a girl, you have limitations but when you can get what you want on your own then, that makes you a queen! 

So don't get scared of the boundaries, just find the loop hole! 

THAT SMILE. ALWAYS THAT SMILE.

I wrote this a long time ago. But i decided to post this alongside We Don't Talk Anymore because I didn't know when else i'll be brave enough to share this. 

I'll always melt when I see that smile. That half smile he makes when he looks at me. That short gaze we give each other when we smile at each other. Always that smile. 

Pretty much annoyed at how a single smile can make me say 'yes' to anything. Its that smile that makes me want to smile along with him. Why is that stupid smile my kryptonite? 

Been waiting long enough to actually write about this guy crush i have towards someone. Lets be honest here, who here doesn't know who he is, well thats just plain weird. Its Song Joongki. Duhhhh. 

haha, just kidding. He's my first husband. My second would be BTS. But thats another story. 

No, the guy i'm talking about is my dear friend, (insert cartoon name). I don't have a code name for him. Didn't bother to make one since everyone could see how transparent I was when I started developing a crush on him. But for now, lets just call him, Buddy. 

Ok, so whats the point of this post? Usually I have either an advice or a thought or just me babbling about me. I don't know why i wanted to blog about him. 

Sure, lets say this is a dedication post towards Buddy.

Ssup Buddy! (haha, i can never imagine myself being dead serious while talking to him so excuse me for now being a romantic in this one) 

I can tell you when I actually noticed you. It was the first day of class. I don't know really who you were on the phone with, but you were looking towards the doorway while talking on the phone and I literally stopped. From the side, you looked familiar and it gave me a heart attack, changed into Joyah-mode. I promise you, you can ask my friends. That day, I already started checking you out. wink wink. haha. 
Ok you can chill now. Its not like I stalked you or anything. I just wanted to find out who the heck were you and why do you look so much like Patrick. (from the sides.)

Then, I dunno dude. You happened to be on the same bus as me and well, our 'leader' was texting me literally everything about you. From where you live to how many brothers and sisters you had. I have no idea why. Ask him. But its a good thing (I think). 

I know it was kinda obvious that I didn't talk to you as much as i did the other boys. I guess I knew you weren't the type to mess around with? Probably. Well you weren't in the first semester. You were quite uptight to be honest. But you were nice to Nana and your group mates, so I guess you were cool because of that. 

Now is the juicy part. When did I start developing "feelings". 
I can describe it but I have no idea if you remember this. 

It was in one of our classes. There weren't ANY guys except for you. You sat in front of the class with your laptop preparing for you presentation. I already did mine days before so I just went for moral support for our other classmates. But then, one of our classmates started crying, so I went to the front and tried to comfort her. So I sat a few chairs away from you. I just ended up sitting there for a while. I don't really remember how we started talking, but we did. Then, Dinie came and sat right next to you. To be honest, I was kinda frustrated. But then again, who dared to steal away her "MAN". (well, that was what everyone else was thinking). We just ended up talking and including her into the conversation. Then, we started talking about your sister aka your mystery girlfriend. But i already knew she was your sister so we were both laughing at the fact that people thought she was your girlfriend. I don't know if this is true or not but from my point of view, you looked right at me and smiled. We didn't say anything. We just smiled at each other. It lasted quite long but I wasn't sure because we were laughing too. But thats when I started to like you. That smile.

NO! I do not only like him because of JUST that smile. 

It was nice to talk to someone who gets my jokes, who is kinda funny lah and actually has the time to explain to me, their thoughts and opinions. Even when I have no idea, but you explain for A to Z. You share a lot of info about your decisions and life choices with me. To me, that was special. You literally went step by step on how you ended up with a decision. It was fascinating. Genuinely, you had more optimistic thoughts than I have, even on your roughest days. Still manage to make one of your "kinda" funny jokes. 

I know this will never reach you. And God hope it doesn't. 

But I hope you know that I get that you have bad days and you use sports and music to cheer yourself up somehow, I do hope that you can share your troubles with me. We never really shared our struggles or problems with each other and I hope we do. Soon. For the time being, when I know you are having a tough time, please just layan my weird memes that I send. I hope you smile at them and its lightens you up a little bit. I'm not really good at this. 

So yeah, see you in the funny papers! 

UPDATES. UPDATES.

Excuses, excuses. Thats all i can say. I know I said i'll post more. So heres me trying to live up to my own expectations. To be honest, I actually tried to during my exams but then it was just me avoiding the fact that i had to study and failed because i knew i had to focus this time around. 

You wanna know the updates? 

Its the second week of my so called semester break! And its the best. I spend more time with my parents (which i love doing...sometimes). 

I spend countless more time with my beautiful 3 cats because i know they can't talk or message me when i'm over there so to avoid from being forgotten, i annoy them more frequently. (now thats another post on its own, haha). 

And thankfully, i actually spend less and less time online. However, I do spend more time watching TV series. 

Thats about my current situation. Since i'm in my semester break, that means i already went through my final exams. Oh honey, lemme tell you something about those friggin' exams. I genuinely think I did my best and gave my all during those 4 weeks. I slept less, played less, ate 'sorta' less. And being me with a million and one problems (which aren't that important, but still messes with my head), i managed to ignore all of them and just focus on studying. I kept close contact with my parents throughout the examination period and I don't know, I think its a good one. Hopefully. 

Sekali....plot twist of the century...

urgh hopefully not. 

Speaking of which, please pray for my results, wherever you are. I really hope i make it this semester. I tried my hardest. I really did. 

Please... 

LAUN-DRAG.

I hate, hate washing clothes using my hands. I am a firm believer of using the washing machine. 

I know what you're gonna be thinking, 'gosh ermi, you can save money' and such. But I just don't like doing it. I can do other things to while waiting for it to wash in the washing machine. I can save time. 

(bak kata pepatah, masa itu emas - bahasa jiwa bangsa) 

Since this semester, my current block is the furthest from my usual laundry spot so I have to find a day where I'm completely devoted to go there. Usually, I wait for someone to accompany me because its soo far and because I'm already used to having someone come and do the laundry with me. 

But recently, due to the piles of work and self responsibilities to my midterm exams and what not, i can't seem to find the time to go there. Also, it always rains when I go there, I might catch a cold. (translation: I'm just lazy)
I had to do my piles of laundry by hand. 

I was determined. Placed my phone in my pants with my earphones in my ears with the volume on blasts. I borrowed two buckets and the brush and what not. Then i spent like one hours doing it. 

Basically, my friends teased me throughout the process because they've never seen me doing my laundry by hand but you know, i just wanted the torture to be over.

Finally, i finished it all. And my sweet friends were so proud of me. (GRIN!)
I was happy with the outcome. My clothes smelt real good and its oddly satisfying. 

Conclusion / Moral of the story. 

Dear future husband, we better have a washing machine. I ain't gonna wash clothes by hand anymore. I don't need a dryer, just the washing machine. But if theres extra money, theres no wrong in helping out. 

MY SMALL PIECE OF JOY.

A few days ago, my batch did a little small gathering. Its like a "annual" thing. Nearly every semester, there will always be a gathering, depending on the budget and what not. Just a time where we could spend time outside of class and just enjoy everyones childish-ness. 

But then again, these are the times when theres tension because everyones stressed out with all the work. The planning. The preparing. The "everything-else-in between". All in all, everything worked out at the end. For some. 

I don't know why, but last week was really rough on me and till this day i'm still not my usual self. And so, I didn't join in a lot of the activities, I just stood on the sidelines. Even if I did join, it was because I was obligated to and set an example because I'm one of the "big people" of some sort. But I really wasn't in the mood to put on a smile all week.

In the end, I spent most of the time taking pictures and it was eye opening. I now understand why Baba likes to take pictures of us while we're not looking which in the end makes us have the most ugly-laughing faces. (You'll never get to see because its burnt into tiny small pixels of dusts! Muahaha)

When I was taking pictures, I got to see the genuine happiness in people's smiles, the genuine excitement in people's laughs, and most importantly, I felt like I was looking into someones personal moments and capturing it for their memories. I don't know but i did feel a slight joy. Maybe I should just sit on the sidelines more.

So heres a few of the pictures I took, also with pictures of me and my friends sharing a laugh. Most of them are girls, because I have the most beautiful classmates. (NO JOKE!) 

I hope everyone liked the pictures I took because I sure had fun taking them. 

EVERYTHING BREAKS.

"You're stronger than you think but you sometimes need to break too", she told me while giving me assurance. 

I had a very emotional month. I know I rarely blogged while I was in college. Well I'm sorry. My class schedule this semester is jam packed and I need my sleep. The rest of the time I spend studying or trying to achieve sanity with my friends. 

So heres a sort of simple update of whats been going on. 

I had a severe homesick breakdown. I literally cried to my parents that i wanted to go home but i couldn't because i had obligations. The only natural thing they asked was if there was something wrong. Everything was wrong and I wanted to run away from it all. I wanted to spend time not thinking about college & everything that comes with it. Just a short escape was fine. 

Then, I was pissed because of some people's particular attitude where they talk a big game but when they needed to perform, they freaking depended on other people. OK. I don't mind depending on me sometimes but come one bruh, its just a simple task yet you still ask me to do it. And at the end of the day, you get the credit whilst I'm here like... wtv dude. 

Not even done being pissed with the dude, comes a girl who isn't letting go of old grudges. Okay look, if people act civil, everything would be okay. But to cry in the middle of class just because of something so small, well I don't even know how to react. It made me think if i was really a bad person. What did I do to make someone that traumatised. 

Lastly, I deleted (nearly) all my memories with Patrick. Now whenever I see him, it doesn't bother me. I even dared myself if i see him and a good opportunity, i'll just say Hi since it didn't matter much. 

Ok before you guys think it was damn quick for me to move on. Bare in mind that I liked this guy a year ago. He has been a jerk for quite sometime now and I haven't talked to him in ages. But every time I do, we're either fighting or I don't know how to explain it. I'm not also saying I've completely forgotten my feelings for him, its just replaced by something else. 

Done with the update. 

Now whats the relation with the first two sentences? Throughout all this, all i had were my friends. My friends who always made sure I was okay. Who made sure I was smiling through it all. Who made sure, if i was crying, they'd make sure I had enough tissues. They held an important role in my sanity these past few weeks. I am forever grateful.

SHE'LL BE OKAY.

"You still care, don't you?"

So here's a little backstory. Remember when I said I wasn't looking forward to meet a little special someone? Well I met that person on the first day of class here. To be frank, I didn't think I wanted to blog about this person but 'push comes to shove'. 

For some absurd reason, this particular person thinks that i have too much time thinking about him when it was actually just me trying to know how he was - through my friends of course. All in all, I don't want him to be full of himself. 

But here i am, finally writing about Patrick (not his actual name). I will spare you all the juicy details, like how we met and how we got close etc. I am here to tell you whats currently happening.

As you may know or assume, we're not technically close friends anymore. We don't even talk to each other. I take props for that one. Some way some how, he somewhat lied to me and I told him not to talk to me anymore. To be fair, I gave him a million warning on how I don't like to be lied to. So, he saw that coming from a mile away ok!

And such, we stopped talking to each other but he recently registered into the same college as i do right now but he's in a completely different course. THANK GOD! Technically speaking, the chances of meeting his were quite slim so I thought I could survive. 

Life has a different plan. Life wanted me to see him on the very first day of class. It was only me that saw him. He didn't see me. I was facing the other way, but my friends were the one who told me if the coasts was clear or not. For some reason, he took his time looking on the freaking layout of the building which made me uncomfortable so, I simply stood up and just walked out of the building. Supposedly I'd rather be under the hot sun than be in the same 'area' as him.

Then, you know us girls which our indecisiveness. I wanted to see him again. The first time I saw him, it was because I asked God to show me him just to let me know that he's real. Proof that it was not a dream. Because I kept hearing people saying they see him and I didn't so I felt as if he wasn't real. So I asked God, He granted me this wish. Alhamdulilah.

Later, I asked God if I could see him again because I was having a shitty week and I wanted to see him. Again, God delivered. I saw him. A sudden feeling as if my heart dropped. I couldn't breathe properly. My knees were wobbly. I tried to stand straight and finally got a grip of myself. 

It was definitely something i've never felt before. And I don't plan on making someone have that much of a control over me again. 

I spent the entire year to prepare myself for this encounter but it was definitely different than what I expected. After all this time, he still makes me feel so weak. 

I would be lying if I said I don't like him. I think I do. I'm not even sure what I feel towards him. But I do care about him. More than other people. But the struggle of moving on is real. Its nearly a year after meeting him and maybe 6 months after cutting ties. 

For such a short period of time, its still so complicated. 

You know what sucks more? He doesn't even care. So why should I? (Thats the only thing that keeps me going)

Although I know it will destroy me, I hope i get to see him walking with her or eating with her or anything related to her. In order that I know its time for me to actually snap some sense into myself and move on. 

Maybe I'll finally delete our conversations. Other than spending hours just scrolling through our conversations. The good and the bad. Lol.

Now I sound pathetic. 

I just wanted to document this because I guess today was kinda a shitty day and I've still haven't move on. I want to look back and laugh at myself for being so naive and inshaAllah be able to be happy without him in my life. Or even better, making him one of a life lesson for future endeavours.

ROCK YOU!

So in class the other day, its was about the time to choose the class representative. And as usual, everyone just laid back and waited for someone to step up. It usually takes 5 minutes before the lecturer just gives up and chooses a random person. But tell me if i'm wrong though.

Haven't it crossed your mind that you would like to try and take on that responsibility but you're to scared about what people would say. What people would do. Support you or just make your life a living hell. 

I have. I hope i'm not the only one.

Its what you do about that thought, matters. I guess i grew out of the awkward shy phase after a while. I started to put myself out there but i made sure that when i do, i'd make it worth my time. Whats the point  of putting yourself out there but then all you do is still depend on other people and just sit back and relax. 

Rock the independent mode for sure! No one will judge when they're busy asking how you have that much time to rock all the things you do. 

If you get asked to be something, just accept it and rock it! Make it something people will remember you by and acknowledge your good qualities. Because you yourself knows how much more better you can be, but you just didn't have the chance. 

Take this chance and be better. Grow yourself as a person. Join in more experiences. Don't be secluded to you yourself and friends. Expand the horizon because the world isn't getting any smaller. 

It'll be hard at first but then trust me, it'll just bring out the YOU that only few see, for others to admire. Believe in yourself while others don't because what you think is the only one that matters.

STUPID WORLDY MATTERS.

Its only the second day and like i expected, I had to face all the backlash from last semesters storm of problems. I was ready for it but I'm pretty exhausted. From only day TWO! I have the most fun with my friends. But sometimes my head is somewhere else. Knowing and thinking about what I need to be doing and thinking about what I have to do next. And next. And next. Never stop writing down mental lists to settle a lot of things without delay. Such as. 

Obligations. Adding more obligations because I want to be prepared and experienced later in life. Its something I'm sure with some chill pills and support from my friends, I'll be good eventually. I guess I'm trying to put myself out there in society clubs wise. I want to expand my contact lists in a way. I love my group of friends but sometimes I think we're too consumed with each other that we forget we're actually living in a BIG community. We have to try to get to know some of them. Thus, everyone is sooo active this semester which brings me joy since everyone has their part to do.

Education. Something that i genuinely love doing when I'm in college. Don't call me a nerd or anything but sometimes just reading and just giving my full focus on my studies, give me a sense of calmness. I don't know why. Its just a little joy I get. But the great satisfaction of finishing and understanding the lessons we learnt, well that is indescribable.

Then it just hit me. Why the heck am I so distracted with all these small matters? It had such a huge impact on me but why? Its not like something that will last forever. Why are we so obligated to all these stupid distractions?

I guess we need to know when to stop and take a breather by remembering God. The real reason why we do things. We have to have a firm stand towards the extent of our sacrifices for all these worldly stuffs. 

We naturally give more than we're intended too. So back up a little, lets take a second to be thankful for what you have now. Just take a breather once in a while. 

Don't make it the main thing in your life. Because all of this is temporary. Even your biggest problems. 

NOT BUILT FOR THIS.

( Listen to ' Chasing The Sky - Empire Cast ' while reading ... )



Recently, I freaked out about going back to college. I literally texted some people about how i felt. And then I went on an Instagram story rant about how i wasn't ready. 

Mama of course questioned it during dinner. Then, I started crying. I wasn't scared about the lessons or lecturers or anything. I was scared about what problems that'll come this semester over there. What do I have to overcome this time? 

Being home, although there are problems but I'm still home. The safest place I'll ever be. Where my parents look after me, from afar. They like to be "cool" parents. At the very least, I know they'll be there for me. 

But being far from home. I don't want to bother them with stupid problems from college. Every time I call home, I would just love listening how things are at home. Remembering that i'll be home soon is calming. 

I guess last semester took a big toll on me. Just remembering all the things that I had to face. With a straight face. Because I could NEVER seem weak. Thats just not me. But you'll see how i truly feel on my Twitter. Sometimes. 

Sometimes, I'm just to lazy to even deal with the problem because I'm just too hurt. You know the quote when you hear, she puts on a brave face but cries herself to sleep. 

That was me, half way through semester one. 

I'm not saying that I had it tough last year. But it took a big chunk of my happiness. And I don't see how I could deal with something like that again. 
- I mean, yeah i'll deal with it. I won't give up. But sometimes, I just wish someone would just fight my battles for me. 

I don't need a shoulder to cry on. I have enough friends to form an army. All I want is to not even face it. I just, for once, want a boring semester. I just want a year where people don't betray me. Don't stab me in the back. Don't lie to me. People just being honest to me. 

All I want is to not be disappointed by people, whom I've trusted.

(DING! DING! DING! Yes, I do have trust issues)

No. Not the normal type where its hard to trust people. I just nearly trust the wrong type of people. Nearly all the time.

I'm just not built for this. 

CATS CARE.

Since I could remember I have always wanted a pet cat. I loved loved cats. I have no idea why. I used to blame my dad because his family was always the one with the cats.

But my mum didn't want a cat at all when I was small. She said they were a hassle. And I was somehow allergic. Plus I had to convince my sister to agree about keeping a cat. 

My sister is one strong minded person. Its literally no use to debate with her unless ... what am i kidding, you'll lose. So this was a problem because my sister was terrified by cats. (Uh-oh!)

She used to cry whenever we went to our uncle's house which had loads of cats. Naturally, as a supportive sister that I am, all i did was bully her about it. 
(And I still don't get why we used to fight, hehe) 

She eventually agreed to have a cat with a condition that it must be a kitten. She doesn't want a cat thats already big and scary. So, YES! I got the green light. 

But then, I eventually got into boarding school and all hopes of getting a cat was down the drain because my mum said the cat must be my responsibility. 

Until recently, my mum fell in love with one of her friends cat. It was big and lazy. Smells nice. As so she says. So last year for her birthday, we decided to get her a cat. (With her approval of course!) 

We spent the whole day checking out all pet shops near our neighbourhood. It was the BEST DAY! I spent the whole day with cats. But it all came to an end because it was too expensive and I guess we weren't even ready yet to have a cat. We literally didn't have a cage or anything.

I was bummed.

That night my parents said I should just search for cats online. People selling cats online with cheaper price. And I did! I chatted with the person for a while but i had to go back to college. 

On the next weekend, my parents decided to visit the place the sold the cat. They fell in love with TWO kittens. Supposedly, one was too hyper and the other one was chill. My sister liked the chill one. Thus, they bought both! 

They could take the cats the next day and I was super excited. My mum being the sweetest, picked me up from college and brought me along to meet the cats. While at home, my dad was fixing up they're cage. Everyone was excited to invite the cats home.

This is Jack. He used to be named Angel. We thought  he was female. 

You might be wondering where the other kitten is because I said two right? Well, she didn't live long. Just one week with us and she died. It was heartbreaking. Its still sad to see old videos of her. Her name was Rose. 

Jack & Rose - got it from Titanic (1997). 

When I started my degree, my mum thought that Jack needed a friend for him to play with and so, instead of buying just one, she bought another two kittens. 

Amber & Peanut

They're both male by the way. People just keep telling us  the wrong sex so we eventually never changed their names. Yes, Amber is still Amber.

They've now grown so big and I love spending time with them. Its always hard for me to not be able to see them everyday in college. But my parents help out by sending me videos and pictures of them. 

Jack in the car on our way home. 

My whole family treats like all three cats are my children. And I do too. I care for them so much. I can never see them hurt or else I would be balling my eyes out. I know dramatic. But I wasn't joking about my love for cats. 

I don't expect everyone to love cats as much as I do but if you see a stray cat, don't kick them if they're disturbing you. Just have one of your friends that aren't afraid to pick them up and move them somewhere. (Don't forget to wash your hands after). Be respectful of God's creatures.

They can't communicate the same way we do but if you know that they wanted your food, maybe you can share whats left from your meal. You're going to throw it away nonetheless. 

They're not asking for much. They can't find food on they're own. They're starving and they're asking for your leftovers. Nothing much. 

Don't be stingy. They're God's creations too. 

DON'T FALL FOR IT.

A few days ago, I was watching a movie - To The Bone. It was about anorexia nervosa patients or bulimia patients that struggle to eat or stay healthy. While watching I had this urge of wanting to follow how they live.

They all look super fit & thin. Heck, Lily Collins was acting. How was I suppose to not want to be like her?

But somewhere along the way, I realised that I should be comfortable in my own skin. I should but I wasn't. 

Why? I kept asking why. Why don't I look or feel as happy as the girl in the movie? Why don't I feel good about myself? Why do i constantly compare how i look with other people? 

Its not easy to completely shove all the insecurities away. Its not easy to always feel genuinely happy. Why is that? What was I doing wrong?

Then I turned to the internet. 

Turns out, I was still at the beginning of my journey for a healthy lifestyle. I've still got a long way to go. I shouldn't get so worked up on things when I'm still near the starting point. 

Me after a 3 hour workout ! 

Yes. To me, I look totally fat and bloated and not attracting at all. But now, to me, I know eventually I'll look THE BOMB DOT COM. With a lot of patience and effort, I'll get to achieve the body goals I've always wanted. 
Maybe-possibily-fortunately looking like Lily Collins. (I DREAM BIG OK!) 

So here, I'm going to remind you to not fall for it. To not fall for the insecurities. Don't get sucked in on how other people look and how you're not as pretty.

Trust me, if you're not happy with how you look. You can change it. If you're satisfied, I'm more than happy for you. 

I'll let you know you're beautiful everyday. 

Just don't get fall for the stereotypical way of HOW people have a short cut to lose weight by starving yourself or even throwing up. Its not good for you body. 

You'll look worst. 

I believe that it will take time. You'll be swayed but stand your ground. God said to always be patient. 

But heck, we can always just edit all the fat out. Kidding! 

Love yourself enough to take care of YOU! 

BYE BYE SWEET VACATION.

I will be registering to my second semester soon and I'm having mixed feelings about this. I'm freaking out! (silently. nobody knows except you guys ofc!) 

I'm already planning on what to bring among my roommates. Like boiler or ironing board & Ridsect ! I honestly had a minor anxiety attack about going back.

Ok, so i'm excited for the next semester. New subjects & new things to learn. (because i'm bored at home not doing anything...) 

AND, I get to see my friends. Having friends who live all over the country is somewhat hard to "meet up", but I guess we see each other too much at university anyways, 3 months maybe enough to make me miss them. (yall know i miss you, i tell you on most days ok) 

But some of my fears are, last semesters aftermath. How to handle some problems everyone seemed to forget or ignored the past holiday? I mean, I can ignore it and move on but it just doesn't seem right. I also can't acknowledge it so much because everyone already moved on and ignored it. So honestly I don't know. (blergh!) 

I am thankful that some friends are very supportive! 

I can't wait to meet some of my friends who just registered! Although I know its not like I get to spend a lot of time with them because other than your classmates, its hard to have people with the same timetable as you. So eventually, I'm stuck with my classmates. (They're not so bad.) 

Although, I'm not looking forward to having the possibility to meet this specific person. But I won't go walking around alone anytime soon, so maybe I'll be safe then to face the problem right? 

Lastly, I can't wait to what stupid problems that will occur THIS semester. I just have this gut feeling that i'll have fun but all this fun always comes with a price.

Sometimes you just gotta face the music, I guess.
(The ones you actually HAVE to face. Others, you can just run the other way screaming!)

MUET EXPERIENCE.

My MUET experience. Well starting with the dreaded speaking test. My speaking test experience wasn't that bad. I made a few friends with the early birds that attended also. Mostly they weren't half bad cuz i guess everyone was as nervous as I was. Just be sure to be prepared with HOW TO ANSWER.

Basically, most of the time i spent studying for MUET was HOW to answer. Like for the speaking test, you're advised to continue speaking & be polite. Just watch some YouTube videos or some blogspot posts. They'll give tips & tricks. All i got to say to you is, try to relax & have fine during the process because its just like a simple conversation.

I can't tell you about the rest of the papers because i haven't gone through them. Personal reasons. But I will tell you if you're having problems for your MUET tests, you can call the general line. They are really helpful & helped me a lot during my situation for the MUET tests.

THE BLOGGING DAYS.

Why is it that every time i have a long vacay i wanna start a blog? 

I mean i do love to write and imagine things but i don't know if i have the commitment. Me and commitments, not so great. But gonna try it out, starting this post alright? 

Just wanted to share the stupid funny blogs that i was in or even i made. Don't go looking for it though. I'm serious. Cringe worthy. I was 10 or 11 okay, gimme a break guys. 

So mostly my friends blogged about me being there for them or missing me and stuff which is genuinely sweet and was nice for a little throwback. Reminds me of how fun it was checking up on each other by using our blogs while we were all in boarding school. But what can you expect from teenagers and their blog posts? The fonts were super colourful, the content was super boring and mostly it was about our crushes and stuff. Like i said, cringe worthy. 

Made me regret for deleting my old blog because personal reasons. Therefore, i can't actually tell from my point of view but i do remember posting tumblr picture with captions and updating about what goes on or even just sending messages to people who i knew would be reading it. It was purely for fun. 

And from that I remembered what it was like to spend time to sit down and write down anything or everything i wanted. randomly. But now, i think i'll do it with a little maturity, or some what flair to my posts. 

Hope you stay tuned and keep reading!