TO SAY SOMETHING.

I literally have no words. I don't know what to say anymore. All these feelings are everything i've felt before. 

Yknow recently I came to the realization that all the things that supposedly showed me that I was falling for a guy, was all made up in my own mind. It was just me thinking of the things that seemed liked the scenes in the drama to be more than what they were. 

It was only me. Letting myself feel all these things. Thinking and believing these things. 

I was the only one that was feeling all these emotions when everything happened. I was the one delusional to think all the times we talked to each other, there was something when in fact there was literally nothing. 

And yet, I'm the one here crying, everynight or spending it sick to my stomach thinking about you. 

Maybe everyone around me is getting sick of me talking about the same thing again and again. They may even be tired of listening how often I say i've moved on and 10 seconds later, I'll still mention his name. So I end up keeping it to myself and just cry while watching drama or movies. 

But I don't want to feel this pain all alone. I need to explain it. So that I know what to do with it. Untill now, I can't...

It sometimes hurts so much, I can't breathe. You would think i'm exagerating and ofc I would agree because no one really likes to see the weak Ermi. 

Guess I'm just sorry how I haven't figured out how to be strong to overcome this... 

PARTNER OR LOVER ?

When I was younger, it seemed like we were supposed to marry the person we love. A typical love story, boy meets girl, they fall in love and get married. But when you get older and wiser, you realize that people tend to settle for a partner rather than a lover. 

I've come to notice that people settle to spend the rest of their lives with someone they can live with. Not necessarily someone who can give them the best love story of their life, its more to someone who, no matter what will be there and support you. The love that comes with this, is more to a friendly-caring sort. 

It's just someone you can see a nice life with. 

I'm not saying there aren't any couple that survives until marriage life. I guess people tend to settle. And it's not wrong. If you see a comfortable life, whats wrong with grabbing that chance? Don't worry, people tend to fall in love eventually. 

I asked my mum this question if it comes to it. Which one should I pick, and she told me about her experience. She chose someone who no matter what people said, would stick by her. Believed in her when the odds were against her. He was the one constant in her life. Hard to believe that she was talking about my dad but I get where she's coming from.

It may be just an old friend, a genuinely nice guy you never gave a chance but he's just there. Secretly not caring what others say about and care for you just the way you are. Beyond belief, he'll be your life partner. 

Now, maybe people don't see that marrying someone other than the person you have feelings is possible. The fear of a broken marriage scares everyone. They believe that "with love, they can conquer anything". 

It totally and utterly wrong. 

Compromise. Understanding. Honesty. Trust. Just to name a few traits that matter after marriage way more than your "feelings". I guarantee you'll still love that person but in a different way. 

I guess, if I was to imagine to be in those shoes, I'll love that person because he out of all the others, he's the one person that decided to spend the rest of his life sharing it with me. Neither the fear of falling out of love nor the fear of the love to burn out is present. 

The thought of actually falling in love with your best friend is a dream. Who wouldn't want that? To start a relationship after marriage, but to marry due to a friendship. Its the most sincere thing that can happen. 

I would choose a friend to spend the rest of my life with, what would you choose? 

AXES AND HOSE.

You can hear it if you say the tittle properly. Nope. I'm not gonna be a firefighter any time soon. I am here to talk to you about my infamous ex of a guy. No, I don't plan on being mean. Well, not most of the time. 

Don't get me wrong. He was someone really important in my life. At a point. I still remember my old blog had a few posts about him but it all disappeared with the deletion of said blog. 

Oh come on, we were young. Just starting to figure out this whole love thing. He was such a charmer. We never intentionally wanted to be in a relationship because I was more interested in being his friend. I guess he had different plans. 

If I could track my old posts about how "it all began" I would but heres a more bitter version of it...

So, he was in a relationship with one of my schoolmate and it was the early stages of twitter. Only a handlful of people knew how to use twitter. Me and that schoolmate were close because of twitter but somehow he intervened one of our conversations and then we became friends in Facebook. 

Yeah don't say it. 

For me, genuinely I was only his friend but I wasn't sure what he was saying to other people. To be frank, he told me he liked me but I hated that fact that he was still in a relationship when he said that. I didn't even have feelings for him then, I was just focusing on my studies. So, I stopped talking to him completely. 

Somehow, his girlfriend found out and everyone had something to say about it. After I stopped talking to him, everything died down. 

But then, a year later, I was looking for people to help me out with the upcoming exams. Most of the boarding schools were taking part and thus, I reached out to him for some. 

Then, when I came back to school. He somehow told one of my schoolmates to have me call him to know more topics that might come out. I was surprised. I had totally forgot about him and then, he casually asked me to call him. But with the sincere intent for just education purposes, I called him.

I called him everyday because the exams were daily. And he would receive the topic the day before. Every night I would call him, get the answers and we would compare answers. It was nice and innocent ofcourse. But yeah, at that moment, it was starting to be complicated. 


When I finally got back home, I saw his tweets. He was tweeting everyday about me. To be honest, it was sweet. Then, the whole player attitude made me question everything. He said he already broken up with the girl and wanted to be in a relationship with me. 


I took 3 months to fully accept him. We didn't meet up or anything since we were both focusing on exams that year. We met after finishing those exams. 

I admit it was a nice relationship to have at such an early age of my life. He was a nice and patient young man who got me for who I was. He literally knew everything about my life. He was the only person I shared everything with. 


There were always the down parts where I would get suspicious with the girls he'd hang out with. You can't take the player out of the game. So, I didn't really truly trusted him. And I was right! In the end atleast. 

The two year relationship ended a few days before another big exam where he suposedly was in a relationship with my "at that moment" best friend. Guess how I did for that exam? I aced it! Hah! 


But it did break me. 

I knew I've said this to someone but I can't remember who at the moment but I did believe that he was the one guy that I knew my mum would love. He was smart, charismatic and influential. I mean, my mum would've just allowed me to be in a relationship if she knew him now. 

Oh don't worry, I don't have feelings for him now since its been like 4 years after not seeing him anymore. 

He still texts me in the middle of the night. 4 in the morning to be exact. Everytime I ask, what is it. He wouldn't answer. I just don't get it. 

I'm only writing this blog because I need your opinion. A relationship like that happens to only a few. A lifelong lesson that can only be experienced by the few. But hear me out, if it turned out that the person who broke you was the one you'd end up with? Doesn't that scare you?

I know by now you think I still have feelings for him. No i don't. I don't. Promise. But to love someone that much and to remove all feelings is close to impossible. Trust me, I asked my friends. Now I just care for him, well the old him i suppose. He's changed a bit too much.

Anyhow, I guess whats bothering me is that i'll never find something like I had with him. A pure understanding and his level of patience in a guy. I would just randomly get mad at him and he'll still just think I'm on my PMS. 

Guys nowadays don't take late replies as easy as I thought they would. I mean, you guys go on and on about how annoying girls are when they're being clingy. And then, when I'm a person who isn't clingy, you guys go and find some other hose. 

The second I start focusing on my studies and not give my fully attention to the guy, I get dumped even before starting a proper relationship. I just don't get it. 

Oh well, life goes on aye? 

A 10-YEAR GAP?!

The other day, I stumbled upon a realization. People with year gaps relationship actually work out better compared to people without those gaps. I mean, there are multiple examples, you just have to look. 

All my life, I always thought of dating or being in a relationship with guys my age. I never really looked at older guys, I always had the 'Abang' factor. Ok let me break it down for you, the Abang factor is when you're even a year older than me, I have this sense of respect that I wouldn't pass this boundary. I lived in a high school where seniority was a thing and I really didn't think of some seniors as friends, personally, I think of them as a big brother who would look after me. Maybe it was because I don't have a big brother but the thought of just having an older brother to ask for advice and what not, just felt secure.

This all changed when my classmates are actually filled with guys older than me by a year or so. I still try to build a wall by calling them pakcik or something but they act just like any other guy my age so I eventually just forgot and treated them the same. But trust me, the batch above me, I never stepped over THAT boundary. And so, that's where I was open to the idea of being in a relationship with someone older than me. 

However, I have never seen myself with anyone younger. They all seem like my little brother so i don't know how that would work out. 

All this relates to the extra time I've been having. I watched "Pretty Noone who buys me food" and "Doctor Crush" Korean dramas that open up about age gaps between couples. I know it's not real but it's not like we can actually see how real live couple act around each other. It was a real eye-opener. 

In Doctor Crush, the guy was older by around 9 years and he was great at understanding her. He simply just knew what she needed compared to what she wanted. He was a sense of reality and logic that she needed. A relationship like that was really fun to see since they really had an understanding with each and the communication amongst both of them was sublime. It's not that drama where you're at the edge of your seat going "JUST TELL HER ALREADY! FIX IT! THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE MEANS. SHE LOVES YOU LAH! ARE YOU DUMB?!" None of that. The practically just let it all out and they really do love the honesty compared to secrets and lies.

In Pretty Noone Who Buys Me Food, the girl is older but I guess he was what she needed. She was somewhat boring and he just gave her life color. But they both act very mature and have those fun times too. I mean the guy understands her and he is very capable of going her speed. 

All in all, it made me realize one thing which I'd like to share with you. Maybe you get an older guy or a younger guy or even the same age. But if it was different ages, it really is nothing to be ashamed of. Do you know how hard it is to find a guy who understands you and to respect you enough to want to save the relationship rather than to give up? Why would you want to risk that just for the sake of avoiding what other people are saying? There shouldn't be an age limit between partners really but living in this Malay community everything is easy to judge than to solve. 

Everyone just has their specific person that clicks. So why do we look at the age? It's just an illusion. It's

just a number. If he's more mature and understanding than your classmates, whats wrong with that? Think about it. 

THAT SMILE. ALWAYS THAT SMILE.

I wrote this a long time ago. But i decided to post this alongside We Don't Talk Anymore because I didn't know when else i'll be brave enough to share this. 

I'll always melt when I see that smile. That half smile he makes when he looks at me. That short gaze we give each other when we smile at each other. Always that smile. 

Pretty much annoyed at how a single smile can make me say 'yes' to anything. Its that smile that makes me want to smile along with him. Why is that stupid smile my kryptonite? 

Been waiting long enough to actually write about this guy crush i have towards someone. Lets be honest here, who here doesn't know who he is, well thats just plain weird. Its Song Joongki. Duhhhh. 

haha, just kidding. He's my first husband. My second would be BTS. But thats another story. 

No, the guy i'm talking about is my dear friend, (insert cartoon name). I don't have a code name for him. Didn't bother to make one since everyone could see how transparent I was when I started developing a crush on him. But for now, lets just call him, Buddy. 

Ok, so whats the point of this post? Usually I have either an advice or a thought or just me babbling about me. I don't know why i wanted to blog about him. 

Sure, lets say this is a dedication post towards Buddy.

Ssup Buddy! (haha, i can never imagine myself being dead serious while talking to him so excuse me for now being a romantic in this one) 

I can tell you when I actually noticed you. It was the first day of class. I don't know really who you were on the phone with, but you were looking towards the doorway while talking on the phone and I literally stopped. From the side, you looked familiar and it gave me a heart attack, changed into Joyah-mode. I promise you, you can ask my friends. That day, I already started checking you out. wink wink. haha. 
Ok you can chill now. Its not like I stalked you or anything. I just wanted to find out who the heck were you and why do you look so much like Patrick. (from the sides.)

Then, I dunno dude. You happened to be on the same bus as me and well, our 'leader' was texting me literally everything about you. From where you live to how many brothers and sisters you had. I have no idea why. Ask him. But its a good thing (I think). 

I know it was kinda obvious that I didn't talk to you as much as i did the other boys. I guess I knew you weren't the type to mess around with? Probably. Well you weren't in the first semester. You were quite uptight to be honest. But you were nice to Nana and your group mates, so I guess you were cool because of that. 

Now is the juicy part. When did I start developing "feelings". 
I can describe it but I have no idea if you remember this. 

It was in one of our classes. There weren't ANY guys except for you. You sat in front of the class with your laptop preparing for you presentation. I already did mine days before so I just went for moral support for our other classmates. But then, one of our classmates started crying, so I went to the front and tried to comfort her. So I sat a few chairs away from you. I just ended up sitting there for a while. I don't really remember how we started talking, but we did. Then, Dinie came and sat right next to you. To be honest, I was kinda frustrated. But then again, who dared to steal away her "MAN". (well, that was what everyone else was thinking). We just ended up talking and including her into the conversation. Then, we started talking about your sister aka your mystery girlfriend. But i already knew she was your sister so we were both laughing at the fact that people thought she was your girlfriend. I don't know if this is true or not but from my point of view, you looked right at me and smiled. We didn't say anything. We just smiled at each other. It lasted quite long but I wasn't sure because we were laughing too. But thats when I started to like you. That smile.

NO! I do not only like him because of JUST that smile. 

It was nice to talk to someone who gets my jokes, who is kinda funny lah and actually has the time to explain to me, their thoughts and opinions. Even when I have no idea, but you explain for A to Z. You share a lot of info about your decisions and life choices with me. To me, that was special. You literally went step by step on how you ended up with a decision. It was fascinating. Genuinely, you had more optimistic thoughts than I have, even on your roughest days. Still manage to make one of your "kinda" funny jokes. 

I know this will never reach you. And God hope it doesn't. 

But I hope you know that I get that you have bad days and you use sports and music to cheer yourself up somehow, I do hope that you can share your troubles with me. We never really shared our struggles or problems with each other and I hope we do. Soon. For the time being, when I know you are having a tough time, please just layan my weird memes that I send. I hope you smile at them and its lightens you up a little bit. I'm not really good at this. 

So yeah, see you in the funny papers! 

WE DON'T TALK ANYMORE.

Count the days that are good and bad so that you'll appreciate each one. 

Its nearly 3am when i'm writing this because i can't seem to fall asleep just yet. Today was another of those days where i know i just feel shitty. I don't know if its just me, but I usually just give into feeling shitty and just spend the day wallowing in sorrow. 

Not today. Today, i tried my very best to not let it eat me alive. I rested and spent the night helping out friends. I'd rather spend my time doing anything else than wallow in self pity. I didn't want to start thinking about him and so i didn't.

I'm clearly not the type of girl who keeps it all inside as you know i write most of my feelings in this blog or i consult my best friends. But for this story, i kept it a secret from most until i reached a point where i just didn't bother. No one even believed me if i denied it so i just played along. 

Maybe i could clearly say it amongst the girls but whenever it came to talking to him, i couldn't be blunt. I couldn't just ask whatever i wanted to ask. I couldn't talk about what I wanted to talk to him about. Why you ask? 

I was terrified of losing a friend like him...

It was clearly only one sided. The feelings i mean. 

I don't know. We don't talk anymore anyways. We ignore each other because there wasn't and isn't any need to talk to each other. We just learnt to live with not talking to each other anymore.

I guess he's not that affected but knowing the thing that scared me the most, is happening. Well that left me feel shitty.

In life there are choices that we make. Yes, i chose to be friends with him. I chose to start to be close with him. However, i didn't choose to have feelings for him. It happened unexpectedly. I did choose to not tell him at first because i didn't want to lose a friend. 

That choice was changed because somehow, we both knew if i said it or if i didn't, we were bound to part ways. Why deny fate right? Haha. 

Yesterday was the 200th day. I promised myself that i wouldn't talk about him until its been a year. But then again, I'm the one broken. 

This is my way to get fixed. 

SHE'LL BE OKAY.

"You still care, don't you?"

So here's a little backstory. Remember when I said I wasn't looking forward to meet a little special someone? Well I met that person on the first day of class here. To be frank, I didn't think I wanted to blog about this person but 'push comes to shove'. 

For some absurd reason, this particular person thinks that i have too much time thinking about him when it was actually just me trying to know how he was - through my friends of course. All in all, I don't want him to be full of himself. 

But here i am, finally writing about Patrick (not his actual name). I will spare you all the juicy details, like how we met and how we got close etc. I am here to tell you whats currently happening.

As you may know or assume, we're not technically close friends anymore. We don't even talk to each other. I take props for that one. Some way some how, he somewhat lied to me and I told him not to talk to me anymore. To be fair, I gave him a million warning on how I don't like to be lied to. So, he saw that coming from a mile away ok!

And such, we stopped talking to each other but he recently registered into the same college as i do right now but he's in a completely different course. THANK GOD! Technically speaking, the chances of meeting his were quite slim so I thought I could survive. 

Life has a different plan. Life wanted me to see him on the very first day of class. It was only me that saw him. He didn't see me. I was facing the other way, but my friends were the one who told me if the coasts was clear or not. For some reason, he took his time looking on the freaking layout of the building which made me uncomfortable so, I simply stood up and just walked out of the building. Supposedly I'd rather be under the hot sun than be in the same 'area' as him.

Then, you know us girls which our indecisiveness. I wanted to see him again. The first time I saw him, it was because I asked God to show me him just to let me know that he's real. Proof that it was not a dream. Because I kept hearing people saying they see him and I didn't so I felt as if he wasn't real. So I asked God, He granted me this wish. Alhamdulilah.

Later, I asked God if I could see him again because I was having a shitty week and I wanted to see him. Again, God delivered. I saw him. A sudden feeling as if my heart dropped. I couldn't breathe properly. My knees were wobbly. I tried to stand straight and finally got a grip of myself. 

It was definitely something i've never felt before. And I don't plan on making someone have that much of a control over me again. 

I spent the entire year to prepare myself for this encounter but it was definitely different than what I expected. After all this time, he still makes me feel so weak. 

I would be lying if I said I don't like him. I think I do. I'm not even sure what I feel towards him. But I do care about him. More than other people. But the struggle of moving on is real. Its nearly a year after meeting him and maybe 6 months after cutting ties. 

For such a short period of time, its still so complicated. 

You know what sucks more? He doesn't even care. So why should I? (Thats the only thing that keeps me going)

Although I know it will destroy me, I hope i get to see him walking with her or eating with her or anything related to her. In order that I know its time for me to actually snap some sense into myself and move on. 

Maybe I'll finally delete our conversations. Other than spending hours just scrolling through our conversations. The good and the bad. Lol.

Now I sound pathetic. 

I just wanted to document this because I guess today was kinda a shitty day and I've still haven't move on. I want to look back and laugh at myself for being so naive and inshaAllah be able to be happy without him in my life. Or even better, making him one of a life lesson for future endeavours.

CATS CARE.

Since I could remember I have always wanted a pet cat. I loved loved cats. I have no idea why. I used to blame my dad because his family was always the one with the cats.

But my mum didn't want a cat at all when I was small. She said they were a hassle. And I was somehow allergic. Plus I had to convince my sister to agree about keeping a cat. 

My sister is one strong minded person. Its literally no use to debate with her unless ... what am i kidding, you'll lose. So this was a problem because my sister was terrified by cats. (Uh-oh!)

She used to cry whenever we went to our uncle's house which had loads of cats. Naturally, as a supportive sister that I am, all i did was bully her about it. 
(And I still don't get why we used to fight, hehe) 

She eventually agreed to have a cat with a condition that it must be a kitten. She doesn't want a cat thats already big and scary. So, YES! I got the green light. 

But then, I eventually got into boarding school and all hopes of getting a cat was down the drain because my mum said the cat must be my responsibility. 

Until recently, my mum fell in love with one of her friends cat. It was big and lazy. Smells nice. As so she says. So last year for her birthday, we decided to get her a cat. (With her approval of course!) 

We spent the whole day checking out all pet shops near our neighbourhood. It was the BEST DAY! I spent the whole day with cats. But it all came to an end because it was too expensive and I guess we weren't even ready yet to have a cat. We literally didn't have a cage or anything.

I was bummed.

That night my parents said I should just search for cats online. People selling cats online with cheaper price. And I did! I chatted with the person for a while but i had to go back to college. 

On the next weekend, my parents decided to visit the place the sold the cat. They fell in love with TWO kittens. Supposedly, one was too hyper and the other one was chill. My sister liked the chill one. Thus, they bought both! 

They could take the cats the next day and I was super excited. My mum being the sweetest, picked me up from college and brought me along to meet the cats. While at home, my dad was fixing up they're cage. Everyone was excited to invite the cats home.

This is Jack. He used to be named Angel. We thought  he was female. 

You might be wondering where the other kitten is because I said two right? Well, she didn't live long. Just one week with us and she died. It was heartbreaking. Its still sad to see old videos of her. Her name was Rose. 

Jack & Rose - got it from Titanic (1997). 

When I started my degree, my mum thought that Jack needed a friend for him to play with and so, instead of buying just one, she bought another two kittens. 

Amber & Peanut

They're both male by the way. People just keep telling us  the wrong sex so we eventually never changed their names. Yes, Amber is still Amber.

They've now grown so big and I love spending time with them. Its always hard for me to not be able to see them everyday in college. But my parents help out by sending me videos and pictures of them. 

Jack in the car on our way home. 

My whole family treats like all three cats are my children. And I do too. I care for them so much. I can never see them hurt or else I would be balling my eyes out. I know dramatic. But I wasn't joking about my love for cats. 

I don't expect everyone to love cats as much as I do but if you see a stray cat, don't kick them if they're disturbing you. Just have one of your friends that aren't afraid to pick them up and move them somewhere. (Don't forget to wash your hands after). Be respectful of God's creatures.

They can't communicate the same way we do but if you know that they wanted your food, maybe you can share whats left from your meal. You're going to throw it away nonetheless. 

They're not asking for much. They can't find food on they're own. They're starving and they're asking for your leftovers. Nothing much. 

Don't be stingy. They're God's creations too.