I'M NOT A LIAR.

Hey guys, i know its been forever since i last blogged and these past few posts were more related to UIA stuffs and it was way far from what i usually write. So here i am with my life update. So sit back, its a long one. 

A while back when i was finally happy with life, (like all problems would appear) I was brought to the information where a certain someone has been spreading false rumours about me. Everything but one thing was already expected. I knew she would do such things but there was one thing that i didn't know she was capable of. 

A little back track here, when i was starting of college, foundation to be exact, at that age my parents weren't really stressing me out about my academic, maybe they already believed that they've taught me well enough. And to be honest, it was true. I was pressuring myself on my own to succeed because it was something i wanted to do. ME. My choice. So i would have these episodes of blacking out when i was stressed out. It would happen once a year. Usually when i'm super stressed and when i decided to not think about and move on.

I guessed when you're strained so much and you decide to let go instantly, it doesn't work well with your body. so everything shuts down. So on my second episode, during one of my philosophy classes, apparently she's been telling people i was just doing it to get attention. If only that was true. Having such episodes isn't something i want. I would have to spend days taking rests and i have to take blood tests and so on. Being sick isn't something someone wants. And for everyone to know that i'm weak. Thats far from what i want. Truly. 

So let me get the record straight for all my readers that NO, i didn't and have never faked blacking out. You can check the hospital records if you want. But you won't be seeing me have those episodes anymore, hopefully. because i promised my friend Iffah that i wouldn't do that to her again. Twice is enough. Haha. Hopefully i get through this year without blacking out. But just imagine. ( i'll keep you updated ) 

Okay back to the story, so yeah she spread false rumours. Not just about that but about other things to. And you could imagine how i felt, furious, betrayed, sad even. But it wasn't at her really, it was at the people who could've possibly trusted all her lies. All the people who were close to me that believed her nonsense. 

Like i've said multiple times, i have trust issues. And once you lie to me, i would doubt everything you do. I'm sorry but its just how i think and operate. I'm not the type of girl that forgets really. Its not that i don't give second chances but once you break my trust, i'll forgive you its just i can't forget. You can say that i'll hold it against you really. But i'll always want you in my life. 

Now as you can see, i'm talking as if i'm objecting this to someone and its true. I am. I'm saying this to one of my close friend, whom i miss so much. I want to tell him everything that i've been going through but i can't. I just doubt everything he does because supposedly he's been doing things out of the sincerity of his heart for the greater good.

My friends just don't understand that he hurt me. All they see is that i should forgive him and let him back into my life. But letting someone who lies to you into your life isn't something i want really. who does? i'm a firm believer of honesty. Even if its the ugly truth. I don't care. Better give me that than me hearing from someone else or later on. Now look, i can't even trust the one person i trust most with my secrets and feelings. 

Being lied to throughout my life, makes me the one person who would like to surround myself with honest people. I can catch a lie so easily now. Thats how common people lie to me. But thats just the first few weeks i left you.

I took a day away to myself to find a bit of me again. I've been walking on eggshells because people are making me feel things that i don't want to feel. I have to put on a image of how people should see me. Not the broken me. And it was tiring so i ran away for a day. 

It was nice, i drank coffee alone. I ate sushi alone. I cried alone infront of my school. 

To feel that broken, you guys really can't ask me to be okay really. It wasn't right. But it was better than having to tell people how i really felt. Because when you say it out loud, you just know how broken you are. How hurt it was for you. It wasn't something i wanted to admit. 

I'm pretty messed up. 

But i guess considering everything, I guess I always will be. The circumstances have made me messed up. 

People may say i'm not "lady-like" or like any other girls. But why should i hide that, people are lying to themselves if they really think they're being their true selves infront of everyone they know. I don't care really if i'm not what others think i should be. As long i'm not lying to myself, i know that atleast a person out there isn't lying. 

Haha sounds cliche' like the type you hear at the end of a movie but think about it, being surrounded by liars, you take it up to yourself to be true to yourself and be the honest person you want others to be, right? 

Well i personally agree so. But hey, thats just me :) 

WRITE RIGHT?

The other day, i entered a writing contest. I'm not sure if i got in or not but heres what i wrote... Gimme your point of view... 

AURAH AND IKHTILAT 

Being a girl, you’ve been told to walk a certain way, to talk a certain way and to act properly. You feel obliged to create a perfect image in front of your parents. But in your heart, you feel caged, trapped – like you’re in a skin that you don’t even know belongs to whom anymore. The question now is, when do YOU decide to cover your aurah? When is it that you’re ready? 

I learnt the hard way that covering had to be my choice. I learnt that being a girl, you’re definitely responsible for yourself but your dad gets the blame. When I was little, I made this grave mistake of making my hair super straight. It always looked nice after going to the saloon, all blown out, soft and bouncy as compared to my normal curls. Straight after, I didn’t really follow proper protocol of the hair care treatment and so you can imagine, my hair was frizzy and well, ugly. 

Every Friday, my school encouraged us to wear the hijab since we would read the Yaasin together. But it depends on us to wear for the rest of the day or not. Since then I kept wearing that hijab everyday for a while. The day my hair got better, I took my hijab off right after my parents would send me to school. It was like living a double life. Don’t get me wrong, my parents supported me to wear the hijab but they never forced it on me. Only grandmas do that. To be fair, I was really young. I didn’t really like people telling me what to do and during that time, I was being bullied so the only defence I knew was to turn into one of the boys. That’s the short version of how I started to dress like boys, sweaters, dark t-shirts underneath and the constant same black bawal hijab daily. 

One day, I left something at home and thankfully my dad hadn’t left for work just yet, and so he came to school and sent it to me. I forgot that I wasn’t wearing the hijab but as I was walking up the stairs, I remembered that he saw that I opened my hijab. That evening, when I went out to help him with his stuff, he said that if I wanted to cover up, I should do it. Not do it halfway because he would take half the blame too. From that day on, I made sure I wore my hijab as properly as I knew. 

I know some people don’t agree with some way of wearing hijab and I know there’s not support or relevant reason why we should allow it. But if they wore it for all the wrong reasons, what’s the use? We are taught that we do everything with the niah for Allah Taala, and yet people still judge because some are still on their training wheels. Its great that others are beyond in the covering aurah department but everyone has their own pace. All someone can ask for is a little understanding and patience for us to keep up. 

At first I wore my hijab to hide my flaws. Then I wore it for my dad. Now, I wear it for me. I know it seems a little selfish, but think about it, without following the trends etc. – you’re actually inclined to do something when it’s just for yourself. But usually that’s the last decision. There’s always people influencing you, but make sure if you do something good no matter what the first niah was, you’d eventually stick with it. 

Covering aurah for girls are always debated day by day but at the end of it, its something we need to do. Something we owe to our dad at the very least. I know you’d be expecting a full on Islamic Review but that’s the truth. People don’t usually easily get revelations just by staying selfish; you start seeing things differently when you see from someone else’s eyes. You open up. Eventually, you see that you’re also the one that’s benefiting the most. At the end of the day, it was your decision and everyone benefits from it too. 

GENDER DYSPHORIA ; LGBT CAN BE CURED.

First and foremost, a little disclaimer that I don't remember most of the talk but I tried my best to write them all down. So if I'm wrong, please refer to someone with a more strong academic background regarding the matter okay? 

During the forum, there were three speakers that were present. All with their own experience and knowledge regarding the issue at hand. It was a simple forum between the speakers while students sat down and listened. We eventually got a chance to ask a few questions but it was educational nonetheless. 

The Questions That Was Asked

1. Does LGBT occur naturally or due to encouragement? 

Speaker A said that it was due to encouragement. It was based on how that person was raised. In 2018, it was stated that LGBT is not a mental illness and acknowledged how the gaming disorder was a more serious matter compared to LGBT. 

(the speaker kinda went off topic but here's the useful information)

The speaker continued, there's 49% more likeliness that Gay people can get HIV from sex. He questioned why do people acknowledge this and be accepting then he said that in Iran that people were given subsidy to undergo transexual transformations. In Malaysia, among 30,000 people at least one is gay while among 100,000 girls only 1 is a lesbian.

2. How does Islam refer LGBT as in the Hukm? 

Haram. Speaker B said that we are not here to discuss on what we want but we were supposed to be talking about what Allah SWT wanted. As humans, we forgot that simple thing. He also stated regarding the Quranic Verse that's talked about the Lut community. 

Allah SWT stated that " there was never a community that did what they did "

Clearly, he said it was humans who started this movement of LGBT. That definitely means that LGBT was never a natural phenomenon.

He also added in that Rasulullah SAW when mentioning lesbians and gays, he always stated Zina, sins and so on. Even if we were just playing around with the idea or just trying out different gender clothes, it is not advised. 

Always follow what Allah SWT wants. Never fall into your own desires. 

3. Chronology on being Gay?  

Speaker C is a former gay but he is a transformed person and now only focuses on his duty towards Allah SWT. He said the feelings started when he was 6, he had this feminine characteristic. He liked playing with girls and all the girly girl games such as cooking. He was more comfortable with girls as compared to boys because boys were always rough. He preferred the accompany of girls because they were always so gentle and nice to him. 

Whenever he was bullied by boys, the girls would back him up and he felt a sense of security. Which made him have this tendency to keep being what he felt he was. He felt confined when the teachers wouldn't let him play the games that he wanted because with the mentality that " boy is supposed to play football not go to cooking class " 

4. Can LGBT be cured? How? 

Speaker A said the first few steps of changing to LGBT is by using hormone or getting the transgender surgery. But one of the most important medical issues that LGBT is related to, is most probably HIV. 

There's a study, where they focused on heterosexual and homosexual couples that one of them is HIV positive and one is not. They observed whether or the HIV was transmitted after approximately 3 years of the study and 58,000 times of sexual activity. It was found that they were zero transmission of the HIV.
This indirectly encouraged the gay movement with the thought that HIV can be reduced. 

In 2017, 50% of HIV has been reduced. Now we can manage and control HIV but there is still no cure! Then, Speaker A stated that when the American's acknowledge that homosexuality is not a mental disorder, so it doesn't need a cure but was opposed by the Indonesians. They believe there is a cure. 

The American's rebuttal to the Indonesian statement was based on experiments, homosexuality is a genetic disorder and hormonal disorder but that example was more on kunsa. In Islam, it is allowed when the situation is like that however, LGBT is more on sexual desire. 

The only cure for LGBT is an intervention. Integrative medicine with Islamic input that is significant to the change of a person's desire. This is very important because it may enlighten people to the right path. For example, he said that the inclusion of the mak nyah community when dealing with the death of one of their own might change their perception. We are encouraged to use the correct communication skills, soft intonations as these group of people are very sensitive about their well-being. We have to always be patient with them, thats why Speaker A said that it was important that we fix ourselves beforehand helping the LGBT community. 

LGBT is a problem of the heart and soul. That's all. 

5. What is the relevance of boycotting LGBT is the view of Islam?

First and foremost, Speaker B started with the fact that we discussed hukm Islam regarding the issue. It was fundamental that we know the basis of this issue in Allah SWT's opinion. 

He said that we need to discriminate them. Now, hold on to your pants. He didn't mean discriminate them with us. He meant that even in Islam there are multiple levels of iman, why is that any different from them? From the most severe to the least. Not meaning, they're only half gay. Far from that, it means that they realize they're faults and have that sense of guilt or those who are influencing others. 

Being a good Muslim is not an option, its an obligation. 

There's no choice in the matter. And yet there are still levels for the Islamic community. That's similar to the LGBT. 

1. Nifa' 

2. Fasik 

3. Munafik

Based on these three categories, Munafik is the one that Speaker B insisted on stopping. The other two, he said we need to learn and advise them nicely because they're nearer to the path than the third one. Munafik group are promoting LGBT sins, so these are the people that we need to stop because they make others confused.

Speaker B finished off with a reminder that we should always be nice to these people and help them. Approach them nicely and InshaAllah, they'll eventually get back to the right path. 

Discriminate according to their needs. 

6. How did you change your view on LGBT and turned towards Allah SWT?

Previously, during the first question Speaker C already stated that he was most affected by the fact that his late father would be blamed in the afterlife about his lifestyle. 

He said that most LGBT people think. "its okay for now, when I'm approaching my death or later in life, I'll have time to repent" But then, when you reach a certain point of your life when you are unhappy with the mediocre lifestyle that society provides, you would revert to a radical approach and sell yourself. 

This was mainly because the discrimination that is happening around these type of people has made them turn back to the streets. Even when he was near to the path of Allah SWT, he was slowly changing. But with the problems that occur even when you stop, many would go right back. 

Eventually, he said, his heart was finally opening up to Allah SWT because he thought death was inevitable. 

He also reminded us that these people know when we're approaching them either we're fake or being sincere. If we're sincerely helping them, they won't reject fully our help but if we're fake, they'll know. 

7. The impact of LGBT who has gotten to the right path? 

Depression. Speaker A said that the statistics of depression cases regarding LGBT was very high. When you've lived a lavish lifestyle and you stop, who's going to help you? You can't get that amount of money anywhere. You'd be jobless and starving of hunger. So you'd eventually turn back to your ways. But this time, it's killing you inside. Because you know how wrong it is and yet you do it because you don't know where else you are going to get money for food. 

Depression due to starvation or just financial problems are common even for other people. But having these problems when you're just starting off, I can only imagine the devastations. Especially when some families have already disowned them. For those who actually due to the transsexual surgery where they remove your penis has a higher rate of suicidal compared to others.

This is because Speaker C stated that your heart and soul feels empty. You're not your full self. So if you're thinking of doing it, you should not do it to that extent. Just imagine if you change your mind. Be rational when changing. Take it slowly. 

8. How to deal with LGBT following the Islamic views? 

A common point of view is that you're practicing Islam but LGBT is not your responsibility. Our community has this saying " Kamu Agama Kamu, Saya Agama Saya" which means that you do you, I'll do me. This is even though a long-lasting saying in Malaysia because we believe that we shouldn't bother others, it's completely wrong. 

This belief is completely different from what Islam is about. Islam is a religion of community. 

The first thing that we are needed to do? Spread what Allah SWT has bestowed upon us. 

The 3 steps to help them : 

a) Education: educate them, attend usrah with them. even if you can't help them, tell someone who can.

b) Sincerely: with sincerity, your help may be blessed by Allah SWT and may help many more. Your initial intention should be sincere and eventually, the hidayah may be eased by Allah SWT.

c) Attitude: go personally and help them. Help them study the Quran, get them to pray together. Show the REAL and TRUE meaning of being Islam. 

9. The problems that LGBT have ever face? 

Speaker C started off saying that there was a movement where some would round them up and hit them randomly. They would do that to just any of the LGBT members. They would do it in groups. Sometimes just a broken arm but others may lead to a coma. 

He said that LGBT has had it rough so in order we wanted to help them, we need to be strong-willed and sincere with our actions. Maybe by that, they'll eventually end up finding their path on they're own. 

SG. PANDAN WATERFALL.

The other day, my classmates and I went to Sg. Pandan Waterfall. Just a little recreational outing at the begging of the semester. It was a lot of fun since everyone participated in a way that I am ever so grateful. No one sat out, everyone had their part in all of it and I guess it was a day to remember.

We drove out around 8 in the morning via convoi. It was most probably the best time every since we all just talked and sang our way there. (in my car, atleast). When we arrived, it was pretty much empty since we aimed to go there when it just opened. So not many public residents were there. 

There were stalls and shops that were still setting up their food. Family gathering up their stuff from the car to bring to the waterfall. It was just like a typical outing with the family, only a bunch of university students were gonna crash it and turn it into a family day outing. Whoops. 

So me and Nana waited for Dayah while she had to listen to the games briefing since we needed to send a represenatative. I called my parents to tell them i have safely arrived but the line there isn't that very good. Even for a Celcom users. But I successfully reached my parents and they just told me to be safe. 

Me and Nana ended up just sitting by the bridge and talked. We were wondering what took Dayah soo long but when the bridge was empty we didn't want to miss a chance for a photo op. When we started snapping, someone called my phone. 

It was Dayah.

She was just mad that we were taking pictures without her. Leaving her behind and what not. So me and Nana, giggling our way to Dayah to comfort her. It didn't take long for her to forgive us but it did need a lot of food. haha

Since we were in a somewhat war with Dayah, she literally drenched me with water and hooray, i was one of the first girlst that was covered with water. I wanted to keep it cool and take my time getting into the water. Since the water was very cold and alhamdulilah the weather that day wasn't that hot. The sun was just bright that day. Great for that sunkissed picture! 

Everything was all dandy. Everyone got to play games, have fun and no one died. THANK GOD! 

Here's a few more pictures from that day. There are a few people missing since it was technically a holiday and people wanted to go home. 

But most of us got to make it there and i guess we got a little bit closer by splashing in the water of fish pee. 

This was underneath the waterfall. There are some small fishes that played there but nothing major. Not leeches and what not. 

All in all, it was a lovely day. We had fun, spent time together. Got into a small adventure. Nothing too extreme but still every adventure teaches us  somethings such as, I should really start learning how to climb rocks properly hahaha. 




The facilities there are below average but its sufficient enough to go to the toilet and have a shower before leaving. A place to change and everything. The coconut water there. IS. DELICIOUS. Keropok lekor also available since we bought it for our trip back. You wouldn't be needing floats but they provide some for rental. Its actually not that deep but for kids, i guess so. I'm about 150, and I could still touch the floor. 

Everything is safe there but you gotta take care of each other and watch out for the sharp rocks! 

SHORT CUT.

Like most posts, I know I've been only talking about my feelings and love life. I rarely talk about my experience while studying. I'll try and get that as soon as I can comprehend how I actually study. 

Right now, I just want yguys to enlighten me with a few things. My life has been nothing but great so far. I'm more than thankful, for what i have been blessed with. I can never say that enough. 

But, when you're knocked with that occasional reminder that you shouldn't get too happy, I feel like, what did i do to deserve something like this? Something soo heart-wrenching? 

There are a few things that matter to me, my family, friends and my studies. Preferably in that order. All the worldy things that matter atleast. But if just by being your true self is bothering someone? Is it you who is the problem? Or that person?

Just when you're minding your own business, someone will still be unsatisfied with how you live. How you be happy. How you get the things you want.

Being all those things, isn't as easy as 1 2 3. Everyone knows that and yet people have this thought that I get everything by just letting it fall into my lap. I always take the long route, never the shortcut because i always believe that I am not worthy to take the short cut. 

So if it was you, just someone who's trying to stay true to youself and yet people are offended by it. Who's fault is that? Yours? So you need to change yourself? Or that person? 

TO SAY SOMETHING.

I literally have no words. I don't know what to say anymore. All these feelings are everything i've felt before. 

Yknow recently I came to the realization that all the things that supposedly showed me that I was falling for a guy, was all made up in my own mind. It was just me thinking of the things that seemed liked the scenes in the drama to be more than what they were. 

It was only me. Letting myself feel all these things. Thinking and believing these things. 

I was the only one that was feeling all these emotions when everything happened. I was the one delusional to think all the times we talked to each other, there was something when in fact there was literally nothing. 

And yet, I'm the one here crying, everynight or spending it sick to my stomach thinking about you. 

Maybe everyone around me is getting sick of me talking about the same thing again and again. They may even be tired of listening how often I say i've moved on and 10 seconds later, I'll still mention his name. So I end up keeping it to myself and just cry while watching drama or movies. 

But I don't want to feel this pain all alone. I need to explain it. So that I know what to do with it. Untill now, I can't...

It sometimes hurts so much, I can't breathe. You would think i'm exagerating and ofc I would agree because no one really likes to see the weak Ermi. 

Guess I'm just sorry how I haven't figured out how to be strong to overcome this... 

MY FIRST CAR. AXIA SE.

It's finally here! Ok look, I'm totally posting these days after but I don't care, I wanted to share and make it a memory for when I'd come back and read later. 

On the 31st of July, my red bug finally arrived home. Like I said a few posts before, my parents have been looking for a car to buy for me. And they finally made a decision, that's why I get to say that I FINALLY HAVE A CAR! 

OMG! I was excited and scared all at the same time. Do you know that feeling you get when you just feel your stomach rumbling but not from hunger but from anxiety? I guess I am slightly scared to drive because I rarely do, never got the chance much. But having a friend like Nana who is really supportive and just accepts mistakes as a path to improvement, has made me become more confident in driving. A bit. 

The night I got it, my little brother somehow wanted me to drive him to his late night tuition class. I was scared but I guess I had to since it already here and my mum already bought it. It would be a waste if I don't use it. And so I did. 

Woah! It was surreal. It was okay I guess. For a first drive after who knows how long I haven't been driving. Now I would find any excuse to drive it! Of course, while blasting the stereos with BTS.

I was excited, still am. But my friend said its okay because I appreciate the little things. I know some of you think its not little things, but nearly everyone around me has their own cars and never made a big deal out of it. Me however, I felt sooo giddy getting it. 

As far as cars go, I love how easy it is to handle plus its small and compact. Its enough for a student and someone who's starting off. 

Its a huge responsibility to have and I hope I do it justice. 

Here it is, my Axia 1.0 Special Edition! My little red bug! My first ever car. 

I'M IN THIS TO WIN THIS.

So the last time i was waiting for their comeback, they didn't reach the top most viewed video in Youtube, so now i'm taking my revenge. Please watch their video again and again. It would really mean a lot to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBuZEGYXA6E

PARTNER OR LOVER ?

When I was younger, it seemed like we were supposed to marry the person we love. A typical love story, boy meets girl, they fall in love and get married. But when you get older and wiser, you realize that people tend to settle for a partner rather than a lover. 

I've come to notice that people settle to spend the rest of their lives with someone they can live with. Not necessarily someone who can give them the best love story of their life, its more to someone who, no matter what will be there and support you. The love that comes with this, is more to a friendly-caring sort. 

It's just someone you can see a nice life with. 

I'm not saying there aren't any couple that survives until marriage life. I guess people tend to settle. And it's not wrong. If you see a comfortable life, whats wrong with grabbing that chance? Don't worry, people tend to fall in love eventually. 

I asked my mum this question if it comes to it. Which one should I pick, and she told me about her experience. She chose someone who no matter what people said, would stick by her. Believed in her when the odds were against her. He was the one constant in her life. Hard to believe that she was talking about my dad but I get where she's coming from.

It may be just an old friend, a genuinely nice guy you never gave a chance but he's just there. Secretly not caring what others say about and care for you just the way you are. Beyond belief, he'll be your life partner. 

Now, maybe people don't see that marrying someone other than the person you have feelings is possible. The fear of a broken marriage scares everyone. They believe that "with love, they can conquer anything". 

It totally and utterly wrong. 

Compromise. Understanding. Honesty. Trust. Just to name a few traits that matter after marriage way more than your "feelings". I guarantee you'll still love that person but in a different way. 

I guess, if I was to imagine to be in those shoes, I'll love that person because he out of all the others, he's the one person that decided to spend the rest of his life sharing it with me. Neither the fear of falling out of love nor the fear of the love to burn out is present. 

The thought of actually falling in love with your best friend is a dream. Who wouldn't want that? To start a relationship after marriage, but to marry due to a friendship. Its the most sincere thing that can happen. 

I would choose a friend to spend the rest of my life with, what would you choose? 

AXES AND HOSE.

You can hear it if you say the tittle properly. Nope. I'm not gonna be a firefighter any time soon. I am here to talk to you about my infamous ex of a guy. No, I don't plan on being mean. Well, not most of the time. 

Don't get me wrong. He was someone really important in my life. At a point. I still remember my old blog had a few posts about him but it all disappeared with the deletion of said blog. 

Oh come on, we were young. Just starting to figure out this whole love thing. He was such a charmer. We never intentionally wanted to be in a relationship because I was more interested in being his friend. I guess he had different plans. 

If I could track my old posts about how "it all began" I would but heres a more bitter version of it...

So, he was in a relationship with one of my schoolmate and it was the early stages of twitter. Only a handlful of people knew how to use twitter. Me and that schoolmate were close because of twitter but somehow he intervened one of our conversations and then we became friends in Facebook. 

Yeah don't say it. 

For me, genuinely I was only his friend but I wasn't sure what he was saying to other people. To be frank, he told me he liked me but I hated that fact that he was still in a relationship when he said that. I didn't even have feelings for him then, I was just focusing on my studies. So, I stopped talking to him completely. 

Somehow, his girlfriend found out and everyone had something to say about it. After I stopped talking to him, everything died down. 

But then, a year later, I was looking for people to help me out with the upcoming exams. Most of the boarding schools were taking part and thus, I reached out to him for some. 

Then, when I came back to school. He somehow told one of my schoolmates to have me call him to know more topics that might come out. I was surprised. I had totally forgot about him and then, he casually asked me to call him. But with the sincere intent for just education purposes, I called him.

I called him everyday because the exams were daily. And he would receive the topic the day before. Every night I would call him, get the answers and we would compare answers. It was nice and innocent ofcourse. But yeah, at that moment, it was starting to be complicated. 


When I finally got back home, I saw his tweets. He was tweeting everyday about me. To be honest, it was sweet. Then, the whole player attitude made me question everything. He said he already broken up with the girl and wanted to be in a relationship with me. 


I took 3 months to fully accept him. We didn't meet up or anything since we were both focusing on exams that year. We met after finishing those exams. 

I admit it was a nice relationship to have at such an early age of my life. He was a nice and patient young man who got me for who I was. He literally knew everything about my life. He was the only person I shared everything with. 


There were always the down parts where I would get suspicious with the girls he'd hang out with. You can't take the player out of the game. So, I didn't really truly trusted him. And I was right! In the end atleast. 

The two year relationship ended a few days before another big exam where he suposedly was in a relationship with my "at that moment" best friend. Guess how I did for that exam? I aced it! Hah! 


But it did break me. 

I knew I've said this to someone but I can't remember who at the moment but I did believe that he was the one guy that I knew my mum would love. He was smart, charismatic and influential. I mean, my mum would've just allowed me to be in a relationship if she knew him now. 

Oh don't worry, I don't have feelings for him now since its been like 4 years after not seeing him anymore. 

He still texts me in the middle of the night. 4 in the morning to be exact. Everytime I ask, what is it. He wouldn't answer. I just don't get it. 

I'm only writing this blog because I need your opinion. A relationship like that happens to only a few. A lifelong lesson that can only be experienced by the few. But hear me out, if it turned out that the person who broke you was the one you'd end up with? Doesn't that scare you?

I know by now you think I still have feelings for him. No i don't. I don't. Promise. But to love someone that much and to remove all feelings is close to impossible. Trust me, I asked my friends. Now I just care for him, well the old him i suppose. He's changed a bit too much.

Anyhow, I guess whats bothering me is that i'll never find something like I had with him. A pure understanding and his level of patience in a guy. I would just randomly get mad at him and he'll still just think I'm on my PMS. 

Guys nowadays don't take late replies as easy as I thought they would. I mean, you guys go on and on about how annoying girls are when they're being clingy. And then, when I'm a person who isn't clingy, you guys go and find some other hose. 

The second I start focusing on my studies and not give my fully attention to the guy, I get dumped even before starting a proper relationship. I just don't get it. 

Oh well, life goes on aye? 

A DECADE CHILDHOOD.

I've always been sharing with you all about the downs in my life. The friends that were mean to me. I rarely share the happier parts of my life. And so, here I share to you two people who stayed being my friends for more than a decade now. 

Like any other friendships we did fall out of our friendship but we eventually just laughed it all off. We share updates regarding everything as much as we possibly can. 

this was after finishing high school. 

All three of us were in different high schools. Me being in boarding school, while they were both in different district schools. We still stayed in touch after going through somewhat different lives. I guess with them, I know that people pretty are much going through the same thing. Just in different parts of the country with different casts. 

We've been through breakups, relationships, and just simple scandals together. They've known most of the people who came and left in my life, heck we've known each other since just starting off teen years. 

Each of us different and changing each year. No matter what, I guess I love these girls and I don't see why relationships with boys are so hard to stick like friendships like these. 

I guess you can say we've grown up together. And I don't believe we'll stop being together. EVER. InshaAllah. 

this was after finishing foundation studies 

these are recents, all of us going through degree