WE DON'T TALK ANYMORE.

Count the days that are good and bad so that you'll appreciate each one. 

Its nearly 3am when i'm writing this because i can't seem to fall asleep just yet. Today was another of those days where i know i just feel shitty. I don't know if its just me, but I usually just give into feeling shitty and just spend the day wallowing in sorrow. 

Not today. Today, i tried my very best to not let it eat me alive. I rested and spent the night helping out friends. I'd rather spend my time doing anything else than wallow in self pity. I didn't want to start thinking about him and so i didn't.

I'm clearly not the type of girl who keeps it all inside as you know i write most of my feelings in this blog or i consult my best friends. But for this story, i kept it a secret from most until i reached a point where i just didn't bother. No one even believed me if i denied it so i just played along. 

Maybe i could clearly say it amongst the girls but whenever it came to talking to him, i couldn't be blunt. I couldn't just ask whatever i wanted to ask. I couldn't talk about what I wanted to talk to him about. Why you ask? 

I was terrified of losing a friend like him...

It was clearly only one sided. The feelings i mean. 

I don't know. We don't talk anymore anyways. We ignore each other because there wasn't and isn't any need to talk to each other. We just learnt to live with not talking to each other anymore.

I guess he's not that affected but knowing the thing that scared me the most, is happening. Well that left me feel shitty.

In life there are choices that we make. Yes, i chose to be friends with him. I chose to start to be close with him. However, i didn't choose to have feelings for him. It happened unexpectedly. I did choose to not tell him at first because i didn't want to lose a friend. 

That choice was changed because somehow, we both knew if i said it or if i didn't, we were bound to part ways. Why deny fate right? Haha. 

Yesterday was the 200th day. I promised myself that i wouldn't talk about him until its been a year. But then again, I'm the one broken. 

This is my way to get fixed. 

ACCEPTANCE.

" As she looks up to the skies after praying, she feels a sense of calm washing over her"

It's not just me but everyone, everywhere has dealt with stress. And sometimes the stress are coming from a specific person in their lives. For me, its been happening so much that i can't even dwell on how stressful it can be, trying to contemplate how his mind thinks sometimes. 

When having two different ways of thinking, you tend to disagree a lot. But by now, i think people already know this new thing called COMPROMISE. Its not even compromising when only one party is sacrificing something while the other just gains everything. 

Tolerating this behaviour has gotten me shouting and screaming a lot lately but my friends all understand how frustrating it is to me. Most people know i can be understanding and i do try to be more open on how people act and react towards certain issues. I admit i have a temper but its only when people really burden me with unnecessary issues.

I had no idea what to do. So as always i turn back to the basics. In Islam, we are taught the things to avoid being angry. And so far, I'm holding on to those teachings. 

I try to calm myself with reminding myself that Allah SWT is challenging me with this person in myself. And its been helping a bit. InshaAllah, it'll eventually help me towards acceptance. 

ALLAH'S LOVE STORY.

There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simple just close it. - Shannon L. Alder

Did you guys know that you can find old tweets about you when you search your name and set it to 'People you follow'. Honestly, I just found out. For some reason it took away an hour of my time with just scrolling those tweets. It was funny at first but then it got to the part where it reminded me of a time in my life where i prefer not to reminisce. 

You guys know the story already. You've heard it a million times. The boyfriend who ends up having a relationship with your best friend. And you guys know the saying, its easy to forgive than to forget. No, i will never forget how it felt when I was betrayed by them. 

It leaves a mark somehow. I don't know about other people who have experienced it but for me, well I have trouble to actually want to be in a serious relationship other than a friendship. I always find some kind of flaw or some kind of problem to pick on until everything gets messed up. 

Anyhow, it doesn't mean that I'm broken. It just means I've changed. I've changed my perspective on relationships and what to expect in one.

After talking to my friends for some time, I don't know why but the way I look at relationships is somewhat entirely different. Or even the whole dating concept. I don't think i'll be doing that. I hope to be just friends and finally, eventually someone will find that he can't live without me. 

I know it sounds childish but i still believe in those stupid stories. I'm a typical romantic.

But now i stand by the saying, "Allah has written your love story, so why don't you sit back and watch it as it happens since Allah has made the perfect love story for you"

WEAR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT YOU.

Kids are busy growing up while they're missing out on being a kid. 

I have no idea why, but here in Malaysia, its like a MUST to start up a self-branding business in cosmetics and beauty. Now, i don't mind the starting up a business. Puh-lease. I'm not petty. 

Its the "if you wanna look like me" or the "you have to look like this, that is why your husband will love you and not cheat you" ploy that gets me steaming through my ears. 

Who da heck told you that everyone should look like you or looking a certain way will guarantee anything. My eyes have been rolling towards all the marketing planning in all these companies. 

Social media is somehow telling little girls that they have to look a certain way nowadays. You gotta wear tight jeans, you gotta have flawless skin, you gotta have perfect teeth and etc.

People blame it when they see twelve year olds dress like twenty year olds. They wanna act grown up too fast, you say. I will now ask you, who has told them otherwise? Who has shown them how they should look? 

When i was a little girl, they wasn't a lot of these advertisements. Its just the product, wind blowing through your hair, funny guy singing in the shower and so on. The commercials were more towards attracting the consumers to know the products benefits in an interesting way not who the ambassadors are. 

Literally could wear my pyjamas outside and don't care. Kids nowadays are busy growing up and forgetting to be a kid. 

I do agree the "public figures" or "influencers" are pretty. But they can afford that lifestyle and they have been practising that lifestyle for a while. In our economy status, its not like we can always afford that lifestyle. 

And in others words, wear the clothes that fit you okay?

UPDATES. UPDATES.

Excuses, excuses. Thats all i can say. I know I said i'll post more. So heres me trying to live up to my own expectations. To be honest, I actually tried to during my exams but then it was just me avoiding the fact that i had to study and failed because i knew i had to focus this time around. 

You wanna know the updates? 

Its the second week of my so called semester break! And its the best. I spend more time with my parents (which i love doing...sometimes). 

I spend countless more time with my beautiful 3 cats because i know they can't talk or message me when i'm over there so to avoid from being forgotten, i annoy them more frequently. (now thats another post on its own, haha). 

And thankfully, i actually spend less and less time online. However, I do spend more time watching TV series. 

Thats about my current situation. Since i'm in my semester break, that means i already went through my final exams. Oh honey, lemme tell you something about those friggin' exams. I genuinely think I did my best and gave my all during those 4 weeks. I slept less, played less, ate 'sorta' less. And being me with a million and one problems (which aren't that important, but still messes with my head), i managed to ignore all of them and just focus on studying. I kept close contact with my parents throughout the examination period and I don't know, I think its a good one. Hopefully. 

Sekali....plot twist of the century...

urgh hopefully not. 

Speaking of which, please pray for my results, wherever you are. I really hope i make it this semester. I tried my hardest. I really did. 

Please... 

SPEAK UP!

The other day, there was this small issue with my classmates. It was something that was easy to handle but well, lemme tell you. 

There is 48 people in that class. And yet many kept quiet and stood by watching some of them act very childish. Ok sure, you may ask why i didn't do anything. When this happened, i was busy at home, enjoying my free time with my family. Who opens the class whatsapp group when you're at home that much. I personally don't. 

When i did had the time to read everything, i was pretty disappointed with everyone in the class. I thought that someone would actually say something about it. I know who is capable of saying something and those who aren't. And since no one said anything, i simply just took the easy way out. I just changed the topic and be as discretely angry as i could. 

I was particularly disappointed with this one guy. I pretty much look highly of him and with his extra-curiccular activities, i thought he would say something. It was something completely wrong and yet he just tweeted about it. I was so mad that i ignored him for a week ( & counting! ) If someone like him couldn't do something as simple as this, then whats left for us, the small people. 

It just sucked because I expected more from him. I hoped. And thats when you get disappointed, I guess. 

The other thing that I don't get is why my classmates still think theres a 'barrier' where people can't say anything freely. I mean, am i such a bad leader that people can't say what they want anymore. Am i such a bad person to deprive people of their capability of speaking their minds with confident? 

I never wanted a situation like this for my batch. 

I just wish they know they can speak up in class without feeling judged. I just wish they know what every they say, i'll support it or i'll try to understand it. 

AM I THE BAD GUY?

For the past few weeks, I've been having my midterm exams. All the exams are spread out quite evenly which sounds good and all but when you add in the assignments and presentations that come alongside all those stuffs in class, you'll understand when i say, i'm sleep deprived. 

To top it all off, I've been dealing with some 'friend' issues. 

Okay the issue thats been bothering me is that how people can easily make a judgement call based on one side of a story. 

In every story theres always two sides of the story. Both believing that they're right and believing that they're the victim in the situation. You will always perceive yourself as the one who is done wrong, never really the "bad guy". 

Its easier to blame others than except your faults, right?

Maybe you guys won't believe me but somehow my side of the story hasn't been a wide spread amongst my fellow friends because i chose not to let people know. But since then, people have been misjudging me and its getting annoying. 

So I admit I did tell a few people but it somehow spread and now most people know my side of the story. I can't speak for most of them but the ones that I told did have a change in perspective on how they see things about me and the issue in hand. 

Most were understanding and supportive of me. But of course, it seemed like they took sides. Everyday there would be whispers in class. Every small thing i did was interpreted in a new way and resulted in me tiptoeing to do anything in class. 

I couldn't make a weird face expression without people trying to assume things. I couldn't go to the toilet without people assuming things. OK. To be frank, yes I went out of the class because I couldn't take seeing them too close. 

What would you have me do? Simply explode then and there? For me, if i'm angry with a situation, i'd remove myself from that current situation and focus on calming myself down. Thats the patience I have. 

Its better to not let yourself having to endure the pain and fake like you're alright. Thus, I thought I did make a good call on that one. 

Other than that, I guess I just couldn't take the fake-ness of her anymore so there was a few faces that i made. Ok just admit it, if you found out someone was talking bad about you, would you really not get annoyed with that person?

And so, I've discovered a perfect revenge. 

I do absolutely nothing. If with me breathing bothers her, then I'll just breathe the heck out of it. I don't need to do much to annoy her because she's already annoyed with me. 

Trust me guys, I say this with complete faith. 

I. HAVE. NO. IDEA. WHY. SHE'S. MAD. AT. ME. 

and now, i simply don't care. 

So am I still the bad guy here?

For more details regarding this issue, you're welcome to ask me directly. 

LAUN-DRAG.

I hate, hate washing clothes using my hands. I am a firm believer of using the washing machine. 

I know what you're gonna be thinking, 'gosh ermi, you can save money' and such. But I just don't like doing it. I can do other things to while waiting for it to wash in the washing machine. I can save time. 

(bak kata pepatah, masa itu emas - bahasa jiwa bangsa) 

Since this semester, my current block is the furthest from my usual laundry spot so I have to find a day where I'm completely devoted to go there. Usually, I wait for someone to accompany me because its soo far and because I'm already used to having someone come and do the laundry with me. 

But recently, due to the piles of work and self responsibilities to my midterm exams and what not, i can't seem to find the time to go there. Also, it always rains when I go there, I might catch a cold. (translation: I'm just lazy)
I had to do my piles of laundry by hand. 

I was determined. Placed my phone in my pants with my earphones in my ears with the volume on blasts. I borrowed two buckets and the brush and what not. Then i spent like one hours doing it. 

Basically, my friends teased me throughout the process because they've never seen me doing my laundry by hand but you know, i just wanted the torture to be over.

Finally, i finished it all. And my sweet friends were so proud of me. (GRIN!)
I was happy with the outcome. My clothes smelt real good and its oddly satisfying. 

Conclusion / Moral of the story. 

Dear future husband, we better have a washing machine. I ain't gonna wash clothes by hand anymore. I don't need a dryer, just the washing machine. But if theres extra money, theres no wrong in helping out. 

MY SMALL PIECE OF JOY.

A few days ago, my batch did a little small gathering. Its like a "annual" thing. Nearly every semester, there will always be a gathering, depending on the budget and what not. Just a time where we could spend time outside of class and just enjoy everyones childish-ness. 

But then again, these are the times when theres tension because everyones stressed out with all the work. The planning. The preparing. The "everything-else-in between". All in all, everything worked out at the end. For some. 

I don't know why, but last week was really rough on me and till this day i'm still not my usual self. And so, I didn't join in a lot of the activities, I just stood on the sidelines. Even if I did join, it was because I was obligated to and set an example because I'm one of the "big people" of some sort. But I really wasn't in the mood to put on a smile all week.

In the end, I spent most of the time taking pictures and it was eye opening. I now understand why Baba likes to take pictures of us while we're not looking which in the end makes us have the most ugly-laughing faces. (You'll never get to see because its burnt into tiny small pixels of dusts! Muahaha)

When I was taking pictures, I got to see the genuine happiness in people's smiles, the genuine excitement in people's laughs, and most importantly, I felt like I was looking into someones personal moments and capturing it for their memories. I don't know but i did feel a slight joy. Maybe I should just sit on the sidelines more.

So heres a few of the pictures I took, also with pictures of me and my friends sharing a laugh. Most of them are girls, because I have the most beautiful classmates. (NO JOKE!) 

I hope everyone liked the pictures I took because I sure had fun taking them. 

THIS IS ALL AN ACT.

I have no idea if this ever happened to anyone. I hope not. But it surprisingly happened to me at the most weirdest moment of my life. 

It was a typical day like any other. Nothing special. I woke up, went to class and I thought that was it. I don't remember why exactly but we had a long break and everyone sprinted to the Kiosk to buy some food. Me, Nana and Dayah didn't buy anything much. We just checked the Kiosk and decided to go back into class. 

On our way, right in the middle of the building, there was a kitten sleeping under the benches. I went up to it and simply just wanted to pet it for a bit but the kitten eventually decided to lay near my foot. (It was adorable. I. CAN'T. BREATHE)

This made me basically knelt down and play with the kitten. The kitten rolled over and was being extra cute. It reminded me of my beautiful cats at home. How they would do the exact same thing making me miss them so much. 

I was so engrossed with the kitten, that i didn't notice Nana and Dayah already reaching class. I told them to go ahead because I was happy with the kitten.

" I won't be long. I promise ", I said. 

" Its okay, we'll wait ", Dayah ensured.

While I was fixated by the cuteness of the kitten, some passerby noticed me on the floor with the kitten. 

" Are you acting? Is this all fake? ", he said. 

I was stunned. Being nice to a kitten is considered acting fake. 

" Haha, no. I have 3 cats at home. I just miss them ", I said hiding my reaction. 

Honestly, I thought he didn't mean it at first. But why would that be the first thing he would say when he saw someone play with a cat? 

Do i literally have to write on my forehead, I'm a genuine cat lover. 

Is it so weird that I actually do show passion or empathy. 

Having a strong personality, doesn't mean I'm don't get hurt with words once in a while.

Whats funny is, if it was any other girl in our class, he wouldn't have said that. He would have praised her. And I have no idea why I'm perceived as the bad guy.

To be frank, it made me rethink about the other guys in my class. How they really think of me. 

Is it all just an act too? 

EVERYTHING BREAKS.

"You're stronger than you think but you sometimes need to break too", she told me while giving me assurance. 

I had a very emotional month. I know I rarely blogged while I was in college. Well I'm sorry. My class schedule this semester is jam packed and I need my sleep. The rest of the time I spend studying or trying to achieve sanity with my friends. 

So heres a sort of simple update of whats been going on. 

I had a severe homesick breakdown. I literally cried to my parents that i wanted to go home but i couldn't because i had obligations. The only natural thing they asked was if there was something wrong. Everything was wrong and I wanted to run away from it all. I wanted to spend time not thinking about college & everything that comes with it. Just a short escape was fine. 

Then, I was pissed because of some people's particular attitude where they talk a big game but when they needed to perform, they freaking depended on other people. OK. I don't mind depending on me sometimes but come one bruh, its just a simple task yet you still ask me to do it. And at the end of the day, you get the credit whilst I'm here like... wtv dude. 

Not even done being pissed with the dude, comes a girl who isn't letting go of old grudges. Okay look, if people act civil, everything would be okay. But to cry in the middle of class just because of something so small, well I don't even know how to react. It made me think if i was really a bad person. What did I do to make someone that traumatised. 

Lastly, I deleted (nearly) all my memories with Patrick. Now whenever I see him, it doesn't bother me. I even dared myself if i see him and a good opportunity, i'll just say Hi since it didn't matter much. 

Ok before you guys think it was damn quick for me to move on. Bare in mind that I liked this guy a year ago. He has been a jerk for quite sometime now and I haven't talked to him in ages. But every time I do, we're either fighting or I don't know how to explain it. I'm not also saying I've completely forgotten my feelings for him, its just replaced by something else. 

Done with the update. 

Now whats the relation with the first two sentences? Throughout all this, all i had were my friends. My friends who always made sure I was okay. Who made sure I was smiling through it all. Who made sure, if i was crying, they'd make sure I had enough tissues. They held an important role in my sanity these past few weeks. I am forever grateful.