SPEAK UP!

The other day, there was this small issue with my classmates. It was something that was easy to handle but well, lemme tell you. 

There is 48 people in that class. And yet many kept quiet and stood by watching some of them act very childish. Ok sure, you may ask why i didn't do anything. When this happened, i was busy at home, enjoying my free time with my family. Who opens the class whatsapp group when you're at home that much. I personally don't. 

When i did had the time to read everything, i was pretty disappointed with everyone in the class. I thought that someone would actually say something about it. I know who is capable of saying something and those who aren't. And since no one said anything, i simply just took the easy way out. I just changed the topic and be as discretely angry as i could. 

I was particularly disappointed with this one guy. I pretty much look highly of him and with his extra-curiccular activities, i thought he would say something. It was something completely wrong and yet he just tweeted about it. I was so mad that i ignored him for a week ( & counting! ) If someone like him couldn't do something as simple as this, then whats left for us, the small people. 

It just sucked because I expected more from him. I hoped. And thats when you get disappointed, I guess. 

The other thing that I don't get is why my classmates still think theres a 'barrier' where people can't say anything freely. I mean, am i such a bad leader that people can't say what they want anymore. Am i such a bad person to deprive people of their capability of speaking their minds with confident? 

I never wanted a situation like this for my batch. 

I just wish they know they can speak up in class without feeling judged. I just wish they know what every they say, i'll support it or i'll try to understand it. 

AM I THE BAD GUY?

For the past few weeks, I've been having my midterm exams. All the exams are spread out quite evenly which sounds good and all but when you add in the assignments and presentations that come alongside all those stuffs in class, you'll understand when i say, i'm sleep deprived. 

To top it all off, I've been dealing with some 'friend' issues. 

Okay the issue thats been bothering me is that how people can easily make a judgement call based on one side of a story. 

In every story theres always two sides of the story. Both believing that they're right and believing that they're the victim in the situation. You will always perceive yourself as the one who is done wrong, never really the "bad guy". 

Its easier to blame others than except your faults, right?

Maybe you guys won't believe me but somehow my side of the story hasn't been a wide spread amongst my fellow friends because i chose not to let people know. But since then, people have been misjudging me and its getting annoying. 

So I admit I did tell a few people but it somehow spread and now most people know my side of the story. I can't speak for most of them but the ones that I told did have a change in perspective on how they see things about me and the issue in hand. 

Most were understanding and supportive of me. But of course, it seemed like they took sides. Everyday there would be whispers in class. Every small thing i did was interpreted in a new way and resulted in me tiptoeing to do anything in class. 

I couldn't make a weird face expression without people trying to assume things. I couldn't go to the toilet without people assuming things. OK. To be frank, yes I went out of the class because I couldn't take seeing them too close. 

What would you have me do? Simply explode then and there? For me, if i'm angry with a situation, i'd remove myself from that current situation and focus on calming myself down. Thats the patience I have. 

Its better to not let yourself having to endure the pain and fake like you're alright. Thus, I thought I did make a good call on that one. 

Other than that, I guess I just couldn't take the fake-ness of her anymore so there was a few faces that i made. Ok just admit it, if you found out someone was talking bad about you, would you really not get annoyed with that person?

And so, I've discovered a perfect revenge. 

I do absolutely nothing. If with me breathing bothers her, then I'll just breathe the heck out of it. I don't need to do much to annoy her because she's already annoyed with me. 

Trust me guys, I say this with complete faith. 

I. HAVE. NO. IDEA. WHY. SHE'S. MAD. AT. ME. 

and now, i simply don't care. 

So am I still the bad guy here?

For more details regarding this issue, you're welcome to ask me directly. 

LAUN-DRAG.

I hate, hate washing clothes using my hands. I am a firm believer of using the washing machine. 

I know what you're gonna be thinking, 'gosh ermi, you can save money' and such. But I just don't like doing it. I can do other things to while waiting for it to wash in the washing machine. I can save time. 

(bak kata pepatah, masa itu emas - bahasa jiwa bangsa) 

Since this semester, my current block is the furthest from my usual laundry spot so I have to find a day where I'm completely devoted to go there. Usually, I wait for someone to accompany me because its soo far and because I'm already used to having someone come and do the laundry with me. 

But recently, due to the piles of work and self responsibilities to my midterm exams and what not, i can't seem to find the time to go there. Also, it always rains when I go there, I might catch a cold. (translation: I'm just lazy)
I had to do my piles of laundry by hand. 

I was determined. Placed my phone in my pants with my earphones in my ears with the volume on blasts. I borrowed two buckets and the brush and what not. Then i spent like one hours doing it. 

Basically, my friends teased me throughout the process because they've never seen me doing my laundry by hand but you know, i just wanted the torture to be over.

Finally, i finished it all. And my sweet friends were so proud of me. (GRIN!)
I was happy with the outcome. My clothes smelt real good and its oddly satisfying. 

Conclusion / Moral of the story. 

Dear future husband, we better have a washing machine. I ain't gonna wash clothes by hand anymore. I don't need a dryer, just the washing machine. But if theres extra money, theres no wrong in helping out. 

MY SMALL PIECE OF JOY.

A few days ago, my batch did a little small gathering. Its like a "annual" thing. Nearly every semester, there will always be a gathering, depending on the budget and what not. Just a time where we could spend time outside of class and just enjoy everyones childish-ness. 

But then again, these are the times when theres tension because everyones stressed out with all the work. The planning. The preparing. The "everything-else-in between". All in all, everything worked out at the end. For some. 

I don't know why, but last week was really rough on me and till this day i'm still not my usual self. And so, I didn't join in a lot of the activities, I just stood on the sidelines. Even if I did join, it was because I was obligated to and set an example because I'm one of the "big people" of some sort. But I really wasn't in the mood to put on a smile all week.

In the end, I spent most of the time taking pictures and it was eye opening. I now understand why Baba likes to take pictures of us while we're not looking which in the end makes us have the most ugly-laughing faces. (You'll never get to see because its burnt into tiny small pixels of dusts! Muahaha)

When I was taking pictures, I got to see the genuine happiness in people's smiles, the genuine excitement in people's laughs, and most importantly, I felt like I was looking into someones personal moments and capturing it for their memories. I don't know but i did feel a slight joy. Maybe I should just sit on the sidelines more.

So heres a few of the pictures I took, also with pictures of me and my friends sharing a laugh. Most of them are girls, because I have the most beautiful classmates. (NO JOKE!) 

I hope everyone liked the pictures I took because I sure had fun taking them. 

THIS IS ALL AN ACT.

I have no idea if this ever happened to anyone. I hope not. But it surprisingly happened to me at the most weirdest moment of my life. 

It was a typical day like any other. Nothing special. I woke up, went to class and I thought that was it. I don't remember why exactly but we had a long break and everyone sprinted to the Kiosk to buy some food. Me, Nana and Dayah didn't buy anything much. We just checked the Kiosk and decided to go back into class. 

On our way, right in the middle of the building, there was a kitten sleeping under the benches. I went up to it and simply just wanted to pet it for a bit but the kitten eventually decided to lay near my foot. (It was adorable. I. CAN'T. BREATHE)

This made me basically knelt down and play with the kitten. The kitten rolled over and was being extra cute. It reminded me of my beautiful cats at home. How they would do the exact same thing making me miss them so much. 

I was so engrossed with the kitten, that i didn't notice Nana and Dayah already reaching class. I told them to go ahead because I was happy with the kitten.

" I won't be long. I promise ", I said. 

" Its okay, we'll wait ", Dayah ensured.

While I was fixated by the cuteness of the kitten, some passerby noticed me on the floor with the kitten. 

" Are you acting? Is this all fake? ", he said. 

I was stunned. Being nice to a kitten is considered acting fake. 

" Haha, no. I have 3 cats at home. I just miss them ", I said hiding my reaction. 

Honestly, I thought he didn't mean it at first. But why would that be the first thing he would say when he saw someone play with a cat? 

Do i literally have to write on my forehead, I'm a genuine cat lover. 

Is it so weird that I actually do show passion or empathy. 

Having a strong personality, doesn't mean I'm don't get hurt with words once in a while.

Whats funny is, if it was any other girl in our class, he wouldn't have said that. He would have praised her. And I have no idea why I'm perceived as the bad guy.

To be frank, it made me rethink about the other guys in my class. How they really think of me. 

Is it all just an act too? 

EVERYTHING BREAKS.

"You're stronger than you think but you sometimes need to break too", she told me while giving me assurance. 

I had a very emotional month. I know I rarely blogged while I was in college. Well I'm sorry. My class schedule this semester is jam packed and I need my sleep. The rest of the time I spend studying or trying to achieve sanity with my friends. 

So heres a sort of simple update of whats been going on. 

I had a severe homesick breakdown. I literally cried to my parents that i wanted to go home but i couldn't because i had obligations. The only natural thing they asked was if there was something wrong. Everything was wrong and I wanted to run away from it all. I wanted to spend time not thinking about college & everything that comes with it. Just a short escape was fine. 

Then, I was pissed because of some people's particular attitude where they talk a big game but when they needed to perform, they freaking depended on other people. OK. I don't mind depending on me sometimes but come one bruh, its just a simple task yet you still ask me to do it. And at the end of the day, you get the credit whilst I'm here like... wtv dude. 

Not even done being pissed with the dude, comes a girl who isn't letting go of old grudges. Okay look, if people act civil, everything would be okay. But to cry in the middle of class just because of something so small, well I don't even know how to react. It made me think if i was really a bad person. What did I do to make someone that traumatised. 

Lastly, I deleted (nearly) all my memories with Patrick. Now whenever I see him, it doesn't bother me. I even dared myself if i see him and a good opportunity, i'll just say Hi since it didn't matter much. 

Ok before you guys think it was damn quick for me to move on. Bare in mind that I liked this guy a year ago. He has been a jerk for quite sometime now and I haven't talked to him in ages. But every time I do, we're either fighting or I don't know how to explain it. I'm not also saying I've completely forgotten my feelings for him, its just replaced by something else. 

Done with the update. 

Now whats the relation with the first two sentences? Throughout all this, all i had were my friends. My friends who always made sure I was okay. Who made sure I was smiling through it all. Who made sure, if i was crying, they'd make sure I had enough tissues. They held an important role in my sanity these past few weeks. I am forever grateful.

SHE'LL BE OKAY.

"You still care, don't you?"

So here's a little backstory. Remember when I said I wasn't looking forward to meet a little special someone? Well I met that person on the first day of class here. To be frank, I didn't think I wanted to blog about this person but 'push comes to shove'. 

For some absurd reason, this particular person thinks that i have too much time thinking about him when it was actually just me trying to know how he was - through my friends of course. All in all, I don't want him to be full of himself. 

But here i am, finally writing about Patrick (not his actual name). I will spare you all the juicy details, like how we met and how we got close etc. I am here to tell you whats currently happening.

As you may know or assume, we're not technically close friends anymore. We don't even talk to each other. I take props for that one. Some way some how, he somewhat lied to me and I told him not to talk to me anymore. To be fair, I gave him a million warning on how I don't like to be lied to. So, he saw that coming from a mile away ok!

And such, we stopped talking to each other but he recently registered into the same college as i do right now but he's in a completely different course. THANK GOD! Technically speaking, the chances of meeting his were quite slim so I thought I could survive. 

Life has a different plan. Life wanted me to see him on the very first day of class. It was only me that saw him. He didn't see me. I was facing the other way, but my friends were the one who told me if the coasts was clear or not. For some reason, he took his time looking on the freaking layout of the building which made me uncomfortable so, I simply stood up and just walked out of the building. Supposedly I'd rather be under the hot sun than be in the same 'area' as him.

Then, you know us girls which our indecisiveness. I wanted to see him again. The first time I saw him, it was because I asked God to show me him just to let me know that he's real. Proof that it was not a dream. Because I kept hearing people saying they see him and I didn't so I felt as if he wasn't real. So I asked God, He granted me this wish. Alhamdulilah.

Later, I asked God if I could see him again because I was having a shitty week and I wanted to see him. Again, God delivered. I saw him. A sudden feeling as if my heart dropped. I couldn't breathe properly. My knees were wobbly. I tried to stand straight and finally got a grip of myself. 

It was definitely something i've never felt before. And I don't plan on making someone have that much of a control over me again. 

I spent the entire year to prepare myself for this encounter but it was definitely different than what I expected. After all this time, he still makes me feel so weak. 

I would be lying if I said I don't like him. I think I do. I'm not even sure what I feel towards him. But I do care about him. More than other people. But the struggle of moving on is real. Its nearly a year after meeting him and maybe 6 months after cutting ties. 

For such a short period of time, its still so complicated. 

You know what sucks more? He doesn't even care. So why should I? (Thats the only thing that keeps me going)

Although I know it will destroy me, I hope i get to see him walking with her or eating with her or anything related to her. In order that I know its time for me to actually snap some sense into myself and move on. 

Maybe I'll finally delete our conversations. Other than spending hours just scrolling through our conversations. The good and the bad. Lol.

Now I sound pathetic. 

I just wanted to document this because I guess today was kinda a shitty day and I've still haven't move on. I want to look back and laugh at myself for being so naive and inshaAllah be able to be happy without him in my life. Or even better, making him one of a life lesson for future endeavours.

ROCK YOU!

So in class the other day, its was about the time to choose the class representative. And as usual, everyone just laid back and waited for someone to step up. It usually takes 5 minutes before the lecturer just gives up and chooses a random person. But tell me if i'm wrong though.

Haven't it crossed your mind that you would like to try and take on that responsibility but you're to scared about what people would say. What people would do. Support you or just make your life a living hell. 

I have. I hope i'm not the only one.

Its what you do about that thought, matters. I guess i grew out of the awkward shy phase after a while. I started to put myself out there but i made sure that when i do, i'd make it worth my time. Whats the point  of putting yourself out there but then all you do is still depend on other people and just sit back and relax. 

Rock the independent mode for sure! No one will judge when they're busy asking how you have that much time to rock all the things you do. 

If you get asked to be something, just accept it and rock it! Make it something people will remember you by and acknowledge your good qualities. Because you yourself knows how much more better you can be, but you just didn't have the chance. 

Take this chance and be better. Grow yourself as a person. Join in more experiences. Don't be secluded to you yourself and friends. Expand the horizon because the world isn't getting any smaller. 

It'll be hard at first but then trust me, it'll just bring out the YOU that only few see, for others to admire. Believe in yourself while others don't because what you think is the only one that matters.

STUPID WORLDY MATTERS.

Its only the second day and like i expected, I had to face all the backlash from last semesters storm of problems. I was ready for it but I'm pretty exhausted. From only day TWO! I have the most fun with my friends. But sometimes my head is somewhere else. Knowing and thinking about what I need to be doing and thinking about what I have to do next. And next. And next. Never stop writing down mental lists to settle a lot of things without delay. Such as. 

Obligations. Adding more obligations because I want to be prepared and experienced later in life. Its something I'm sure with some chill pills and support from my friends, I'll be good eventually. I guess I'm trying to put myself out there in society clubs wise. I want to expand my contact lists in a way. I love my group of friends but sometimes I think we're too consumed with each other that we forget we're actually living in a BIG community. We have to try to get to know some of them. Thus, everyone is sooo active this semester which brings me joy since everyone has their part to do.

Education. Something that i genuinely love doing when I'm in college. Don't call me a nerd or anything but sometimes just reading and just giving my full focus on my studies, give me a sense of calmness. I don't know why. Its just a little joy I get. But the great satisfaction of finishing and understanding the lessons we learnt, well that is indescribable.

Then it just hit me. Why the heck am I so distracted with all these small matters? It had such a huge impact on me but why? Its not like something that will last forever. Why are we so obligated to all these stupid distractions?

I guess we need to know when to stop and take a breather by remembering God. The real reason why we do things. We have to have a firm stand towards the extent of our sacrifices for all these worldly stuffs. 

We naturally give more than we're intended too. So back up a little, lets take a second to be thankful for what you have now. Just take a breather once in a while. 

Don't make it the main thing in your life. Because all of this is temporary. Even your biggest problems. 

NOT BUILT FOR THIS.

( Listen to ' Chasing The Sky - Empire Cast ' while reading ... )



Recently, I freaked out about going back to college. I literally texted some people about how i felt. And then I went on an Instagram story rant about how i wasn't ready. 

Mama of course questioned it during dinner. Then, I started crying. I wasn't scared about the lessons or lecturers or anything. I was scared about what problems that'll come this semester over there. What do I have to overcome this time? 

Being home, although there are problems but I'm still home. The safest place I'll ever be. Where my parents look after me, from afar. They like to be "cool" parents. At the very least, I know they'll be there for me. 

But being far from home. I don't want to bother them with stupid problems from college. Every time I call home, I would just love listening how things are at home. Remembering that i'll be home soon is calming. 

I guess last semester took a big toll on me. Just remembering all the things that I had to face. With a straight face. Because I could NEVER seem weak. Thats just not me. But you'll see how i truly feel on my Twitter. Sometimes. 

Sometimes, I'm just to lazy to even deal with the problem because I'm just too hurt. You know the quote when you hear, she puts on a brave face but cries herself to sleep. 

That was me, half way through semester one. 

I'm not saying that I had it tough last year. But it took a big chunk of my happiness. And I don't see how I could deal with something like that again. 
- I mean, yeah i'll deal with it. I won't give up. But sometimes, I just wish someone would just fight my battles for me. 

I don't need a shoulder to cry on. I have enough friends to form an army. All I want is to not even face it. I just, for once, want a boring semester. I just want a year where people don't betray me. Don't stab me in the back. Don't lie to me. People just being honest to me. 

All I want is to not be disappointed by people, whom I've trusted.

(DING! DING! DING! Yes, I do have trust issues)

No. Not the normal type where its hard to trust people. I just nearly trust the wrong type of people. Nearly all the time.

I'm just not built for this. 

CATS CARE.

Since I could remember I have always wanted a pet cat. I loved loved cats. I have no idea why. I used to blame my dad because his family was always the one with the cats.

But my mum didn't want a cat at all when I was small. She said they were a hassle. And I was somehow allergic. Plus I had to convince my sister to agree about keeping a cat. 

My sister is one strong minded person. Its literally no use to debate with her unless ... what am i kidding, you'll lose. So this was a problem because my sister was terrified by cats. (Uh-oh!)

She used to cry whenever we went to our uncle's house which had loads of cats. Naturally, as a supportive sister that I am, all i did was bully her about it. 
(And I still don't get why we used to fight, hehe) 

She eventually agreed to have a cat with a condition that it must be a kitten. She doesn't want a cat thats already big and scary. So, YES! I got the green light. 

But then, I eventually got into boarding school and all hopes of getting a cat was down the drain because my mum said the cat must be my responsibility. 

Until recently, my mum fell in love with one of her friends cat. It was big and lazy. Smells nice. As so she says. So last year for her birthday, we decided to get her a cat. (With her approval of course!) 

We spent the whole day checking out all pet shops near our neighbourhood. It was the BEST DAY! I spent the whole day with cats. But it all came to an end because it was too expensive and I guess we weren't even ready yet to have a cat. We literally didn't have a cage or anything.

I was bummed.

That night my parents said I should just search for cats online. People selling cats online with cheaper price. And I did! I chatted with the person for a while but i had to go back to college. 

On the next weekend, my parents decided to visit the place the sold the cat. They fell in love with TWO kittens. Supposedly, one was too hyper and the other one was chill. My sister liked the chill one. Thus, they bought both! 

They could take the cats the next day and I was super excited. My mum being the sweetest, picked me up from college and brought me along to meet the cats. While at home, my dad was fixing up they're cage. Everyone was excited to invite the cats home.

This is Jack. He used to be named Angel. We thought  he was female. 

You might be wondering where the other kitten is because I said two right? Well, she didn't live long. Just one week with us and she died. It was heartbreaking. Its still sad to see old videos of her. Her name was Rose. 

Jack & Rose - got it from Titanic (1997). 

When I started my degree, my mum thought that Jack needed a friend for him to play with and so, instead of buying just one, she bought another two kittens. 

Amber & Peanut

They're both male by the way. People just keep telling us  the wrong sex so we eventually never changed their names. Yes, Amber is still Amber.

They've now grown so big and I love spending time with them. Its always hard for me to not be able to see them everyday in college. But my parents help out by sending me videos and pictures of them. 

Jack in the car on our way home. 

My whole family treats like all three cats are my children. And I do too. I care for them so much. I can never see them hurt or else I would be balling my eyes out. I know dramatic. But I wasn't joking about my love for cats. 

I don't expect everyone to love cats as much as I do but if you see a stray cat, don't kick them if they're disturbing you. Just have one of your friends that aren't afraid to pick them up and move them somewhere. (Don't forget to wash your hands after). Be respectful of God's creatures.

They can't communicate the same way we do but if you know that they wanted your food, maybe you can share whats left from your meal. You're going to throw it away nonetheless. 

They're not asking for much. They can't find food on they're own. They're starving and they're asking for your leftovers. Nothing much. 

Don't be stingy. They're God's creations too.