SOMETHING YOU NEVER HAD.

Yesterday night, i decided to watch this old movie. Its called 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 days'. I've watched the movie a couple times but this was the first time that i cried. 

There's a part in the movie where she said 'You can't lose something you never had'. 

Honestly, that made sense to me more than ever. 

Why am i this sad over a guy who wasn't even mine? Why does it bother me so much when he doesn't even like me?

So, when people ask me, i just say that i don't care anymore. Because there's this Islamic saying where we need to accept everything with an open heart. It's all apart of God's plan.

Who am I to question what His plan is just for the sake of my happiness. Who am I to be selfish for my own happiness. I accept the lesson i am receiving now because its something i need to learn on my own. 

When i tell my friends how i feel or anything, i don't want their sympathy. It's just me sharing my life with them. 

I know some worry. But I'll be fine. I hope. 

CONTINUE THE CHARADE.

After being cheated on, played and somewhat backstabbed, this time it hurts more.

Here i go telling you guys how i really feel right now...

Its like getting your heart broken every second. It doesn't stop. Just the slight thought, a simple memory, anything really just breaks it. I feel broken all the time. After feeling broken over and over again, I still have to put on a smile. I don't know how to tell people how tired I am to act and be strong in front of them because i don't want people to ask. But thats not clearly their fault, even i don't feel right just staying quiet. But when you feel broken and keep pretending, you'll lose your mind. I haven't felt this down in the dumps for a while now. I find peace in laying down and closing my eyes. Imagining that it will all be over. Then i fall asleep and sometimes i get a slight happiness in my dream or worst. I wake up and be reminded at how dreams will never come true in this world. You may think i'm just saying every cliche' thing you've heard in movies or books. But thats the only way i can describe it. Trying to move on when the person you like is right in front of you, being happy with someone else. Tears me apart and yet i still have to smile and laugh with everyone. But once i can hide, I just let go. Its physically painful to sit and hear him being happy with everyone else when he can't even bare to look at your face. So i try my best to not make it look like it gets to me. I tried nearly everything to make sure i don't need to see it everyday. I turn my back on them. I sit having my back face them. I let my friends "attack" me anytime when they see him or if he's talking to cover my eyes and ears. Maybe you think its over the top but I literally cry everyday in class now. If i don't go to the toilet, i just wait to go back to my room and let it out myself. And whats worst is, i don't know what he's doing but he's doing a great job at playing with my feelings. Sitting in front of me like its an ordinary thing. If you say he doesn't know how i feel, he does. If you guys say, he doesn't know he's hurting you. I told him i need time. What do you think? 2 weeks is enough for a girl to move on? Not this girl. It was pretty selfish of him to sit there. It was torture to not talk to him. To not look at him. To just avoid crying in the middle of the class. Yes i do just like him. I don't love him. I never loved him. I don't know him well enough. See thats what bothers me. I just liked talking to him. But why am i this broken. Trust me, i don't want a relationship with him. I just wanted a friend to have a continuous conversation with. He was fun to talk to. Interesting even. Things got weird and then i found out he somewhat feels like i'm not "meant" for him. I guess i'm not. But then to wait for him to say it but eventually doesn't, that wasn't fair. so i guess i pulled the trigger because he already aimed it at me.


Why continue the act when you know the ending?

RICH OR NOT.

Last night I was talking to one of my friends. I told her how i didn't want to nor was i allowed to marry a guy who was rich from his family. And now i'll explain in detail why i personally think this is true. 

I prefer being in a relationship where we can talk to each other endlessly. A lifetime long conversation. For me personally, I don't really like boys spending money buying stuffs. I really like it if we get to spend time together. Talking. Meeting. Something like that at the very least. 

Being with a rich guy, doesn't guarantee they will be rich in the future. If they achieve their richness from their own hard work, then that i would applaud but if its merely from your parents, well thats a different story. When kids think its okay to start spending money as if its their when its really their parents' hard work, that makes me kind of annoyed. 

I just really want to find someone with the same determination as me to succeed in life so that we can succeed together whilst going through all the hardship. I think its more satisfying. When we reach the top, we'll be able to appreciate it more. Going through the journey together and achieving what we both want to build a perfect life together. Now thats worth it! 

But for now, i know i myself need to succeed because the lifestyle that my parents has given me, does require a lot of sacrifice and so, the only decision i have to make is to succeed accordingly. 

But it will be my money, meaning i won't ask for the guy to buy me anything because i have my own. I don't think depending on the guy for money is right, thats why i think girls really should work so that they can do and have anything and everything they want without answering to their husbands. 

Being a girl, you have limitations but when you can get what you want on your own then, that makes you a queen! 

So don't get scared of the boundaries, just find the loop hole!